Out for Summer

Hello friends,

For those of you who don't have my other blog address, here it is: www.hollydahlstrom.wordpress.com.

I am currently in Rwanda and will be using that site for my Rwandan adventures. This blog (the one you are currently on) is about my life, mostly school, but my life IS Rwanda right now, so there's not much else to be posted here. I'll be back in September!

Love,

Holly

And in the blink of an eye we say good night and we say good bye.

I'm not entirely sure where this year went. Parts of it went to the lower gym classroom on Tuesday nights when group would practice. Bits and pieces were spent in various classrooms from Demaray to Bertona, learning about economics and history and many things in between. Some of it can be traced to late night adventures to frozen yogurt, hot chocolate and Kerry Park. Thursday nights in Ben and Kevin's basement, earplugs in and creativity flowing. Saturdays at Nielsen's with one of my dearest friends. Sundays consumed by waffles, Bethany, house dinners and small group. Long and beautiful Wednesdays in Upper Gwinn. My secret free Friday nights where I did anything my heart desired. Long evenings spent in deep conversation with friends. Questions of calling. Laughing at bad jokes. Bedtime stories. Dancing while brushing our teeth.

This was my year.

Perhaps when I've had more than a moment to reflect on this year I will have more to say. For now let me simply say that this has been one of the craziest, most difficult, yet somehow quite beautiful, years of my life.

Beautiful People

Has it ever been easy to say goodbye? It seems doubtful to me. Last night was the last group service of the 2010-2011 school year and, though I will be doing it all again next year, there is something so very bittersweet about the fact that this group is coming to an end. Being on group staff requires a time commitment of about 15 hours a week. In those fifteen hours, we learn about each others' lives, study scripture, discuss theology, make music, set up the stage, wrap up the chords, tear down the stage, load up the van, unload the van and take a break for four days before we do it all again. Through frustration, joy, laughter and tears, we become a very tight-knit family. I remember at the last group service of 2010 wondering how it could possibly get better. How could a group of people ever be closer than we were? Yet somehow we were closer. I have made some of my best friends on this staff over the past two years. So, though this chapter is closing in many of these staff member's lives, it will be a joy to see how we might remain in each other's lives in years to come. Whether living together, going to each other's weddings or playing in a band together, we will continue to play a role in the story to come.

It's the little things that have meant the world this year. The small moments and words of encouragement that have given me the strength to move forward. Late nights at Wendy's, campfires and holiday crafts. Stepping back into childhood for brief moments in time as our fingers are stained by egg dye or earnestly discussing our fear of the uncertainty that lies before us as we stare into the sparkling flames. These are the moments that I will remember. Yes, I will remember the services, too, but not in the same way. The hour between 5 and 6 on Wednesday has been my favorite time of the week this year. Right in the middle of the week it was a time to rest and bask in the beauty that is this family. I will continue to remember distinctly the way I would drift in and out of thought as I would be lulled into a state of calm by Sigur Ros and the gentle laughter of my staff.

I don't really know how I'm going to be able to follow this act, but I'm certainly going to try. Brian led us this year with such confidence and eloquence, with such a strong desire simply to learn. He is humble and he is brilliant...why has he entrusted such a position to me? I thank him for the way he has poured his heart into group staff this year. I have no doubt it was his devotion that made us as close as we are now. It was his confidence in me that gave me confidence in myself to be coordinator next year. He has assured me that my life will not be the same and that I will learn more in the next year than I ever thought possible. I have no doubt that he is right.

I'm excited beyond words to work with Bob even more next year. I already spend a majority of my free hours on campus lurking in his office, but I might as well do that a little more next year. Bob is brilliant and I respect him so much. There is a certain amount of dedication that he has towards group staff that some find insane. I find it beautiful because he successfully breaks down any barriers that exist when we give him the title "advisor." He is a friend. A very dear friend (who happens to know everything there is to know and more about group).

I don't think that I have any more words that I can put to this exceptional life at the present moment. Thank you group staff, for yet another wonderful year. I love you all and I look forward to the adventures ahead.

