Missing You

No one laughs at God in a hospital.

No one laughs at God in a war.

No one's laughing at God

When they've lost all they've got

And they don't know what for.

No one laughs at God

On the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see

Is a pair of hateful eyes.

No one's laughing at God

When they're saying their goodbyes.

(Regina Spektor, "Laughing With")

Five years ago she jumped and the world stopped. We all closed our eyes, took a deep breath and desperately hoped the nightmare would be over the second we opened our eyes again. When we finally had the courage to open our eyes all we saw was reality staring us in the face: she was gone. When I stare out my window every night at the Aurora Bridge I see a beautiful sight, but there is also fear. When I see lights flashing I pray to God that no one else has jumped. Please God, don't let anyone else feel the pain that so many have felt due to this sort of a death.

On May 6 of each year, I am reminded that life is fragile. I have a friend at a memorial service this weekend for his dear friend who died three years ago. She was young. Why is there death of the young? Whether by accident or a moment of hopelessness, the death of someone so young is unfair. Talking about it with friends who have faced similar things, we all notice the same thing. Good things do come of situations like this.

But is it really worth it?

Is it really worth the loss of life for a group of stupid 16 year olds to realize that we ought to be nicer to one another? I struggle with this logic, yet it seems the only explanation. It seems that we are all moving too fast. We are so caught up in our own worlds that the only way the world can get our attention is by yelling at us. My hope for my life is that I will learn how to stop. Look at the stars. Listen to my roommate. Walk to the store. Go out of my way. The world is too big to face alone...hold onto the love you have and never let go...not for anything in or out of this world.

Moments

Life is made up of moments. Some of them last only a second yet those are so often the most significant. A single tear that rolls down my cheek. A burst of laughter as loud as a big dog's bark. A touch of the hand. A scratch of the back. Eyes that meet. Warmth of the heart. The coldness of fear. There are feelings wrapped up in the midst of the everyday. There is more to life than the schedule that is kept.

I hear two alarms go off before my own. I never open my eyes because that would make me enter reality sooner than I would like. But I think of them in these half asleep moments and pray that they have good days.

The alarm goes off at 7am and the sun is already awake. I pour the yogurt and granola in the ceramic bowl homemade by two very loving hands. I think of her in this moment every single morning.

I grab the lime green nano puff as I head out the door. It's never the color I would have chosen, but it was a gift from him and I have grown to adore it. Every time I walk out the door I think of him in this moment.

The keys on the hook hold a keychain from South Africa. It is a continent that seems so very different and far away, but the moment I hold the keys in my hand I am reminded that I will be there soon.

I walk past the door of Demaray 356 and remember a day before I actually attended SPU when I took the SATs in that room. It is in this moment I remember there was a time before college and I realize how much I have changed.

I see two ducks sitting outside the SUB. This is not where they normally reside, but perhaps they are here in this moment to remind me of her. She is very special to me and I love her so much.

OMH is a dreadful place, but there will forever be her voice saying "Otto Miller 127" in my head. I think of her every moment I walk through the dark drafty hall of Otto Miller.

These are just moments from the day to day. To get started on the specific moments that have been significant would mean this blog post would go on for eternity. Because life is made up of a thousand tiny moments, each holding their own significance and meaning. It is in these tiny moments that we feel, that we learn and that we remember. Moments are beautiful things and it is here in this moment that I realize how blessed I am that I can look back on my moments in fondness. Each moment leads to the next and each one has a purpose. Sometimes they are painful, but they are somehow beautiful at the same time. It's funny the way God works through our pain to bring beauty. He truly does make beautiful things out of the dust.

Without a Voice

I've never broken a bone, never needed to wear glasses and have always been able to hear and speak. Goodness, I didn't realize how easy I have it. My voice began to give out on Friday night and by Sunday afternoon, it was gone completely. It was brutal not to wish people a Happy Easter on Saturday at the bakery as I forced myself to do dishes in the back all day. Not being able to sing at church on Sunday was awful. I broke down when I came home from church because I was unable to talk to anyone. Not the boys in the soundbooth, not the worship team, not the people handing me a scone. The adorable old couple next to me probably thought I was just an unfriendly college student who is afraid of senior citizens. None of these things are true. You are all so great! And I want to talk to you...but I can't. My voice is gone.

