group

I remember the first time I heard the story of how my dad ended up becoming the pastor at Bethany Community Church. He had set some pretty high standards for God to meet and when God went above and beyond (a unanimous vote by the congregation to make him the senior pastor), there was no turning back. A similar thing happened to me last week. I'm on group staff, as you probably know. If you don't know, group is a weekly worship service at SPU and I am one of the 13 staff members. Over the last three years, group has played a huge role in my life and today marks another important day in my relationship to group. Here is the story of me and group:

Freshman year: I remember going to group the first week of school with the girls from my floor. I was excited to see Upper Gwinn transformed into a haven where worship took a whole new form. For the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable taking my shoes off in a worship service, sitting and standing as I desired and looking at art that students had created. group gave worship a new meaning to me. It wasn't just singing songs, it wasn't a church service, it wasn't a sermon. It was a strange hybrid of these elements, but more than anything it was a place where I was challenged to think more deeply about the words that I was singing. The lyrics of the songs fit so perfectly together with the scripture that we were studying. Then we began to sing that song that quite literally changed my life:

We must go. Live to feed the hungry. Stand beside the broken. We must go. Stepping forward. Keep us from just singing. Move us into action. We must go.

It was week after week of singing this song that made me realize a theatre major was not for me and there was a better fit. I let go of that plan and then asked God to give me a new plan. This leap of faith was not one that I was familiar with taking and I realized that this was a turning point for me. When I applied to be a student ministry coordinator and didn't get it, applying for group staff began to look like a very appealing option. I loved attending every week and I felt like I owed it to group to be a part of it the next year.

Sophomore year: The year began with an exhausting leadership retreat and I quickly began to doubt my decision to be on group staff. I decided to be on the staff of the service that was my place of worship, so where was I to find my place of worship? My heart was very uneasy and I was mad at God for the first time in a while. Something that felt like the perfect call was all of a sudden feeling very wrong and I was frustrated. But after one Wednesday in a pile of tears, everything began to get better. After a second leadership retreat, I realized that providing a place of worship for 300 students every week was a big deal and I felt blessed to be a part of it. In the words of my dear friend Stephanie:

God touches us with His love so that we might touch others with His love.

Freshman year had been a year of being filled with Christ and sophomore was my chance to pour it all out. An agonizing decision came into my life at the beginning of spring quarter: to be on staff again or not to be on staff again? The choice was basically mine and as soon as I said "no way," my heart was uneasy and I cried my eyes out when I realized my schedule would conflict with group. I went into my interview and laid out several scheduling conflicts before them and said I desperately wanted to be on staff. They took me and the conflicts worked themselves out.

Junior year: A (once again) reluctant heart headed out to leadership conference, but after about one second with this staff, I was overjoyed. This year has been excellent on several levels, but I have been participating with staff as though this was it...no more group after this year. Until about ten days ago. My one condition was this: I would not even consider applying for group unless Bob personally asked me to be the coordinator. The condition was far fetched and I thought there was about a 5% chance of it actually happening. I opened my email last Wednesday and there was a one line email from Bob:

Hmmm...has Holly ever considered applying for coordinator?

God, you've got to be kidding me, I said to myself as I remembered my one condition. I told Bob that I couldn't do it because I had no time. A cop out answer for sure. I quietly went into his office the next day and asked him to print off an application and told him that it didn't mean anything. Then I gave my references their forms to fill out. When I couldn't sleep that night, the answers to the questions on the application were racing through my mind so I filled out the application and turned it in the next morning. When Bob told me on Tuesday that nobody else applied for the position I said, "Okay God. You win." I went to my interview this morning and got the call offering me the position this afternoon. I smiled a big smile as I said, "Yes, I would love to accept."

Senior year: Shoot, there's no knowing what next year will look like. There is the potential of an entirely new staff. There are some crazy books of the Bible to study. There are hours and hours of very hard work. There are many afternoons in Bob's office. What I am certain of: this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

So there you have it. Holly Dahlstrom: group Staff Coordinator. Those are some words I never thought I'd say, but I must say, I'm glad to say them now.

Spurts of Thought

I have been getting some complaints (rightfully so) about the lack of blogging in the last six weeks. Let me say this: I've tried, but the final product is me having a thousand thoughts and you have nothing to read. That's not fair for you, so let me share with you the three that I started and never quite finished. Then I'll write a complete post for you--just for you--about my thoughts of this quarter to date.

