A Joyful Life

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." 

-"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

For some reason, it has been a very difficult month for me to find the right words to write.  When I got back to school, the days seemed so long, yet my mind was blank at the end of them.  Tonight, though, the words flowed.  I told my life story to my floormates and it was interesting to see the way it turned out.  

I had planned out the stories I was going to tell them, some funny and others heartwrenching, but when I actually got around to telling them about my life, I didn't end up telling all those stories.  It ended up being a myriad of all the joyful moments in my life.  It felt like "It's a Wonderful Life" when, in the end, he realizes that his life is really not so hard.  He has a family who loves him, a town supporting him and hardships are just not so hard for him to face because he doesn't need to face them alone.  No, I don't have a town supporting me, but I have my family and I have my floor.  

I started my story with my June 3rd birth in Anacortes and moved through my elementary school years.  I told them about my horrifying first day of first grade and my third grade teacher who loved Winnie the Pooh.  There was the day I went to the top of the Space Needle in fifth grade to learn geography with my mom.  I did tell them that my school transitions were difficult and that many tears were shed during those transitions, but I didn't tell them the stories I intended to that happened during high school.  My funny stories and awkward situations just kept coming and I was getting so excited to share these moments with them.  I couldn't shatter the moment by telling them about my friend who jumped off a bridge when she was fifteen.  

You see, my floor has changed my feelings about that day at Camp Casey when I got the news that a friend of mine had lost her life.  I still remember distinctly the evening of March 6 when my friend got a text saying Maren committed suicide.  I hadn't been to Casey since that day and when I went back for the Hill Hall Retreat, a chill went up my spine as I looked out at the water.  That heartbreaking memory screamed at me, but I viewed this retreat as a way of making a new memory of this truly beautiful place.  As I watched the sunset with my new friends and I lay beneath the stars, I no longer had a fearful image of Camp Casey in my mind.  Fear was replaced with beauty and love.

I meant to tell them this, I really did, but I couldn't do it.  I was happy to be sharing my joyful moments with them; I could save my sadness for another day.  What I realized at the end of the story (of my life) is that it has been a good life.  I have been so happy for 99% and that other 1% has been the basis of so much growth.  There is a purpose for all that happens and Christ has helped me to find that purpose.  As Benjamin Button stated above, it's up to us to be who we want to be.  Sometimes things happen along the way that alter our plans, but we have the freedom to see those alterations as a benefit or a downfall.  If we are wise, we will not let anything put us down and we will realize that tomorrow is always a brand new day.

When the World Stands Still

Snow has hit Seattle and not in a small way.  No, not small at all, for I am looking out my window at an entire foot of snow covering every surface.  The snow has been building up for a week now and the more that piles up, the quieter the city becomes.  At night, there are not cars speeding up and down the streets.  Instead, there are couples out walking their dogs and children inside drinking their hot chocolate.  I personally found myself sitting on the couch, curled up in a blanket and reading.  I, of course, didn't get very much reading done, but instead found myself staring out the window at the world around me that has been moving at a much slower pace.

The snow has forced us all into a much simpler lifestyle.  We are walking to where we need to be, we are spending time together when we would normally be running around town and we are forced away from malls and and the holiday stress that they cause.  What a blessing to be able to live in peace during this season and to be at enough peace to remember the true meaning that this holiday brings.  

Our Sunday church service was one that I will remember forever.  I trudged through the snow for a mile with my pastor father and we arrived at church very early to see if anyone was there.  No worship team showed up, no advent readers, no one to prepare the service as usual.  It was a Sunday for improvising and dad went to the shiny grand piano and began to play Christmas carols the way he often does at home.  A long time family friend sang along with him and it was worship where the meaning of the song lyrics resounded quite clearly in our heads.  What made the service even more beautiful was staring out the wall of windows in our new building and watching the snow fall freely.  The usually bustling street was quiet and all you could hear was the sound of our own voices.  This is what Christmas should be about: Coming together with our family and friends with nothing standing in the way of it.