Three Lives

I've been living three distinct lives as of late. All of them have been most excellent, but I have been trying to separate them when they really ought to be flowing together. Here are my lives:

Life #1: School

If you know me at all, you know it's never been my favorite thing. The papers, the exams, the reading, the quizzes...it's too much for me. I get worn out and discouraged, I almost always fail multiple choice tests and my scatter-brained mind doesn't know what to do when I have more than fifty pages of reading at one time. The lectures, though, I love the lectures. I love LEARNING, I just don't like the fact that I am forced to do homework and get graded on it. So here I am, week 9, and wondering, "How have I even made it this far?" I have read three textbooks cover to cover. I have written a twelve page research paper. I have struggled my way through philosophy. I have memorized the countries and capitals of the world for the third time (I must admit, I will miss my geo-quizzes). Yet, as I reviewed for my final tonight I realized how amazing it is to be in school. I am in school because I want to learn more about the things that have sparked my interest. I want to be an informed citizen of this country and steward of this world. I want to be able to get a job doing what I love when I graduate from college. Call me crazy, but the 9-5 life doesn't sound so bad to me as long as I'm working for the greater good. But that's a long way off...right now I've just got to make it through the next two weeks.

Life #2: Rwanda

Are you aware that I'm getting on a plane on June 16th and flying to Kigali? You can read more about that journey here (www.hollydahlstrom.wordpress.com), but let me just tell you why it has been consuming my life. Not only am I trying to raise a huge amount of prayer and financial support, I am also so completely distracted right now. The more I learn about Rwanda and the closer I get to it, the harder it is to be present right where I am. I want to go meet the people that I am told I will meet. I want to see where I will be living. I want to meet the World Relief program director. I want to smell the supposedly smelly city. I want to feel the warmth of the new climate. My heart is having trouble staying in Seattle at present because I am anxious to do this. All that I have been learning is about to be put into action for the first time and I am beyond excited.

Life #3: group

Yes, it has been consuming, but I absolutely love it. A couple weeks ago, every spare minute I had was spent conducting an interview. Then there were auditions. Then there was the absolutely grueling process of choosing my staff for next year and that sick feeling in my stomach after we told so many people "no." Then there came Saturday. Normally "leadership kick off" is an event that I scoff at, but I felt that I needed to get over that if I am the coordinator. Yes, LEADERSHIP KICK OFF! It was actually one of the greatest days of the quarter. We volunteered at a place called the Nature Consortium and pulled invasive blackberry plants to preserve a forest in the city. A few hours later, after a couple ridiculous conversations and dozens of root balls pulled from the ground, I was surrounded by new friends. I cannot express to you how excited I am for this unexpected opportunity in my life. It will be challenging and tiring, but the hours spent with this new group of friends will be beautiful, I can already tell. I am also very much invested in this year's staff, though, and my heart aches when I try to imagine next year without them. Braden won't sneak up behind me and grab me by the shoulders every day. I won't hear the phrase "Holy smokes!" nearly enough times. I won't be lulled into a very peaceful state every time Aly's fingers touch the keys of the piano. I won't have those three minute rides to practice that serve as a time to catch up on life. Things will be different next year, but for now I must immerse myself in the beauty that is this year.

Three lives, but slowly they are all coming together. School is preparing me for Rwanda. Rwanda will teach me so much. I will be able to bring lessons back from Rwanda and bring aspects of a new culture into group. And group will once again change my life.

Missing You

No one laughs at God in a hospital.

No one laughs at God in a war.

No one's laughing at God

When they've lost all they've got

And they don't know what for.

No one laughs at God

On the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see

Is a pair of hateful eyes.

No one's laughing at God

When they're saying their goodbyes.

(Regina Spektor, "Laughing With")

Five years ago she jumped and the world stopped. We all closed our eyes, took a deep breath and desperately hoped the nightmare would be over the second we opened our eyes again. When we finally had the courage to open our eyes all we saw was reality staring us in the face: she was gone. When I stare out my window every night at the Aurora Bridge I see a beautiful sight, but there is also fear. When I see lights flashing I pray to God that no one else has jumped. Please God, don't let anyone else feel the pain that so many have felt due to this sort of a death.