3/30/11

One week ago, I was sitting in the window of a coffee shop reading A Severe Mercy as the sun poured over me. I was in a state of utter relaxation without a care in the world. I wasn't thinking about what was in the past. I wasn't pondering what lies ahead. I was just soaking in the beauty of the present. Yet here I sit, one week later: TERRIFIED. I stressed myself out the day before classes started and I have begun the quarter in an uneasy state of mind. Lord, help me. Help me to find the peace that was so prominent in my heart exactly one week ago. Take me back to the sunny table of the cafe where there was nothing but You, me and my book.

4/5/11

I can't believe I haven't written in a month. Okay, I can believe it, but that doesn't mean I'm proud of it. There were plenty of moments over spring break that I found myself in sunny windows, soaking in the joy of life and never wrote a word. I felt inspired then. Inspired by warmth that touched my skin and my soul. I was inspired by a head no longer studying political systems and reading A Severe Mercy just for fun. There was an early morning coffee with G.M. Roe to discuss development issues in our world. There was an interview with World Relief. Then, after about a week, it was just me and my thoughts for a little too long.

4/17/11

I know, it has been far too long since I have written anything on my blog. Sometimes time fills up, other times there is so much to say I am too overwhelmed to say anything at all, but the truth of the last month is that I just haven't known what to say. A lot has happened between Spring Break and now. I have learned much about myself, I have begun to look at the future, school has become something I deeply care about and life is beginning to take a very different shape than I ever thought it would. Between God's call and my stubborn self, it would only be a matter of time before I gave in to what He had planned for me.

You see? Blogging is no simple feat, especially when so much happens and cascades all over you at the same time. I'll give it a go, just one more try to explain all that has happened in my life since the sunny day in the cafe during Spring Break.

What Makes Me Me?

I arrived at home after class yesterday and realized that for the first time in...a long time, I had nothing pressing to do. My Christology paper was turned in, my reading review for Dr. Ediger was completed and I didn't have an assignment for Dr. Stiling's class yet. I didn't know what to do. I was struck by the fact that I was standing in my living room and I had nothing that I had to do. Sure, I could actually do my UFDN reading or I could start on next weeks reading review OR I could not do those things and I could catch my breath. I stood paralyzed in my bedroom deciding what to do with the two hours of free time staring me in the face and decided after a few minutes that it was time to leave Queen Anne. I hopped in the car and headed to the Trader Joe's in Ballard to do my grocery shopping (because Queen Anne stopped carrying my favorite mango chicken sausages) and then I would buy delicious, quality, affordable produce from Top Banana. After the errands, I drove as far West as 65th would take me and I arrived at Sunset Park. I pulled out my hazelnut Ritter Sport and savored the bites as I stared at the sky.

It was one of those afternoons where the beams of sunlight burst through the clouds as though God himself is shining down on earth. As I pondered the beauty of God, I remembered seeing similar beauty last summer from the window of my room in Schladming. It's been 8 months since I left for Austria and I have been wondering how exactly that time has changed me. God knows I'm not the same now as I was before I left and I'm definitely not the same now as before I came to college. It made me wonder: what are the things that have shaped me into who I am right now? Here are my top ten:

1. My Parents who have a profoundly deep love for one another that is the most beautiful love I have ever seen. They inspire me to find such love of my own and also make me worried that such love could never exist in anyone else.

2. Noah and Kristi who loved me, even when I was a pest. After they got beyond the mullets and baggy T-shirts, they taught me to be cool. From music to books to wine, they have taught me what is fantastic and what to avoid.

3. Bethany Community Church embraced me the day the Dahlstroms came to Seattle. I am blessed to have a church family that still knows me, loves me and supports me, even 15 years after I arrived.

4. My Grandparents who have overcome immense difficulties in their lives and have lived through several wars. From Pearl Harbor to the battle over which city to live in, they have managed to still love. Through the death of loved ones, they have managed to see life. Through the despair of the world, they have managed to find hope.

5. Upward Bound: Five weeks in Austria where my eyes were truly opened to the God of all creation and where I was enveloped by his love. It was an experience where my soul overflowed and where I found myself to be most true.

