Wednesday

I remember Wednesdays quite distinctly. Two years ago, I remember sitting on the floor of Upper Gwinn, right in front of the beautiful Aly, and feeling terrified, but somehow free. I stared at the carpet watching the pattern stretch out all over a room that on any other day is nothing more than a place to hear a lecture or eat a meal. On Wednesday nights, though, it is a sanctuary. Perhaps I looked like I was spacing out as I stared at the carpet, but the reality is that I was grappling with the fact that I wasn't going to live the life I thought I would be living. The fact is that on that particular Wednesday night, my dreams of being on stage were tossed out the window for something bigger.

For some, the dreams of the stage are perfect. More than perfect, really. They have gumption and they have courage. They can handle being told "no" audition after audition and they still have the strength to try again. I couldn't do it. When we asked Candace in Acting I how she knew she wanted to be an actress. She said that she knew when she didn't have to think about it. People asked if she wanted to act and she said yes. No hesitation, just a single focus on the one thing she really wanted to. I hesitated for months until finally one night at group, God asked if I wanted to act and I said no. It was no longer a question...the answer was no.

Freedom.

The whole world was waiting for me and I had to get beyond my own dreams to see it. Now, I am looking forward to days of summer which could be spent anywhere. Rwanda, Germany or Federal Way...wherever God calls. That's what I keep telling myself and they are also the words that are hopefully getting across to people on Wednesday nights as we go through the book of Matthew.

There are clear calls that we receive in Matthew, but it is up to us to follow them. I followed a call two years ago and now I stand up front and help others to hear that same call. GO. Whether we go upstairs, next door, across the state or across the world, we are being called to take a step forward. What a blessing it has been to be on the other side of the worship service. We often sing a song that has some of my favorite lyrics: I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow. These are the lyrics that have been my life for the past two and a half years. There are days that I feel like I am overflowing and then there are days that I am bone dry. I need all of these days and God has been providing them without hesitation. I am thankful everyday I wake up because I know that God is letting me live a full life. A life of love, of joy, of adventure and of hope.

Don't Be So Specific

A man came into the bakery on Saturday and asked, "Been busy today?"

"No," I replied, "it's actually been incredibly slow."

"Aah, all those New Year's Resolutions, right?"

"Probably, but just give it time. They'll be back. They always come back."

New Year's Resolutions are never something I've been particularly good at. I'll do them straight for a month, screw up one day and then never do them again. So, this year I've decided that I need not be so particular. I can set general resolutions and follow them as best I can. What more can be expected of me than the best I can do? So, here we go:

1. Stay hydrated...because Ben Rowe and I have decided that dehydration is the root of all evil. I will drink a nalgene bottle a day...that's 32 oz. a day.

2. Read the Bible consistently...did you know that there's enough chapters in Proverbs to read one every day of the month? By the end of the year, I will read Proverbs 12 times.

3. Run...I once hated to run. Then I didn't. Then I did. Now I must get back into the trend of running. Three times a week is my goal, but I won't quit entirely if I forget to run one time.

4. Become a morning person...I've already started to do this, but I hope to continue to enjoy the beauty of the morning, no matter how late the night before goes. I wake up, turn on my lamp by my bed and open Rilke's Book of Hours where the poetry makes my soul at ease.

5. Be wholehearted...As Rilke said, "I live my life in widening circles across the world...I circle around God, the primordial tower." In all that I do, whether playing music in Friends & Family, studying geography, eating dinner with my housemates or preparing for group, I must unite all these aspects of my life with Christ.

I realize I should have written this blog three weeks ago, but things have been busy. Perhaps something else I must make a solid attempt at is writing on this blog once a week. For some of you who don't see me every day (and perhaps some who do), it is a window into my heart. These are often the thoughts in my mind that are not easily expressed vocally. There is something about the keys on this keyboard that help the words flow. So, there's a last resolution: to share more with you. My ten devoted readers, how I appreciate your patience.

New Year's Eve

I remembr that exactly one year ago I had just landed after Christmas in Europe and I was lying on the couch by myself watching old episodes of Glee. I am in a very different state this New Year's Eve of 2010. I am surrounded by my parents and their friends. I am HOME.

There's never been fear in my heart of God calling me to go somewhere far away. It's not because I'm brave or because I'm desperate to leave this place, but I feel confident enough to leave because I know I'll always have this place to return to. Perhaps not these same walls or the same trees growing outside, but the stories and lives will always be here. These eight people-my own parents and the parent s of some of my dearest friends-have been the greatest influence on my life. From feeding me many pounds of beef to picking me up from school to attending ever play I was in, they've always been there for me. How they've managed to raise their own children and also a small part of me, I'll never know. They are phenomenal and it has been an absolute pleasure to share this New Year's Eve with them. I thank the Lord for bringing all of our lives together and I pray that it will stay that way for many years to come.

What's In a Name?

In an empty sanctuary

where the band plays only for me.

I remember these days from long ago

where five hundred was big and no number was small.

I remember the giant bear in the library,

curling up on it with stories of a bunny named Max.

Life was simpler then

and I was a stranger to no one.

Now I am incognito,

I'm just Holly-no Dahlstrom attached.

I'm proud of my name,

but what does life look like without it?

Is it quiet? Is it different?

Or could it be just the same?

In an empty sanctuary

where the band plays only for me.