How selfish I feel when this is a huge problem in my life. Not being able to speak for two days...it could be worse. I could be this way for the rest of my life. I could have never spoken a word since the day I was born. I can handle a few days of this, but it is very irritating. There is now a constant fear of being misunderstood. No, I'm not telling secrets or passing notes under the professor's nose. I'm not ridiculously shy and I have plenty of things I want to say in class. What a blessing it is to speak. How important it is to watch what we say. I realize now how loud I really am--always yelling to my friends across campus and asking questions in class. I realize the power that words can hold, both good and bad. Perhaps silence is good for a time, but the return of my voice would be much appreciated in the next few days.

I have things to say. There are so many things I want to know that I was unable to ask today.

In UCOR (philosophy): If a sinner is one who openly rejects God, is the ultimate punishment really eternal separation from God? If they didn't want to be separated from God, they wouldn't have so blatantly rejected Him in the first place. Or would they?

In Political and Economic Development of Nations: How long does it take a barge to get from China to the United States? If they really tip over as often as you say they do, does that mean there's a whole lot of junk just sitting at the bottom of the Pacific? Are environmentalists concerned with that?

In History of Africa: If Europeans had never landed on African soil and the different chiefdoms continued to exist as they had always done, would Africa be considered impoverished the way it is today? They were not dissatisfied with their way of living...is it simply comparison to the West that made them realize they were not living life to its "greatest" standard?

In planning meeting: Too many questions...justice, evil, judgement, mercy, grace, hope...how do they all fit together?

Well, those are the thoughts that are running through my head and now you, the wonderful ten people who read my blog, are the only ones who know what is going on in my mind right now. Lucky you!

group

I remember the first time I heard the story of how my dad ended up becoming the pastor at Bethany Community Church. He had set some pretty high standards for God to meet and when God went above and beyond (a unanimous vote by the congregation to make him the senior pastor), there was no turning back. A similar thing happened to me last week. I'm on group staff, as you probably know. If you don't know, group is a weekly worship service at SPU and I am one of the 13 staff members. Over the last three years, group has played a huge role in my life and today marks another important day in my relationship to group. Here is the story of me and group:

Freshman year: I remember going to group the first week of school with the girls from my floor. I was excited to see Upper Gwinn transformed into a haven where worship took a whole new form. For the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable taking my shoes off in a worship service, sitting and standing as I desired and looking at art that students had created. group gave worship a new meaning to me. It wasn't just singing songs, it wasn't a church service, it wasn't a sermon. It was a strange hybrid of these elements, but more than anything it was a place where I was challenged to think more deeply about the words that I was singing. The lyrics of the songs fit so perfectly together with the scripture that we were studying. Then we began to sing that song that quite literally changed my life:

We must go. Live to feed the hungry. Stand beside the broken. We must go. Stepping forward. Keep us from just singing. Move us into action. We must go.

It was week after week of singing this song that made me realize a theatre major was not for me and there was a better fit. I let go of that plan and then asked God to give me a new plan. This leap of faith was not one that I was familiar with taking and I realized that this was a turning point for me. When I applied to be a student ministry coordinator and didn't get it, applying for group staff began to look like a very appealing option. I loved attending every week and I felt like I owed it to group to be a part of it the next year.

Sophomore year: The year began with an exhausting leadership retreat and I quickly began to doubt my decision to be on group staff. I decided to be on the staff of the service that was my place of worship, so where was I to find my place of worship? My heart was very uneasy and I was mad at God for the first time in a while. Something that felt like the perfect call was all of a sudden feeling very wrong and I was frustrated. But after one Wednesday in a pile of tears, everything began to get better. After a second leadership retreat, I realized that providing a place of worship for 300 students every week was a big deal and I felt blessed to be a part of it. In the words of my dear friend Stephanie:

God touches us with His love so that we might touch others with His love.