On May 6 of each year, I am reminded that life is fragile. I have a friend at a memorial service this weekend for his dear friend who died three years ago. She was young. Why is there death of the young? Whether by accident or a moment of hopelessness, the death of someone so young is unfair. Talking about it with friends who have faced similar things, we all notice the same thing. Good things do come of situations like this.

But is it really worth it?

Is it really worth the loss of life for a group of stupid 16 year olds to realize that we ought to be nicer to one another? I struggle with this logic, yet it seems the only explanation. It seems that we are all moving too fast. We are so caught up in our own worlds that the only way the world can get our attention is by yelling at us. My hope for my life is that I will learn how to stop. Look at the stars. Listen to my roommate. Walk to the store. Go out of my way. The world is too big to face alone...hold onto the love you have and never let go...not for anything in or out of this world.

Moments

Life is made up of moments. Some of them last only a second yet those are so often the most significant. A single tear that rolls down my cheek. A burst of laughter as loud as a big dog's bark. A touch of the hand. A scratch of the back. Eyes that meet. Warmth of the heart. The coldness of fear. There are feelings wrapped up in the midst of the everyday. There is more to life than the schedule that is kept.

I hear two alarms go off before my own. I never open my eyes because that would make me enter reality sooner than I would like. But I think of them in these half asleep moments and pray that they have good days.

The alarm goes off at 7am and the sun is already awake. I pour the yogurt and granola in the ceramic bowl homemade by two very loving hands. I think of her in this moment every single morning.

I grab the lime green nano puff as I head out the door. It's never the color I would have chosen, but it was a gift from him and I have grown to adore it. Every time I walk out the door I think of him in this moment.

The keys on the hook hold a keychain from South Africa. It is a continent that seems so very different and far away, but the moment I hold the keys in my hand I am reminded that I will be there soon.

I walk past the door of Demaray 356 and remember a day before I actually attended SPU when I took the SATs in that room. It is in this moment I remember there was a time before college and I realize how much I have changed.

I see two ducks sitting outside the SUB. This is not where they normally reside, but perhaps they are here in this moment to remind me of her. She is very special to me and I love her so much.

OMH is a dreadful place, but there will forever be her voice saying "Otto Miller 127" in my head. I think of her every moment I walk through the dark drafty hall of Otto Miller.

These are just moments from the day to day. To get started on the specific moments that have been significant would mean this blog post would go on for eternity. Because life is made up of a thousand tiny moments, each holding their own significance and meaning. It is in these tiny moments that we feel, that we learn and that we remember. Moments are beautiful things and it is here in this moment that I realize how blessed I am that I can look back on my moments in fondness. Each moment leads to the next and each one has a purpose. Sometimes they are painful, but they are somehow beautiful at the same time. It's funny the way God works through our pain to bring beauty. He truly does make beautiful things out of the dust.

Without a Voice

I've never broken a bone, never needed to wear glasses and have always been able to hear and speak. Goodness, I didn't realize how easy I have it. My voice began to give out on Friday night and by Sunday afternoon, it was gone completely. It was brutal not to wish people a Happy Easter on Saturday at the bakery as I forced myself to do dishes in the back all day. Not being able to sing at church on Sunday was awful. I broke down when I came home from church because I was unable to talk to anyone. Not the boys in the soundbooth, not the worship team, not the people handing me a scone. The adorable old couple next to me probably thought I was just an unfriendly college student who is afraid of senior citizens. None of these things are true. You are all so great! And I want to talk to you...but I can't. My voice is gone.

How selfish I feel when this is a huge problem in my life. Not being able to speak for two days...it could be worse. I could be this way for the rest of my life. I could have never spoken a word since the day I was born. I can handle a few days of this, but it is very irritating. There is now a constant fear of being misunderstood. No, I'm not telling secrets or passing notes under the professor's nose. I'm not ridiculously shy and I have plenty of things I want to say in class. What a blessing it is to speak. How important it is to watch what we say. I realize now how loud I really am--always yelling to my friends across campus and asking questions in class. I realize the power that words can hold, both good and bad. Perhaps silence is good for a time, but the return of my voice would be much appreciated in the next few days.