6. Violin Lessons which provided an excellent relationship with a teacher who became more of a mentor. Playing the violin is what led me to some of my closest relationships and greatest accomplishments in high school. In college, it brought me into Friends & Family which is like being in a band full of big brothers who will look out for me and pester me until the day I die.

7. Adelaide was the role I never got to play. How silly that a name on a cast list would make such an impact on my life, but had it not been for this disappointment, I never would have learned to let go of the life that I held onto so tight and I never would have changed my major to Global Development.

8. Fourth Hill of 08-09 was the community that showed me the immense love of Christ and the powerful joy found in relationships.

9. group reminded me week after week that I am called to spread the love of Christ in the world, that I cannot live this life on my own and that stepping into God's story is the greatest decision I can ever make. It led me not only to a change of major, but also a huge change of heart. Being on staff for two years has been one of the greatest challenges and greatest blessings in my life and I am honored that I am able to be a part of a service that is so dear to me.

10. HOPE. How did I not see the immensity of the hope we find in Christ? When I finally found it, life turned into a new direction. It has given me the courage to open my hands to the Lord and give Him my life fully and use me how He may.

Oh God, how I thank you for giving me this beautiful life. I thank you for the experiences that shape us. I thank you for the pain in the suffering that brings us new life. I thank you for the sunrises, the melodies and the relationships. I thank you for making me who I am. I thank you for making me me.

Homework Time

As the sun shines outside this bustling tea shop, I ache to be in it. I want to buy cookies from the girl scout across the street. I want to wander down the brick avenue towards the fresh fruit stands at the farmers market. Yet here I sit, Yann Tiersen fighting the rock music over the loud speakers, writing a paper that is due in a few short hours. Spring Break is soon, but these next ten days will be hard. Good luck me...

The Nielsen's Family

Have I ever told you about the bakery? It's a charming little shop located in lower Queen Anne and I've been working there for the last year and a half. Going to work has never felt like a burden because I know that what waits inside is simply a joyful experience. The pastries in the case, the bakers in the back, the baristas in the front and the constant flow of regulars are all things that make this place home. I felt the love of the Nielsen's family more than ever today. There a few customers who are my favorites. I know, it's not nice to play favorites, but it's also not nice to lie and the truth is that there are two women who are two of the most lovely people I have ever met. Vi and Moya. Vi was a real life riveter in WWII and she comes in everyday for lunch. I don't know much about Moya's life, though rumor has it she's brilliant. Moya gets a loaf of sesame french bread every Saturday and she used to get two Danish to eat for breakfast. I learned today that she will now only get one Danish, as her husband has passed away.

Darcy told me the news before I opened and when Moya walked in, I ran to her and threw my arms around her. She kissed me on the cheek and it took her a long time to let go. I asked how she was doing and she said, "Better, now that I'm here." I'm surprised I didn't start crying my eyes out right there in the middle of the store. How many places can I work where such a close relationship is formed with a customer? They're not customers, they're friends. They're mentors. They're family and we look out for our family. Addison brought her a box of pastries the day we heard the news and we will continue to walk with her as she copes with her newfound grief.

Last week I told Paul that I'm excited to be old, but I don't want to be old anytime soon. He said that was good because we wouldn't make very good old people right now. "Why's that?" I asked. "Because we haven't lived enough," he said. We haven't had enough experiences to shape us. We haven't overcome immense trials...we haven't even finished college. There's still so much life to be lived before we can possibly pass words of wisdom onto the next generation. For now I will continue to accept the wonderful advice that these women bestow on me. Take life slow. Even though college is stressful, it's all worth it in the end. Live life to its fullest. Don't worry about the future, all things work out. Live in the present because there's no other time like it.

Oh Moya, you are such a dear. Just let us know what you need, the Nielsen's family is here for you. Pastries, hugs and a listening ear, we'll provide them all. We love you.

Surprises

A lot of things have jumped out at me this quarter that I never really expected. From group's study of Matthew to withdrawing my SPRINT application to having a guy sweep me off my feet, it is safe to say that things are much different than I thought they would be. There is frustration in the uncertainty, but I am also finding bits of bliss here and there. There is a certain beauty in the not knowing.

group has been a challenge for me this quarter. We haven't had many planning meetings and that has caused my heart to not be in it entirely. I found myself caught in the motions of going to practice, showing up on Wednesday and closing off my heart. I became super upset with myself because this was not the point of being on staff this year. I was here to grow and I was merely standing in the same place every week playing one whole note after another. Two weeks ago I looked at the words on the screen and everything changed for me:

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. The same love that rescued the earth lives in me.