Freshman year had been a year of being filled with Christ and sophomore was my chance to pour it all out. An agonizing decision came into my life at the beginning of spring quarter: to be on staff again or not to be on staff again? The choice was basically mine and as soon as I said "no way," my heart was uneasy and I cried my eyes out when I realized my schedule would conflict with group. I went into my interview and laid out several scheduling conflicts before them and said I desperately wanted to be on staff. They took me and the conflicts worked themselves out.

Junior year: A (once again) reluctant heart headed out to leadership conference, but after about one second with this staff, I was overjoyed. This year has been excellent on several levels, but I have been participating with staff as though this was it...no more group after this year. Until about ten days ago. My one condition was this: I would not even consider applying for group unless Bob personally asked me to be the coordinator. The condition was far fetched and I thought there was about a 5% chance of it actually happening. I opened my email last Wednesday and there was a one line email from Bob:

Hmmm...has Holly ever considered applying for coordinator?

God, you've got to be kidding me, I said to myself as I remembered my one condition. I told Bob that I couldn't do it because I had no time. A cop out answer for sure. I quietly went into his office the next day and asked him to print off an application and told him that it didn't mean anything. Then I gave my references their forms to fill out. When I couldn't sleep that night, the answers to the questions on the application were racing through my mind so I filled out the application and turned it in the next morning. When Bob told me on Tuesday that nobody else applied for the position I said, "Okay God. You win." I went to my interview this morning and got the call offering me the position this afternoon. I smiled a big smile as I said, "Yes, I would love to accept."

Senior year: Shoot, there's no knowing what next year will look like. There is the potential of an entirely new staff. There are some crazy books of the Bible to study. There are hours and hours of very hard work. There are many afternoons in Bob's office. What I am certain of: this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

So there you have it. Holly Dahlstrom: group Staff Coordinator. Those are some words I never thought I'd say, but I must say, I'm glad to say them now.

Spurts of Thought

I have been getting some complaints (rightfully so) about the lack of blogging in the last six weeks. Let me say this: I've tried, but the final product is me having a thousand thoughts and you have nothing to read. That's not fair for you, so let me share with you the three that I started and never quite finished. Then I'll write a complete post for you--just for you--about my thoughts of this quarter to date.

3/30/11

One week ago, I was sitting in the window of a coffee shop reading A Severe Mercy as the sun poured over me. I was in a state of utter relaxation without a care in the world. I wasn't thinking about what was in the past. I wasn't pondering what lies ahead. I was just soaking in the beauty of the present. Yet here I sit, one week later: TERRIFIED. I stressed myself out the day before classes started and I have begun the quarter in an uneasy state of mind. Lord, help me. Help me to find the peace that was so prominent in my heart exactly one week ago. Take me back to the sunny table of the cafe where there was nothing but You, me and my book.

4/5/11

I can't believe I haven't written in a month. Okay, I can believe it, but that doesn't mean I'm proud of it. There were plenty of moments over spring break that I found myself in sunny windows, soaking in the joy of life and never wrote a word. I felt inspired then. Inspired by warmth that touched my skin and my soul. I was inspired by a head no longer studying political systems and reading A Severe Mercy just for fun. There was an early morning coffee with G.M. Roe to discuss development issues in our world. There was an interview with World Relief. Then, after about a week, it was just me and my thoughts for a little too long.

4/17/11

I know, it has been far too long since I have written anything on my blog. Sometimes time fills up, other times there is so much to say I am too overwhelmed to say anything at all, but the truth of the last month is that I just haven't known what to say. A lot has happened between Spring Break and now. I have learned much about myself, I have begun to look at the future, school has become something I deeply care about and life is beginning to take a very different shape than I ever thought it would. Between God's call and my stubborn self, it would only be a matter of time before I gave in to what He had planned for me.

You see? Blogging is no simple feat, especially when so much happens and cascades all over you at the same time. I'll give it a go, just one more try to explain all that has happened in my life since the sunny day in the cafe during Spring Break.

What Makes Me Me?