 

When I moved out of my dorm a week ago, I was sad to leave it, but there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather be right now than in the comfort of my true home.  Here in my seat by the window, I am able to watch the passers by and watch their happiness.  I was sick the entire week and the snow cancelled work all week, so I was forced in this position, but I am so thankful for it.  Yes, I've lost my voice and no, I didn't earn any money this week, but I have been able to slow my life down for an entire week.  

Now, as the rain begins to defeat the snow and it will all melt away soon enough, I will remember the peace that it brought.  I will keep this peace of mind throughout the rest of the holiday and not forget that it is about Christ and the love that he brought us two thousand years ago.  

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Luke 2:14

Giving Thanks for Thanksgiving

It has been an exhausting and emotional past two weeks, but scattered with bits of joy here and there.  Now, I am settled down at home (that is, my true home, not my dorm home) and I am at peace for the first time in a long time.  It's quiet here and all the familiar sounds make my heart at ease.  All the stress and fears of yesterday are diminished as I hear my parents voices coming from the kitchen.  I am happy when I realize that so many of my friends who have been going through so much more than I have are also feeling this peace.  They are on their way home now as they read their books on the train or plane and there are those who have found themselves in the cars of newfound friends.  

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is an answer to prayer for so many of us.  We started the year off strong, but it progressively got more difficult.  As soon as mid-terms hit, we all lost touch with reality and were suddenly caught in a whirlwind of homework and events and our only moments of peace were found in the few hours we slept.  As we prayed together and cried together, the only thing we could think of was that Thanksgiving was on its way.  And now, it's finally here and we are finally home.  I don't live far away, only three miles, but there are times it feels like there is an ocean between us.  Times when I realize that I can't cry in my mother's arms and need to face it on my own, but this is the way that we grow.  

It's been a big year for me full of tears and troubles, but my blessings outnumber those trials a million to one.  I have a family who loves one another and enjoys to spend time together every Sunday.  I graduated high school with honors and achievement.  I have a group of friends who will support me in anything I take on.  I have gone to a wonderful college for two months and have already grown so much.  I have Christ by my side every step of the way.  When I look at all of these blessings, why do I have reason to cry?  

It is so easy to get caught up in our troubles and forget what Christ has done for us.  He has given us hope in hopeless times and it is selfish not to accept that hope.  We are intended to carry out Christ's love and hope, not dwell on the things that make us unhappy.  As I sit here listening to my music in my warm bed, I can't believe I was ever so unsatisfied.  Tomorrow I will be among the ones I love and that is enough for me.  That's what Thanksgiving is about to me: It's about being with the ones you love.  That's what the entire holiday season should be about, not stressful shopping and gifts, but Christ's love and the ones that we care about.  

So, thanks for Thanksgiving, it's already been a wonderful time to catch my breath before I head in for the push to the finish.

It's a Ben and Jerry's Kind of Day

The past few weeks have been hectic as I suddenly realize I am done with my sixth week of college.  I wonder where those weeks went and what I have done with all that time.  It didn't disappear into thin air, but here everything seems to fly by and it is hard for me to even remember what I did yesterday, much less two weeks ago.  This week was a week to top it all: the election, mid terms and a steady downpour.  These things all put together in one week resulted in a Thursday afternoon sitting in a chair curled up in a blanket with a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one hand and a spoon in the other while watching old FRIENDS episodes.  All of these things were intended to make my mood a better one.  

Did my mood get better?  No, of course not, no one actually feels great when the ice cream runs out and you must go back to the real world, but I did and as the evening unfolded, it slowly got better.  It got better through little things: Balsamic vinegar back at the salad bar, warm embraces, a disney movie, and scripture shared with friends.  It's odd how these are the things that made it better, but I am often surprised to see what makes me feel better.  When I came to college, some of the special things that made me happy have now become regular habits and it was time to find new things.  Let me share how the tiny and some seemingly insignificant things have contributed so much to this dreadful Thursday and my past weeks at college.

First is the balsamic vinegar, the one deliciously healthy alternative to actual salad dressing.  When I try to eat healthily in the cafeteria, it often results in a scrumptious piece of greasy pizza and a plate of lettuce with caesar dressing and goldfish crackers.  The one thing that was healthy was the lettuce, but it's health factor has been scratched out by the dressing, so I discovered the olive oil and balsamic vinegar.  Four weeks later, it disappeared and I was back to my unhealthy salad habits, which resulted in me feeling unhealthy no matter what I ate.  Then tonight, on one of the hardest nights so far, the healthy alternative was back and I was overjoyed.

