I remember listening to this song on repeat last spring. I listened to it because I was terrified. Heartbroken. Alone. My God, how things have changed in the last six months.
I was talking to Anna today about how I feel like my junior year of high school is so far away. It was only four years ago, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that life is very moldable. We are shaped and defined by tiny events that occur and in the course of four years, much will change. I'm not just different from that 16 year old, I'm different from the 20 year old I became in June. Who will I be four years from now? Well, if there's anything else that I've learned, it's that there's no way to predict such things.
Here I am, over halfway through college: studying global development, living with four other girls I barely knew until about a year ago, playing my viola in two bands for ten hours a week and writing on a blog with a cup of tea in my hand at 9:30 on a Friday night. Did I ever think this is what my life would look like? No, but this is who I am and I really enjoy it. My boss asked me today what life will look like for these four weeks without class. I told her that they would most likely involve a lot of sitting and talking to my friends without feeling guilty about the ten page paper I have to write or the thirty page articles I have yet to read. My friends are very important to me and it feels like most things I do surround them. But during the quarter, there's always a part of my mind that is not at all focused on them. What joy it is not to have that chunk of my mind removed now. I am here...ALL of me. That, to me, is what a "good time" is. It's guilt-free, deep and full of love.
How frustrating that school so often gets in the way of my fun. I often wonder what it must be like to have a life where I can come home after work and do whatever I want. Then I get scared when I realize that such a time is not actually that far away. I have dreams, though, big dreams. I want to GO. I don't know what that means. Maybe I'll be like the lovely woman whose dog I walk and I'll change the world through libraries in Eastern Europe. Or perhaps I'll be Blake Mycoskie's new best friend and I will put shoes on the feet of children in Argentina. Or I will be called to something not so glamorous, but just as rewarding...I will be called to stay. Stay here in Seattle, this supposed "godless city," and let the love of Christ shine.
There is much for me here. My beautiful family, wonderful friends and a church that I have had the pleasure to watch grow. Why do I always have a longing to go? My challenge is to sit still and watch the world around me. Soon enough I will have the chance to go out and help, but first this. First there are studies, group and pastries with lattes. This is a phase and, like all phases, it will pass. I will enjoy it while it's here. And I will especially enjoy this particular part of the phase called Christmas Break. I'm glad you're here.
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