The Nielsen's Family

Have I ever told you about the bakery? It's a charming little shop located in lower Queen Anne and I've been working there for the last year and a half. Going to work has never felt like a burden because I know that what waits inside is simply a joyful experience. The pastries in the case, the bakers in the back, the baristas in the front and the constant flow of regulars are all things that make this place home. I felt the love of the Nielsen's family more than ever today. There a few customers who are my favorites. I know, it's not nice to play favorites, but it's also not nice to lie and the truth is that there are two women who are two of the most lovely people I have ever met. Vi and Moya. Vi was a real life riveter in WWII and she comes in everyday for lunch. I don't know much about Moya's life, though rumor has it she's brilliant. Moya gets a loaf of sesame french bread every Saturday and she used to get two Danish to eat for breakfast. I learned today that she will now only get one Danish, as her husband has passed away.

Darcy told me the news before I opened and when Moya walked in, I ran to her and threw my arms around her. She kissed me on the cheek and it took her a long time to let go. I asked how she was doing and she said, "Better, now that I'm here." I'm surprised I didn't start crying my eyes out right there in the middle of the store. How many places can I work where such a close relationship is formed with a customer? They're not customers, they're friends. They're mentors. They're family and we look out for our family. Addison brought her a box of pastries the day we heard the news and we will continue to walk with her as she copes with her newfound grief.

Last week I told Paul that I'm excited to be old, but I don't want to be old anytime soon. He said that was good because we wouldn't make very good old people right now. "Why's that?" I asked. "Because we haven't lived enough," he said. We haven't had enough experiences to shape us. We haven't overcome immense trials...we haven't even finished college. There's still so much life to be lived before we can possibly pass words of wisdom onto the next generation. For now I will continue to accept the wonderful advice that these women bestow on me. Take life slow. Even though college is stressful, it's all worth it in the end. Live life to its fullest. Don't worry about the future, all things work out. Live in the present because there's no other time like it.

Oh Moya, you are such a dear. Just let us know what you need, the Nielsen's family is here for you. Pastries, hugs and a listening ear, we'll provide them all. We love you.

Surprises

A lot of things have jumped out at me this quarter that I never really expected. From group's study of Matthew to withdrawing my SPRINT application to having a guy sweep me off my feet, it is safe to say that things are much different than I thought they would be. There is frustration in the uncertainty, but I am also finding bits of bliss here and there. There is a certain beauty in the not knowing.

group has been a challenge for me this quarter. We haven't had many planning meetings and that has caused my heart to not be in it entirely. I found myself caught in the motions of going to practice, showing up on Wednesday and closing off my heart. I became super upset with myself because this was not the point of being on staff this year. I was here to grow and I was merely standing in the same place every week playing one whole note after another. Two weeks ago I looked at the words on the screen and everything changed for me:

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. The same love that rescued the earth lives in me.

What?! Why wouldn't I want to be a part of that? Singing those words over and over again, I began to believe them wholeheartedly and just like that, my heart was back in it. As a follower of Christ, I am in a unique position to shine His light in the world. I shine that light through joy. Tyler told me that he is dumbfounded by the joy I posses, even on Monday afternoons in Comparative Political Systems. I don't know where it comes from; I think Mondays are lame, just like everybody else, but somehow I am still smiling. Bob pointed out that I find the same amount of joy in small things and big things. My heart leapt just as much when I got a position on group staff as when I took a bite out of an exceptionally crisp apple. I don't know where this comes from either...it seems like there is no other answer than God. With God comes purpose and with purpose comes an incredible gratitude to be alive. My life is a gift and I will use that gift to bring life to others as best I can.

I thought that spreading the love of Christ would come in the form of a SPRINT (Seattle Pacific Reachout International) trip this summer to Rwanda or Uganda, yet I decided to pull my application at the last second. It was a long thought process, but I feel at peace about it. The short version is that I knew my first trip overseas needed to be a personal one. I didn't want to go with a group of SPU students, I wanted to go on a personal journey that possibly had a connection to Bethany. I am now in the process of trying to do a 5 week (+/-) internship with World Relief in Rwanda working on church partnership between Bethany and local churches there.

I will be graduated in 18 months and I don't know what I want to do after that. This trip will be an insight into what living life overseas might entail and if it's really something I want to do. I have come to the conclusion more and more lately that I can't make decisions until I've scoped them out myself. Don't know what Africa is really like? My only logical solution is to go there and see it for myself. Perhaps this is too bold and unnecessary, but I know that it has the great possibility to completely change my life. There is need there and I feel that God has opened a door into Rwanda and that He has also opened my heart to take a leap of faith in jumping on a plane that will take me to the opposite side of the globe.

