What's In a Name?

In an empty sanctuary

where the band plays only for me.

I remember these days from long ago

where five hundred was big and no number was small.

I remember the giant bear in the library,

curling up on it with stories of a bunny named Max.

Life was simpler then

and I was a stranger to no one.

Now I am incognito,

I'm just Holly-no Dahlstrom attached.

I'm proud of my name,

but what does life look like without it?

Is it quiet? Is it different?

Or could it be just the same?

In an empty sanctuary

where the band plays only for me.

Just the Two of Us

I must admit, though a bit of an introvert, I got quite lonely in the last couple of days. Waking up and coming home to my big empty house was not as relaxing as I imagined it would be. Only when there was another soul inside to drink a cup of tea with or share a bowl of pasta with did I really feel like I was home. When Valerie called me and asked me to meet her at the ferry, I was happy to do it because I knew that in a few hours the two of us would be sitting in our living room with the Christmas tree sharing my leftover burrito. We would be warm, we would be dry and we would be together. We laughed, we shared stories and we watched Babies. I felt exhausted and then, to my dismay, realized it was only a quarter to eight. "What should we do?" Valerie asked.

Sleep? No, it's too early. Clean? No, that's too productive. Watch another movie? No, that will make me fall asleep. We could play music. Yes...or not. Craft time? Yes! But our floor is really dirty...it must be vacuumed. WE SHOULD MAKE A BLANKET FORT! That was the ticket, the incentive to clean and then make a wondrous tent in our bedroom. Craft time IN the tent. Perfect. So, here we now sit. She has the crochet hook in her hand and I have chalky fingers and we are creating. The lighting is low, the music perfect and life is good. Moods like this are perfect for pondering, so I have found myself on this blog...words flowing from the keys...thoughts barely finished.

"Life should always be like this," I said. I love these moments of childhood that are often interspersed into my young adult life. Sitting in a tent in our bedroom, drawing pictures and making a scarf. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me still be a kid. The world is full of hurt, but it is nice to be able to escape it, even if it's only for a night. It is nice to be in the warmth of this moment, where the only thing we need to worry about is dropping a stitch or getting chalk on my quilt. These are the days that are Christmas break. Oh, how I love them!

Nurse 1 and Nurse 2

These girls are PHENOMENAL! I watch them stress a lot test over test over test. Tiny details that somehow change everything put so much anxiousness in their hearts and I just wish I could tell them not to worry. Then I found out today that they really do need to worry. If they get too low of a test score, they straight up get kicked out of nursing school. Too many wrong answers and they're done for? That's just not fair. But it gives me extra incentive to continue loving them extra.

I was the first one done with finals in The Nest, so I felt it was my duty to be very helpful as everyone else finished up. I cleaned the bedroom, the bathroom and then the kitchen. Then, Kate asked me what time I was getting up on Wednesday. "Probably never," I told her, as it was my first day to sleep in since Thanksgiving. "Why?" I asked. "Well," she hesitated, "if I woke you up early, would you pray for me before my exam?" Gosh, how could I say no to that? So, I figured if I was going to get up, I might as well make them pancakes before the big exam. Thanks to grandmother, who provided me with the perfect Norwegian pancake making supplies, I was able to give them a good breakfast before they went off to regurgitate all the knowledge they have acquired in the past ten weeks.

I am so proud of these two. I couldn't do it, not if you paid me a million dollars. The all nighters, the exams, the memorization...it's not a role that just anyone can fill. You have to be exceptional and Kate and Rachael really are. It is a pleasure to wake up early on sleep in day to do something to bless them. I adore them and I pray everyday that they will see the light at the end of the study tunnel. Someday they will be nurses and they will change and save so many lives every single day. What a joy it is to be a part of their extremely special lives.

Also, they both passed their final exams. On to winter quarter!

Breathe

"All that I know is I'm breathing."

I remember listening to this song on repeat last spring. I listened to it because I was terrified. Heartbroken. Alone. My God, how things have changed in the last six months.