What?! Why wouldn't I want to be a part of that? Singing those words over and over again, I began to believe them wholeheartedly and just like that, my heart was back in it. As a follower of Christ, I am in a unique position to shine His light in the world. I shine that light through joy. Tyler told me that he is dumbfounded by the joy I posses, even on Monday afternoons in Comparative Political Systems. I don't know where it comes from; I think Mondays are lame, just like everybody else, but somehow I am still smiling. Bob pointed out that I find the same amount of joy in small things and big things. My heart leapt just as much when I got a position on group staff as when I took a bite out of an exceptionally crisp apple. I don't know where this comes from either...it seems like there is no other answer than God. With God comes purpose and with purpose comes an incredible gratitude to be alive. My life is a gift and I will use that gift to bring life to others as best I can.

I thought that spreading the love of Christ would come in the form of a SPRINT (Seattle Pacific Reachout International) trip this summer to Rwanda or Uganda, yet I decided to pull my application at the last second. It was a long thought process, but I feel at peace about it. The short version is that I knew my first trip overseas needed to be a personal one. I didn't want to go with a group of SPU students, I wanted to go on a personal journey that possibly had a connection to Bethany. I am now in the process of trying to do a 5 week (+/-) internship with World Relief in Rwanda working on church partnership between Bethany and local churches there.

I will be graduated in 18 months and I don't know what I want to do after that. This trip will be an insight into what living life overseas might entail and if it's really something I want to do. I have come to the conclusion more and more lately that I can't make decisions until I've scoped them out myself. Don't know what Africa is really like? My only logical solution is to go there and see it for myself. Perhaps this is too bold and unnecessary, but I know that it has the great possibility to completely change my life. There is need there and I feel that God has opened a door into Rwanda and that He has also opened my heart to take a leap of faith in jumping on a plane that will take me to the opposite side of the globe.

Does the uncertainty scare me? I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that it terrifies me. But there are so many here who are supportive of what might lie ahead for me and this support is what gives me the courage and confidence to go. So thank you. Thank you so much. For loving me, for praying for me, for caring for me. It is your love that gets me through each day and I would be hopeless without it.

On Board the Nostalgia Train

Two years ago I had never been on a train. I think I have spent days of my life on trains since I hopped on board the Amtrak to Bellingham in August 2009. First, it was Seattle to Bellingham. Next it was Augsburg to Friedrichschaffen. Friedrichschaffen to Basel. Basel to Kempten. Kempten to Munich. Munich to Salzburg. Salzburg to Prague. Prague to Augsburg. 6 Months later: Munich to Augsburg. Augsburg to Salzburg. Salzburg to Schladming. Schladming to Salzburg. Salzburg to Munich. Munich to Augsburg. And now here I am, Seattle to Portland.

Though it's no train along the Rhine, through the Alps or across the Danube, it still carries me away. When I sit on a train, I often have grand intentions of accomplishing something, but this is never the case. Novels aren't read, homework is never even started and knitting projects bore me quite quickly. I often end up staring out the window with beautiful music streaming through my headphones.

My mind begins to wander sometimes to the past and sometimes to places still unknown. As the sun begins to dip into the edge of the sky, my heart is at peace. I see images on this Northwest train right now that make me feel like I am on my way to visit Kristi in Kandern. The silhouettes of birds flying across a dusky sky framed by bare winter branches are a beautiful picture that can be seen anywhere in this expansive yet miniscule world.

Trains have most often been a place of solitude for me and I enjoy that. It is quite possible in fact that when I am rocking back and forth ever so gently as a train chugs along, my heart is most at peace. Planes are full of people in a hurry and often full of stress, sometimes fear even. Cars require responsibility and concentration. But trains...trains are a place to sit down and take life a little bit slower. They are a place to contemplate and imagine. They make me feel so free. As much as I wish this train would magically end up in Basel with my sister waiting at the opposite end, I'm quite happy to simply be her in car #9, seat 15. The homework will remain untouched and my soul will continue to be refreshed. I will soon be greeted by six beautiful women at the train station for a fabulous long weekend and, thanks to the train, it is already off to a very good start.