Just the Two of Us

I must admit, though a bit of an introvert, I got quite lonely in the last couple of days. Waking up and coming home to my big empty house was not as relaxing as I imagined it would be. Only when there was another soul inside to drink a cup of tea with or share a bowl of pasta with did I really feel like I was home. When Valerie called me and asked me to meet her at the ferry, I was happy to do it because I knew that in a few hours the two of us would be sitting in our living room with the Christmas tree sharing my leftover burrito. We would be warm, we would be dry and we would be together. We laughed, we shared stories and we watched Babies. I felt exhausted and then, to my dismay, realized it was only a quarter to eight. "What should we do?" Valerie asked.

Sleep? No, it's too early. Clean? No, that's too productive. Watch another movie? No, that will make me fall asleep. We could play music. Yes...or not. Craft time? Yes! But our floor is really dirty...it must be vacuumed. WE SHOULD MAKE A BLANKET FORT! That was the ticket, the incentive to clean and then make a wondrous tent in our bedroom. Craft time IN the tent. Perfect. So, here we now sit. She has the crochet hook in her hand and I have chalky fingers and we are creating. The lighting is low, the music perfect and life is good. Moods like this are perfect for pondering, so I have found myself on this blog...words flowing from the keys...thoughts barely finished.

"Life should always be like this," I said. I love these moments of childhood that are often interspersed into my young adult life. Sitting in a tent in our bedroom, drawing pictures and making a scarf. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me still be a kid. The world is full of hurt, but it is nice to be able to escape it, even if it's only for a night. It is nice to be in the warmth of this moment, where the only thing we need to worry about is dropping a stitch or getting chalk on my quilt. These are the days that are Christmas break. Oh, how I love them!

Nurse 1 and Nurse 2

These girls are PHENOMENAL! I watch them stress a lot test over test over test. Tiny details that somehow change everything put so much anxiousness in their hearts and I just wish I could tell them not to worry. Then I found out today that they really do need to worry. If they get too low of a test score, they straight up get kicked out of nursing school. Too many wrong answers and they're done for? That's just not fair. But it gives me extra incentive to continue loving them extra.

I was the first one done with finals in The Nest, so I felt it was my duty to be very helpful as everyone else finished up. I cleaned the bedroom, the bathroom and then the kitchen. Then, Kate asked me what time I was getting up on Wednesday. "Probably never," I told her, as it was my first day to sleep in since Thanksgiving. "Why?" I asked. "Well," she hesitated, "if I woke you up early, would you pray for me before my exam?" Gosh, how could I say no to that? So, I figured if I was going to get up, I might as well make them pancakes before the big exam. Thanks to grandmother, who provided me with the perfect Norwegian pancake making supplies, I was able to give them a good breakfast before they went off to regurgitate all the knowledge they have acquired in the past ten weeks.

I am so proud of these two. I couldn't do it, not if you paid me a million dollars. The all nighters, the exams, the memorization...it's not a role that just anyone can fill. You have to be exceptional and Kate and Rachael really are. It is a pleasure to wake up early on sleep in day to do something to bless them. I adore them and I pray everyday that they will see the light at the end of the study tunnel. Someday they will be nurses and they will change and save so many lives every single day. What a joy it is to be a part of their extremely special lives.

Also, they both passed their final exams. On to winter quarter!

Breathe

"All that I know is I'm breathing."

I remember listening to this song on repeat last spring. I listened to it because I was terrified. Heartbroken. Alone. My God, how things have changed in the last six months.

I was talking to Anna today about how I feel like my junior year of high school is so far away. It was only four years ago, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that life is very moldable. We are shaped and defined by tiny events that occur and in the course of four years, much will change. I'm not just different from that 16 year old, I'm different from the 20 year old I became in June. Who will I be four years from now? Well, if there's anything else that I've learned, it's that there's no way to predict such things.

Here I am, over halfway through college: studying global development, living with four other girls I barely knew until about a year ago, playing my viola in two bands for ten hours a week and writing on a blog with a cup of tea in my hand at 9:30 on a Friday night. Did I ever think this is what my life would look like? No, but this is who I am and I really enjoy it. My boss asked me today what life will look like for these four weeks without class. I told her that they would most likely involve a lot of sitting and talking to my friends without feeling guilty about the ten page paper I have to write or the thirty page articles I have yet to read. My friends are very important to me and it feels like most things I do surround them. But during the quarter, there's always a part of my mind that is not at all focused on them. What joy it is not to have that chunk of my mind removed now. I am here...ALL of me. That, to me, is what a "good time" is. It's guilt-free, deep and full of love.

How frustrating that school so often gets in the way of my fun. I often wonder what it must be like to have a life where I can come home after work and do whatever I want. Then I get scared when I realize that such a time is not actually that far away. I have dreams, though, big dreams. I want to GO. I don't know what that means. Maybe I'll be like the lovely woman whose dog I walk and I'll change the world through libraries in Eastern Europe. Or perhaps I'll be Blake Mycoskie's new best friend and I will put shoes on the feet of children in Argentina. Or I will be called to something not so glamorous, but just as rewarding...I will be called to stay. Stay here in Seattle, this supposed "godless city," and let the love of Christ shine.

There is much for me here. My beautiful family, wonderful friends and a church that I have had the pleasure to watch grow. Why do I always have a longing to go? My challenge is to sit still and watch the world around me. Soon enough I will have the chance to go out and help, but first this. First there are studies, group and pastries with lattes. This is a phase and, like all phases, it will pass. I will enjoy it while it's here. And I will especially enjoy this particular part of the phase called Christmas Break. I'm glad you're here.