Does the uncertainty scare me? I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that it terrifies me. But there are so many here who are supportive of what might lie ahead for me and this support is what gives me the courage and confidence to go. So thank you. Thank you so much. For loving me, for praying for me, for caring for me. It is your love that gets me through each day and I would be hopeless without it.

On Board the Nostalgia Train

Two years ago I had never been on a train. I think I have spent days of my life on trains since I hopped on board the Amtrak to Bellingham in August 2009. First, it was Seattle to Bellingham. Next it was Augsburg to Friedrichschaffen. Friedrichschaffen to Basel. Basel to Kempten. Kempten to Munich. Munich to Salzburg. Salzburg to Prague. Prague to Augsburg. 6 Months later: Munich to Augsburg. Augsburg to Salzburg. Salzburg to Schladming. Schladming to Salzburg. Salzburg to Munich. Munich to Augsburg. And now here I am, Seattle to Portland.

Though it's no train along the Rhine, through the Alps or across the Danube, it still carries me away. When I sit on a train, I often have grand intentions of accomplishing something, but this is never the case. Novels aren't read, homework is never even started and knitting projects bore me quite quickly. I often end up staring out the window with beautiful music streaming through my headphones.

My mind begins to wander sometimes to the past and sometimes to places still unknown. As the sun begins to dip into the edge of the sky, my heart is at peace. I see images on this Northwest train right now that make me feel like I am on my way to visit Kristi in Kandern. The silhouettes of birds flying across a dusky sky framed by bare winter branches are a beautiful picture that can be seen anywhere in this expansive yet miniscule world.

Trains have most often been a place of solitude for me and I enjoy that. It is quite possible in fact that when I am rocking back and forth ever so gently as a train chugs along, my heart is most at peace. Planes are full of people in a hurry and often full of stress, sometimes fear even. Cars require responsibility and concentration. But trains...trains are a place to sit down and take life a little bit slower. They are a place to contemplate and imagine. They make me feel so free. As much as I wish this train would magically end up in Basel with my sister waiting at the opposite end, I'm quite happy to simply be her in car #9, seat 15. The homework will remain untouched and my soul will continue to be refreshed. I will soon be greeted by six beautiful women at the train station for a fabulous long weekend and, thanks to the train, it is already off to a very good start.

Dalmation Pancakes

A great man once occupied the chair that I am presently sitting in. The brightly colored blanket covering it always meant that this was Grandpa's chair, as opposed to the more neutrally toned blanket covering the chair it sat next to. I am in Bend, OR right now and memories always fly back when I am in this place. Not necessarily Bend, but the place where my Grandma Ruth resides. Whether our property in the North Cascades, the TTN campsites, Coarsegold or here, I always feel like I am in the same place. The eagle in the window, the giant stuffed chipmunk, the dishes and the warmth always make this place feel like home. I awoke to see Grandma sitting in her chair, waiting for me to wake up and eat breakfast with her. "What would you like for breakfast?" she asks. She knows she doesn't need to ask...Norwegian pancakes it is.

When one of the pancakes was put onto my plate, I looked at it and felt like a kid again. It was a pancake that had lots of spots on it that are just a bit more cooked than the rest of the pancake; I always called them dalmation pancakes because they reminded me of my favorite movie, 101 Dalmations. I took a bite of the pancake and I was back in the trailer, watching the birds outside as CNN played in the background. I miss that time of life when cares were few and days were long. Now I am here because I am going to a conference about social justice and the church, trying to figure out what the next step is for my life. I'm not here for arts and crafts time with Grandma, but I am so glad I am with her. When life becomes full at school, it is really nice to be able to run away from Seattle for a few days and relax. I am now realizing that this is one of the quietest places I've been in a long time.

I understand why Grandpa liked to watch the birds. They're beautiful, they're quiet and they are mesmerizing. I watch them fly and land on the tree and then watch them fly away over and over again and my heart feels so much peace. It's the same thing that happens when I look at the stars. When I stare out at the sky in the middle of the night, my heart is at peace. I look at the creation and I think of our Creator and how all of these things-the birds, the stars, the world-are part of a brilliant plan. Day by day, we fly around and land on different branches: different circumstances, different decisions, different plans. At the end of the day, we rest and we stare at the infinite expanse beyond.

Right now, I am staring at the vast expanse in front of me. There is not much to see and many plans have yet to be made, but I am at peace. I know that each day God will dot my sky with yet another star so that eventually I will be looking at a brilliant sky. For now, I go about living each day with the certainty in my heart that there is indeed a plan, I'm just not sure what it is yet. And that's half the adventure, isn't it?

