Late at Night

Late last night (or this morning, you could say) I was working on my homework for UFDN 2000: Christian Scriptures.  It was long and tedious and then I got to number 5: Write a lament.  Writing is what I can do well, here is my lament:

My God, my God, where are you?

Why have you left me?

I search for you,

Yet I cannot find you.

 

I cry out to you by day

And I cry out to you at night,

Yet I never hear an answer

And I am lost.

 

You have called me toward You,

And then you run away.

I try to catch up to You,

But you are faster than I can run.

 

You disappear into the distance

And I wonder.

Will I ever see your face again?

Will I ever be in your embrace?

 

Lord, come back.

I will listen this time.

I will walk in Your path.

I will follow you step by step.

 

I will live my life for You.

I will leave the life I know

And enter the life

That you have planned for me.

 

God, you have returned in the past

Please return again.

I have fallen before

But you always catch me.

 

You know the stars by name.

You make the day.

You make the night.

The world is in Your hands.

 

Father, You are beautiful.

You are a light in a dark place

And you hold us in Your arms.

The future is in Your hands

 

And You will save us.

A New Life

This year was supposed to be perfect. It is not. Student leadership was supposed to be the answer. It is not. Fourth Hill was supposed to be the answer. It is not. What is it, then? This year is shaping up to be so much harder than I pictured it being, desperately searching for the good in the bad and having difficulty finding it. As I walk to class dodging puddles and running to catch the light, I never stop and look around. When I never stop and look around, how am I ever going to find out the answer to life's great unanswered question: Why am I here?

I am now in the middle of week four of a quarter that has lasted a lifetime. Classes are harder, relationships are struggling to spring up and grow, and time is running away from me. At group last week, the world fell on me like a pile of sloppy wet leaves: my mind covered with confusion that I can't seem to shake off. Where, in the midst of the madness, do I stop searching for the answer and wait for the answer to come to me? Last Wednesday, I stood in front of 600 people and led them in a song with these lyrics:

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned,

in awe of the one who gave it all.

So I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered,

all I am is Yours.

These were some of the words that turned my life in a different direction, away from everything that is comfortable and into a world unknown.  A change of major, a change of passion and a change of heart. Now that I find myself in this new world, it's not as great as I hoped it would be. On Wednesday night, I didn't want to lead my peers into the same direction I had been led. But why? Why wouldn't I want to lead them into a world that is new and a world that is...better? 

Over the past week, I have found the good in the bad. I found the beauty in the leaves that are every different shade they could possibly be. I found the importance of being alone. Of being with God. Of placing all my worries, my fears and my anxieties in the hands of God. For He, after all, knows where I'm heading, all it takes is for me to be willing to follow. I must give all I am to God and He will shape me in the way He intends. 

After this grand realization, my life became 500 times better and I couldn't stop smiling last night at group. 

I once was lost, but now am found.

Was blind, but now I see.

Never had those words held so much meaning. I was lost, but now I am found. I suppose that sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize how lost we truly are. And once you're at the bottom, it's easy to be lifted up out of your total weakness. So, through the prayers of many friends and the reading of much scripture, I am now flying high above the worries that were consuming me. And life goes on...

I have beautiful relationships with the men and women of Fourth Hill surrounding me. Group staff is a group of 13 people, each of whom is so different from the next, but is also such a joy to be around. And as for me personally, life is new. God has given me a second chance for the fiftieth time and for that, I am grateful.

So what can I say, what can I do?

But offer this heart O God, completely to You.

I am in His arms and He will carry me out of the uncertainty into a world better than I can imagine. That world will be full of its own set of challenges, but the Lord will never let go of me, no matter how hard I try to shake Him off. Thank You, God, for loving me.

A Creed for the Discouraged

I received this yesterday after a session at SPU.  It helped me, now let it help you.

I believe God created me to be happy, to enjoy the blessings of life, to be useful to my fellow beings and to be an honor to my country.  I believe that the trials which beset me today are but tests by which my character is strengthened, enabled, and made worthy to enjoy the higher things of life which I believe are in store for me.  I believe that my soul is too grand to be crushed by defeat; I will rise above it.  I believe that I am the architect of my own fate; therefore, I will be master of circumstances and surroundings, not their slave.  I will not yield to discouragements; I will trample them underfoot and make them serve as stepping stones to success.  I will conquer my obstacles and turn them into opportunities.  My failures of today will help to guide me on to victory on the morrow.  Tomorrow will bring new strength, new hopes, and new beginnings.  I will be ready to meet it with a brave heart, a calm mind, and an undaunted spirit.  In all things I will do my best and leave the rest to the Infinite.  I will not waste my mental energies by useless worry.  I will learn to dominate my restless thoughts and look on the bright side of things.  I will face the world bravely; I will not be a coward.  I will assert my God-given birthright for I am immortal, and nothing can overcome me.

Pause

I stopped for a moment.  It was a moment that fell in between the chaos, the many minutes of walking, the hours of reading, and the immense amount of time spent with group staff.  I ate a quick lunch in Gwinn and ran back to Hill Hall through the rain that is becoming once again familiar.  Now, I have half an hour to take off my shoes and breathe before I finish the second half of my day which will finish this hectic week.  I wonder: will every week be like this?  Weeks filled with school, work, practices, meetings and just barely enough time to sleep, let alone breathe.  I hope to God that not every week will be so hard, but I also know that if they are, God will continually provide me with moments like this.  Moments to watch the rain fall and the leaves change to vibrant orange, red and yellow.  

This week has been, to put it lightly, full.  I feel like I have been running to classes and meals, jumping from a room full of friends to a room full of classmates who are stuck in a gen ed.  I know it will be okay, though.  I have a roommate who can handle my stress much better than I can, a floor full of amazing women and professors who are entirely passionate about what they are teaching.  So, even though I go to bed at midnight and get up at 7am everyday, I am so thankful that I have things to look forward to in my days that start so early.  It's another year, another way of life, that's what I keep telling myself.  And I do believe it, though it will take some time to get used to.  

This weekend I will spend with old friends and new friends and somehow in the midst of it memorize all the countries and capitols of Africa.  I'm happy, though, truly I am.  No, not about 8 am and not about a schedule that is packed to the brim, but I am happy about the relationships that are forming already and the relationships that are growing immensely.  I am also blessed beyond belief to be living with Anna Barton.  She keeps me happy, makes sure I get enough sleep and hugs me all the time.  I am back in the world that changed my life last year and it will be exciting to see how it all unfolds this year.

It's a new room, a new major and new responsibilities...all of which are FABULOUS.    Thank you, Anna, for the love and support.  Thank you SPU, for the adventure that you have in store for this year.  Thank You, God, for the rain and the beauty it forced me to pause and enjoy.  Happy Friday.  One week down: nine to go...