I have things to say. There are so many things I want to know that I was unable to ask today.

In UCOR (philosophy): If a sinner is one who openly rejects God, is the ultimate punishment really eternal separation from God? If they didn't want to be separated from God, they wouldn't have so blatantly rejected Him in the first place. Or would they?

In Political and Economic Development of Nations: How long does it take a barge to get from China to the United States? If they really tip over as often as you say they do, does that mean there's a whole lot of junk just sitting at the bottom of the Pacific? Are environmentalists concerned with that?

In History of Africa: If Europeans had never landed on African soil and the different chiefdoms continued to exist as they had always done, would Africa be considered impoverished the way it is today? They were not dissatisfied with their way of living...is it simply comparison to the West that made them realize they were not living life to its "greatest" standard?

In planning meeting: Too many questions...justice, evil, judgement, mercy, grace, hope...how do they all fit together?

Well, those are the thoughts that are running through my head and now you, the wonderful ten people who read my blog, are the only ones who know what is going on in my mind right now. Lucky you!

group

I remember the first time I heard the story of how my dad ended up becoming the pastor at Bethany Community Church. He had set some pretty high standards for God to meet and when God went above and beyond (a unanimous vote by the congregation to make him the senior pastor), there was no turning back. A similar thing happened to me last week. I'm on group staff, as you probably know. If you don't know, group is a weekly worship service at SPU and I am one of the 13 staff members. Over the last three years, group has played a huge role in my life and today marks another important day in my relationship to group. Here is the story of me and group:

Freshman year: I remember going to group the first week of school with the girls from my floor. I was excited to see Upper Gwinn transformed into a haven where worship took a whole new form. For the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable taking my shoes off in a worship service, sitting and standing as I desired and looking at art that students had created. group gave worship a new meaning to me. It wasn't just singing songs, it wasn't a church service, it wasn't a sermon. It was a strange hybrid of these elements, but more than anything it was a place where I was challenged to think more deeply about the words that I was singing. The lyrics of the songs fit so perfectly together with the scripture that we were studying. Then we began to sing that song that quite literally changed my life:

We must go. Live to feed the hungry. Stand beside the broken. We must go. Stepping forward. Keep us from just singing. Move us into action. We must go.

It was week after week of singing this song that made me realize a theatre major was not for me and there was a better fit. I let go of that plan and then asked God to give me a new plan. This leap of faith was not one that I was familiar with taking and I realized that this was a turning point for me. When I applied to be a student ministry coordinator and didn't get it, applying for group staff began to look like a very appealing option. I loved attending every week and I felt like I owed it to group to be a part of it the next year.

Sophomore year: The year began with an exhausting leadership retreat and I quickly began to doubt my decision to be on group staff. I decided to be on the staff of the service that was my place of worship, so where was I to find my place of worship? My heart was very uneasy and I was mad at God for the first time in a while. Something that felt like the perfect call was all of a sudden feeling very wrong and I was frustrated. But after one Wednesday in a pile of tears, everything began to get better. After a second leadership retreat, I realized that providing a place of worship for 300 students every week was a big deal and I felt blessed to be a part of it. In the words of my dear friend Stephanie:

God touches us with His love so that we might touch others with His love.

Freshman year had been a year of being filled with Christ and sophomore was my chance to pour it all out. An agonizing decision came into my life at the beginning of spring quarter: to be on staff again or not to be on staff again? The choice was basically mine and as soon as I said "no way," my heart was uneasy and I cried my eyes out when I realized my schedule would conflict with group. I went into my interview and laid out several scheduling conflicts before them and said I desperately wanted to be on staff. They took me and the conflicts worked themselves out.

Junior year: A (once again) reluctant heart headed out to leadership conference, but after about one second with this staff, I was overjoyed. This year has been excellent on several levels, but I have been participating with staff as though this was it...no more group after this year. Until about ten days ago. My one condition was this: I would not even consider applying for group unless Bob personally asked me to be the coordinator. The condition was far fetched and I thought there was about a 5% chance of it actually happening. I opened my email last Wednesday and there was a one line email from Bob:

Hmmm...has Holly ever considered applying for coordinator?