I was talking to Anna today about how I feel like my junior year of high school is so far away. It was only four years ago, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that life is very moldable. We are shaped and defined by tiny events that occur and in the course of four years, much will change. I'm not just different from that 16 year old, I'm different from the 20 year old I became in June. Who will I be four years from now? Well, if there's anything else that I've learned, it's that there's no way to predict such things.

Here I am, over halfway through college: studying global development, living with four other girls I barely knew until about a year ago, playing my viola in two bands for ten hours a week and writing on a blog with a cup of tea in my hand at 9:30 on a Friday night. Did I ever think this is what my life would look like? No, but this is who I am and I really enjoy it. My boss asked me today what life will look like for these four weeks without class. I told her that they would most likely involve a lot of sitting and talking to my friends without feeling guilty about the ten page paper I have to write or the thirty page articles I have yet to read. My friends are very important to me and it feels like most things I do surround them. But during the quarter, there's always a part of my mind that is not at all focused on them. What joy it is not to have that chunk of my mind removed now. I am here...ALL of me. That, to me, is what a "good time" is. It's guilt-free, deep and full of love.

How frustrating that school so often gets in the way of my fun. I often wonder what it must be like to have a life where I can come home after work and do whatever I want. Then I get scared when I realize that such a time is not actually that far away. I have dreams, though, big dreams. I want to GO. I don't know what that means. Maybe I'll be like the lovely woman whose dog I walk and I'll change the world through libraries in Eastern Europe. Or perhaps I'll be Blake Mycoskie's new best friend and I will put shoes on the feet of children in Argentina. Or I will be called to something not so glamorous, but just as rewarding...I will be called to stay. Stay here in Seattle, this supposed "godless city," and let the love of Christ shine.

There is much for me here. My beautiful family, wonderful friends and a church that I have had the pleasure to watch grow. Why do I always have a longing to go? My challenge is to sit still and watch the world around me. Soon enough I will have the chance to go out and help, but first this. First there are studies, group and pastries with lattes. This is a phase and, like all phases, it will pass. I will enjoy it while it's here. And I will especially enjoy this particular part of the phase called Christmas Break. I'm glad you're here.

International

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but I now have friends who live all over the world. Some are friends from SPU who have decided to burst from its Queen Anne walls and live out the motto continually engrained in our minds: engage the culture. Others are Upward Bound students that I met in Austria this summer. A few are old family friends who have tucked themselves quietly into that beautiful corner of the world called Germany. And here I am, in Seattle, with hopes and dreams that span the globe. It's finals week and I think that this week, more than any, makes me want to do nothing more than travel. Experience. Live.

I have been studying Economic Geography, International Peace and World Order, and Global and Urban Ministries this quarter. Though I mentally checked out of these classes a few weeks ago, my heart is still very much in my studies. I want to dissolve the disparity in the world, I want the victims of war to be healed and I want to know the stories of those who need to tell them. It is hard to concentrate on my research papers when all I want to do is get out of the classroom and into the world. I need to keep reminding myself that these four years in school are just the final stepping stone and then I need to keep reminding myself that's probably not true.

Is there really ever a final stepping stone? First we are born, then there is elementary school, middle school and high school. We are encouraged to attend college and told that after that, we enter the "real" world. Is the real world that the adults tell me about really all that different from what I am experiencing now? I work in an office with adults and I work at a bakery with people who are not in school...is this really the real world? Why is it that our educational status separates us from the real world? I am living a very real life right now and I think I am already in the real world. It is a world where the things that I study in class are out of that days' New York Times and where I read articles on the racialization of the Seattle Public School that I attended. These issues are real and they stab me in the heart every day. So why do I want to study something that seems so full of despair?

Because there is HOPE.

We don't read these depressing articles on the state of our world for nothing. We read them to learn from them and to give a meager attempt at solving them. We see the small, but significant, things we can do to help. If Philip Eaton really wants us to engage the culture and change the world, we have to get out and see (what is sometimes the sad) truth that is our world. It will not be like this forever. No, of this I am confident. There will be a day that all will be well and history will be a fading memory. Until then, I will continue to learn and implement the small amounts of change that I myself am capable of.