I arrived at home after class yesterday and realized that for the first time in...a long time, I had nothing pressing to do. My Christology paper was turned in, my reading review for Dr. Ediger was completed and I didn't have an assignment for Dr. Stiling's class yet. I didn't know what to do. I was struck by the fact that I was standing in my living room and I had nothing that I had to do. Sure, I could actually do my UFDN reading or I could start on next weeks reading review OR I could not do those things and I could catch my breath. I stood paralyzed in my bedroom deciding what to do with the two hours of free time staring me in the face and decided after a few minutes that it was time to leave Queen Anne. I hopped in the car and headed to the Trader Joe's in Ballard to do my grocery shopping (because Queen Anne stopped carrying my favorite mango chicken sausages) and then I would buy delicious, quality, affordable produce from Top Banana. After the errands, I drove as far West as 65th would take me and I arrived at Sunset Park. I pulled out my hazelnut Ritter Sport and savored the bites as I stared at the sky.

It was one of those afternoons where the beams of sunlight burst through the clouds as though God himself is shining down on earth. As I pondered the beauty of God, I remembered seeing similar beauty last summer from the window of my room in Schladming. It's been 8 months since I left for Austria and I have been wondering how exactly that time has changed me. God knows I'm not the same now as I was before I left and I'm definitely not the same now as before I came to college. It made me wonder: what are the things that have shaped me into who I am right now? Here are my top ten:

1. My Parents who have a profoundly deep love for one another that is the most beautiful love I have ever seen. They inspire me to find such love of my own and also make me worried that such love could never exist in anyone else.

2. Noah and Kristi who loved me, even when I was a pest. After they got beyond the mullets and baggy T-shirts, they taught me to be cool. From music to books to wine, they have taught me what is fantastic and what to avoid.

3. Bethany Community Church embraced me the day the Dahlstroms came to Seattle. I am blessed to have a church family that still knows me, loves me and supports me, even 15 years after I arrived.

4. My Grandparents who have overcome immense difficulties in their lives and have lived through several wars. From Pearl Harbor to the battle over which city to live in, they have managed to still love. Through the death of loved ones, they have managed to see life. Through the despair of the world, they have managed to find hope.

5. Upward Bound: Five weeks in Austria where my eyes were truly opened to the God of all creation and where I was enveloped by his love. It was an experience where my soul overflowed and where I found myself to be most true.

6. Violin Lessons which provided an excellent relationship with a teacher who became more of a mentor. Playing the violin is what led me to some of my closest relationships and greatest accomplishments in high school. In college, it brought me into Friends & Family which is like being in a band full of big brothers who will look out for me and pester me until the day I die.

7. Adelaide was the role I never got to play. How silly that a name on a cast list would make such an impact on my life, but had it not been for this disappointment, I never would have learned to let go of the life that I held onto so tight and I never would have changed my major to Global Development.

8. Fourth Hill of 08-09 was the community that showed me the immense love of Christ and the powerful joy found in relationships.

9. group reminded me week after week that I am called to spread the love of Christ in the world, that I cannot live this life on my own and that stepping into God's story is the greatest decision I can ever make. It led me not only to a change of major, but also a huge change of heart. Being on staff for two years has been one of the greatest challenges and greatest blessings in my life and I am honored that I am able to be a part of a service that is so dear to me.

10. HOPE. How did I not see the immensity of the hope we find in Christ? When I finally found it, life turned into a new direction. It has given me the courage to open my hands to the Lord and give Him my life fully and use me how He may.

Oh God, how I thank you for giving me this beautiful life. I thank you for the experiences that shape us. I thank you for the pain in the suffering that brings us new life. I thank you for the sunrises, the melodies and the relationships. I thank you for making me who I am. I thank you for making me me.

Homework Time

As the sun shines outside this bustling tea shop, I ache to be in it. I want to buy cookies from the girl scout across the street. I want to wander down the brick avenue towards the fresh fruit stands at the farmers market. Yet here I sit, Yann Tiersen fighting the rock music over the loud speakers, writing a paper that is due in a few short hours. Spring Break is soon, but these next ten days will be hard. Good luck me...