Then there are the hugs.  Hugs from old friends and new friends alike.  Some in passing, others as greetings or farewells.  Sometimes simply a shoulder to lean on when I'm feeling especially alone.  Such a simple action with such a significant meaning.  Hugs are very important to me and fill me up inside.

Of course, where would I be without the Disney movies, an age-old medicine for when you're feeling low.  Tonight, it was "Monster's Inc." and every time you heard that little girl talk, my heart leapt a little bit with joy.  To be in a college dorm room, I assume that no one would find it cool to like Disney movies as much as me, but it's really brought us together on many occasions.  An escape from the broken world we exist in to the happy endings that occur in all Disney movies.

Fourth, scripture has never felt so important to me as it did tonight.  We were studying Hebrews 1-3, but my flighty eyes wondered across the page to chapter 4, verse 7:

"Today, if you hear his voice

   do not harden your hearts."

This one tiny sentence brought me hope to last forever.  Today, if I hear his voice, I will not harden my heart.  That was my trouble, I was not listening for His voice and my heart was hardened, saddened and simply ready for the week to be done.  It is so easy to forget in the fluster of our days that Christ is always there, always with us, even if we don't realize it.  Reading this verse was a much appreciated slap in the face for me and I am so thankful for being able to share these thoughts with my friends every Thursday night.

In the end, all it took to heal my painfully long week was reading a sentence in a book.  I didn't truly need the balsamic vinegar or "Monster's Inc."  All I needed was eleven words giving me hope for a healed today and a better tomorrow.  Essentially, that's what we all need isn't it?  Hope.  Just one tiny glimmer of encouragement that we can make it.  Thank you, Lord, for being with us in our darkest of times.

Down By the Sea

I am sitting under a tree whose leaves are falling all around me.  The sounds of the world around me grow louder as the thoughts in my mind settle down.  I've been at school almost a month now and the entire time since I moved in has been a whirlwind of events.  There have been people to meet, lectures to listen to, boxes to unpack, meals to eat and a hundred other things rushing around like mad.  I have been so desperately searching for a moment of peace amidst the madness and I have finally found it.  

I found it by the side of a canal full of ducks and boats and crew teams, each one making a different size of wave that crashes in front of me.  Those are the things that lie in front of me.  Behind me is a path scattered with various people walking their dogs, going home or perhaps they too are searching for some quiet.  Where I find the most peace, though, is above me in the beautiful blue sky scattered with puffs of white.

The sky is perfect today and I am at peace because I know that those people who I miss are all under this very same sky.  This sky has brought no rain, but instead a lovely sun that casts shadows across the sidewalk and creates a perfect reflection in the beautifully still water.  This sky was an answer to my desperate prayers for a place to pause and be silent.  Unfortunately, I must leave this wonderful place now to finish out the day, but I'll be back.  Yes, I know I'll be back.

It's Good in the Hood

I moved into a dorm two weeks ago and already it feels as though I've been there for an eternity.  There are so many things I enjoy about this new way of living like the feeling it's a sleepover every night or walking into the rooms of people who you barely know and have conversations about nothing of consequence, but what I enjoy most is the community that has been created so quickly.  The theme of our floor is "Welcome to the Neighborhood" and the purpose of this theme is for us to realize the importance of living together in community.  Yes, Fourth Hill has been living like this, but I've noticed so many beautiful moments since I entered "The Neighborhood" and it has always put a keen smile on my face.  

I came home last night (home to my parent's house, that is) and I was downstairs, but as soon as my father touched the keys of the piano that has been with him for 29 years, I ran up the stairs to grab my viola as my sister grabbed the other.  We played together, the three of us, as we always have, but there was something on this night in particular that made it so much more meaningful to me.  It was this music that made me feel like I was really coming home, not the house, not my bedroom, not the dishes, but the music.  As we were playing, I looked out the window and watched the neighbors outside.  Some coming as others were going, greeting each other sometimes with a casual wave, other times with a friendly embrace.  One greeting stood out to me above all others and that was the return of my neighbor who is in college in California.