God, you've got to be kidding me, I said to myself as I remembered my one condition. I told Bob that I couldn't do it because I had no time. A cop out answer for sure. I quietly went into his office the next day and asked him to print off an application and told him that it didn't mean anything. Then I gave my references their forms to fill out. When I couldn't sleep that night, the answers to the questions on the application were racing through my mind so I filled out the application and turned it in the next morning. When Bob told me on Tuesday that nobody else applied for the position I said, "Okay God. You win." I went to my interview this morning and got the call offering me the position this afternoon. I smiled a big smile as I said, "Yes, I would love to accept."

Senior year: Shoot, there's no knowing what next year will look like. There is the potential of an entirely new staff. There are some crazy books of the Bible to study. There are hours and hours of very hard work. There are many afternoons in Bob's office. What I am certain of: this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

So there you have it. Holly Dahlstrom: group Staff Coordinator. Those are some words I never thought I'd say, but I must say, I'm glad to say them now.

Spurts of Thought

I have been getting some complaints (rightfully so) about the lack of blogging in the last six weeks. Let me say this: I've tried, but the final product is me having a thousand thoughts and you have nothing to read. That's not fair for you, so let me share with you the three that I started and never quite finished. Then I'll write a complete post for you--just for you--about my thoughts of this quarter to date.

3/30/11

One week ago, I was sitting in the window of a coffee shop reading A Severe Mercy as the sun poured over me. I was in a state of utter relaxation without a care in the world. I wasn't thinking about what was in the past. I wasn't pondering what lies ahead. I was just soaking in the beauty of the present. Yet here I sit, one week later: TERRIFIED. I stressed myself out the day before classes started and I have begun the quarter in an uneasy state of mind. Lord, help me. Help me to find the peace that was so prominent in my heart exactly one week ago. Take me back to the sunny table of the cafe where there was nothing but You, me and my book.

4/5/11

I can't believe I haven't written in a month. Okay, I can believe it, but that doesn't mean I'm proud of it. There were plenty of moments over spring break that I found myself in sunny windows, soaking in the joy of life and never wrote a word. I felt inspired then. Inspired by warmth that touched my skin and my soul. I was inspired by a head no longer studying political systems and reading A Severe Mercy just for fun. There was an early morning coffee with G.M. Roe to discuss development issues in our world. There was an interview with World Relief. Then, after about a week, it was just me and my thoughts for a little too long.

4/17/11

I know, it has been far too long since I have written anything on my blog. Sometimes time fills up, other times there is so much to say I am too overwhelmed to say anything at all, but the truth of the last month is that I just haven't known what to say. A lot has happened between Spring Break and now. I have learned much about myself, I have begun to look at the future, school has become something I deeply care about and life is beginning to take a very different shape than I ever thought it would. Between God's call and my stubborn self, it would only be a matter of time before I gave in to what He had planned for me.

You see? Blogging is no simple feat, especially when so much happens and cascades all over you at the same time. I'll give it a go, just one more try to explain all that has happened in my life since the sunny day in the cafe during Spring Break.

What Makes Me Me?

I arrived at home after class yesterday and realized that for the first time in...a long time, I had nothing pressing to do. My Christology paper was turned in, my reading review for Dr. Ediger was completed and I didn't have an assignment for Dr. Stiling's class yet. I didn't know what to do. I was struck by the fact that I was standing in my living room and I had nothing that I had to do. Sure, I could actually do my UFDN reading or I could start on next weeks reading review OR I could not do those things and I could catch my breath. I stood paralyzed in my bedroom deciding what to do with the two hours of free time staring me in the face and decided after a few minutes that it was time to leave Queen Anne. I hopped in the car and headed to the Trader Joe's in Ballard to do my grocery shopping (because Queen Anne stopped carrying my favorite mango chicken sausages) and then I would buy delicious, quality, affordable produce from Top Banana. After the errands, I drove as far West as 65th would take me and I arrived at Sunset Park. I pulled out my hazelnut Ritter Sport and savored the bites as I stared at the sky.