Wednesday

I remember Wednesdays quite distinctly. Two years ago, I remember sitting on the floor of Upper Gwinn, right in front of the beautiful Aly, and feeling terrified, but somehow free. I stared at the carpet watching the pattern stretch out all over a room that on any other day is nothing more than a place to hear a lecture or eat a meal. On Wednesday nights, though, it is a sanctuary. Perhaps I looked like I was spacing out as I stared at the carpet, but the reality is that I was grappling with the fact that I wasn't going to live the life I thought I would be living. The fact is that on that particular Wednesday night, my dreams of being on stage were tossed out the window for something bigger.

For some, the dreams of the stage are perfect. More than perfect, really. They have gumption and they have courage. They can handle being told "no" audition after audition and they still have the strength to try again. I couldn't do it. When we asked Candace in Acting I how she knew she wanted to be an actress. She said that she knew when she didn't have to think about it. People asked if she wanted to act and she said yes. No hesitation, just a single focus on the one thing she really wanted to. I hesitated for months until finally one night at group, God asked if I wanted to act and I said no. It was no longer a question...the answer was no.

Freedom.

The whole world was waiting for me and I had to get beyond my own dreams to see it. Now, I am looking forward to days of summer which could be spent anywhere. Rwanda, Germany or Federal Way...wherever God calls. That's what I keep telling myself and they are also the words that are hopefully getting across to people on Wednesday nights as we go through the book of Matthew.

There are clear calls that we receive in Matthew, but it is up to us to follow them. I followed a call two years ago and now I stand up front and help others to hear that same call. GO. Whether we go upstairs, next door, across the state or across the world, we are being called to take a step forward. What a blessing it has been to be on the other side of the worship service. We often sing a song that has some of my favorite lyrics: I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow. These are the lyrics that have been my life for the past two and a half years. There are days that I feel like I am overflowing and then there are days that I am bone dry. I need all of these days and God has been providing them without hesitation. I am thankful everyday I wake up because I know that God is letting me live a full life. A life of love, of joy, of adventure and of hope.

Don't Be So Specific

A man came into the bakery on Saturday and asked, "Been busy today?"

"No," I replied, "it's actually been incredibly slow."

"Aah, all those New Year's Resolutions, right?"

"Probably, but just give it time. They'll be back. They always come back."

New Year's Resolutions are never something I've been particularly good at. I'll do them straight for a month, screw up one day and then never do them again. So, this year I've decided that I need not be so particular. I can set general resolutions and follow them as best I can. What more can be expected of me than the best I can do? So, here we go:

1. Stay hydrated...because Ben Rowe and I have decided that dehydration is the root of all evil. I will drink a nalgene bottle a day...that's 32 oz. a day.

2. Read the Bible consistently...did you know that there's enough chapters in Proverbs to read one every day of the month? By the end of the year, I will read Proverbs 12 times.

3. Run...I once hated to run. Then I didn't. Then I did. Now I must get back into the trend of running. Three times a week is my goal, but I won't quit entirely if I forget to run one time.

4. Become a morning person...I've already started to do this, but I hope to continue to enjoy the beauty of the morning, no matter how late the night before goes. I wake up, turn on my lamp by my bed and open Rilke's Book of Hours where the poetry makes my soul at ease.

5. Be wholehearted...As Rilke said, "I live my life in widening circles across the world...I circle around God, the primordial tower." In all that I do, whether playing music in Friends & Family, studying geography, eating dinner with my housemates or preparing for group, I must unite all these aspects of my life with Christ.

I realize I should have written this blog three weeks ago, but things have been busy. Perhaps something else I must make a solid attempt at is writing on this blog once a week. For some of you who don't see me every day (and perhaps some who do), it is a window into my heart. These are often the thoughts in my mind that are not easily expressed vocally. There is something about the keys on this keyboard that help the words flow. So, there's a last resolution: to share more with you. My ten devoted readers, how I appreciate your patience.

New Year's Eve

I remembr that exactly one year ago I had just landed after Christmas in Europe and I was lying on the couch by myself watching old episodes of Glee. I am in a very different state this New Year's Eve of 2010. I am surrounded by my parents and their friends. I am HOME.

There's never been fear in my heart of God calling me to go somewhere far away. It's not because I'm brave or because I'm desperate to leave this place, but I feel confident enough to leave because I know I'll always have this place to return to. Perhaps not these same walls or the same trees growing outside, but the stories and lives will always be here. These eight people-my own parents and the parent s of some of my dearest friends-have been the greatest influence on my life. From feeding me many pounds of beef to picking me up from school to attending ever play I was in, they've always been there for me. How they've managed to raise their own children and also a small part of me, I'll never know. They are phenomenal and it has been an absolute pleasure to share this New Year's Eve with them. I thank the Lord for bringing all of our lives together and I pray that it will stay that way for many years to come.