She left in August and her absence has been very present in our lives as she broke our group of five 66th St. girls into a group of four 66th St. girls.  A month and a half later, I broke it into a group of three 66th St. girls and it felt like I was no longer one of them.  In my prayers the night before I came home, I said a prayer for each of them, myself included, not to lose ourselves as we separate from each other.  It was no mistake that she drove up from Chico on the first weekend that I came home, it was all intended.  She came back while I was watching the neighbors through the window and I saw the neighbors run across the street to her and hugged her as soon as she stepped foot out of the car and it was so beautiful to me.  Fourteen years we've all known each other and it all seemed summed up in this single embrace.

Another moment was while I was riding the bus with some of my floor mates.  An elderly woman got on the bus and a few stops later, another elderly woman walked onto the bus.  They saw each other and instantly I saw each of their faces light up.  They knew each other by the bus and their conversation continued until we got off the bus.  I don't know their story and I'll probably never see them again, but it is so touching to see these connections.  There was also an elderly woman who used to enter a bakery (that I frequent on Saturdays) and she would collect a bag of day old bread to feed to the birds.  A small gesture on the part of the bakery, but for her, it is her life.  Now, she it is hard for her to come in, so she sends someone else to get the bread for her, but we all know it's for her to give to the birds.  Such a small thing, but so meaningful at the same time.

My feelings are embarrassingly yet perfectly captured in the lyrics of an ABBA song called Slipping Through My Fingers and here they are: 

"Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time"

 

That's exactly how I feel about each and every one of these moments.  I wish that I could always see my neighbor in the warm embrace of others, the women meeting on the bus and the lady coming to get her bread, but the picture is not frozen and never will be.  She will go back to college and we'll pick up where we left off.  The women on the bus will have to stop riding the bus eventually and the lady with the bread is already slowly leaving us.  It is hard to move on when we see these beautiful moments and it just seems that it would be so much easier to freeze time in these moments rather than force it all to go on.  That's not the point of the neighborhood, though.  The point of the neighborhood is to form a community and that means supporting each other in the times of joy and sorrow alike.  It's going to be a good year, even if it's hard at times, but that is life and life goes on in the neighborhood.  

And Then It Was Autumn

I am sitting at my desk in my new room that I will call home for the next nine months.  It is cozy here and I like it, but it's not quite the same as home.  I am writing this as I hopelessly try to avoid the sociology paper that awaits and I am daydreaming and letting my thoughts drift through the rain that falls outside my window.  Fall is finally upon us and this fall is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

The leaves started to change weeks ago, yet I have only been in school for 10 days.  I now eat waffles and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast instead of the usual bowl of Rice-Krispies.  At some points, it all feels so perfectly wonderful, but at other points I find myself crying because of all that is changing so fast.  Nobody likes change, even good changes have their own set of struggles.  Even chocolate chip pancake change.  So now, as things become more regular and the rain falls more steadily, I stare into space and wonder what lies ahead.

I wonder what I'll be thinking when the brightly colored leaves are no longer on the tree outside my window.  Will they be thoughts of peace, of excitement, of joy or of uncertainty?  I so often think "God only knows..."but I so wish he would tell me what lies ahead right now because I presently have absolutely no idea.  When people ask me my major, I clench up with fear of the unknown or the fear that what I choose will decide the rest of my life.  Yet I look at my pastor father and his education in architecture and it puts my mind somewhat at ease.  Ease that tells me I can do what I love and that I'll end up doing what I'm meant to do, all in due time.

  

I am confident that I will learn what I am meant to do because my faith in Christ has grown profoundly in the last ten days.  Through the past week, I have prayed to God more times in a day than ever before and this huge adjustment to college has caused me to grow so much deeper in my faith...and it's only been one week.  It is so amazing to be able to go to college and pray before you build a set and discuss the role that Christianity plays in the subject you are studying.  It's refreshing and it is helping me to look at the world differently.  This new feeling towards Christ is helping me so much and I am so excited to see where it will take me.