It was one of those afternoons where the beams of sunlight burst through the clouds as though God himself is shining down on earth. As I pondered the beauty of God, I remembered seeing similar beauty last summer from the window of my room in Schladming. It's been 8 months since I left for Austria and I have been wondering how exactly that time has changed me. God knows I'm not the same now as I was before I left and I'm definitely not the same now as before I came to college. It made me wonder: what are the things that have shaped me into who I am right now? Here are my top ten:

1. My Parents who have a profoundly deep love for one another that is the most beautiful love I have ever seen. They inspire me to find such love of my own and also make me worried that such love could never exist in anyone else.

2. Noah and Kristi who loved me, even when I was a pest. After they got beyond the mullets and baggy T-shirts, they taught me to be cool. From music to books to wine, they have taught me what is fantastic and what to avoid.

3. Bethany Community Church embraced me the day the Dahlstroms came to Seattle. I am blessed to have a church family that still knows me, loves me and supports me, even 15 years after I arrived.

4. My Grandparents who have overcome immense difficulties in their lives and have lived through several wars. From Pearl Harbor to the battle over which city to live in, they have managed to still love. Through the death of loved ones, they have managed to see life. Through the despair of the world, they have managed to find hope.

5. Upward Bound: Five weeks in Austria where my eyes were truly opened to the God of all creation and where I was enveloped by his love. It was an experience where my soul overflowed and where I found myself to be most true.

6. Violin Lessons which provided an excellent relationship with a teacher who became more of a mentor. Playing the violin is what led me to some of my closest relationships and greatest accomplishments in high school. In college, it brought me into Friends & Family which is like being in a band full of big brothers who will look out for me and pester me until the day I die.

7. Adelaide was the role I never got to play. How silly that a name on a cast list would make such an impact on my life, but had it not been for this disappointment, I never would have learned to let go of the life that I held onto so tight and I never would have changed my major to Global Development.

8. Fourth Hill of 08-09 was the community that showed me the immense love of Christ and the powerful joy found in relationships.

9. group reminded me week after week that I am called to spread the love of Christ in the world, that I cannot live this life on my own and that stepping into God's story is the greatest decision I can ever make. It led me not only to a change of major, but also a huge change of heart. Being on staff for two years has been one of the greatest challenges and greatest blessings in my life and I am honored that I am able to be a part of a service that is so dear to me.

10. HOPE. How did I not see the immensity of the hope we find in Christ? When I finally found it, life turned into a new direction. It has given me the courage to open my hands to the Lord and give Him my life fully and use me how He may.

Oh God, how I thank you for giving me this beautiful life. I thank you for the experiences that shape us. I thank you for the pain in the suffering that brings us new life. I thank you for the sunrises, the melodies and the relationships. I thank you for making me who I am. I thank you for making me me.

Homework Time

As the sun shines outside this bustling tea shop, I ache to be in it. I want to buy cookies from the girl scout across the street. I want to wander down the brick avenue towards the fresh fruit stands at the farmers market. Yet here I sit, Yann Tiersen fighting the rock music over the loud speakers, writing a paper that is due in a few short hours. Spring Break is soon, but these next ten days will be hard. Good luck me...

The Nielsen's Family

Have I ever told you about the bakery? It's a charming little shop located in lower Queen Anne and I've been working there for the last year and a half. Going to work has never felt like a burden because I know that what waits inside is simply a joyful experience. The pastries in the case, the bakers in the back, the baristas in the front and the constant flow of regulars are all things that make this place home. I felt the love of the Nielsen's family more than ever today. There a few customers who are my favorites. I know, it's not nice to play favorites, but it's also not nice to lie and the truth is that there are two women who are two of the most lovely people I have ever met. Vi and Moya. Vi was a real life riveter in WWII and she comes in everyday for lunch. I don't know much about Moya's life, though rumor has it she's brilliant. Moya gets a loaf of sesame french bread every Saturday and she used to get two Danish to eat for breakfast. I learned today that she will now only get one Danish, as her husband has passed away.

Darcy told me the news before I opened and when Moya walked in, I ran to her and threw my arms around her. She kissed me on the cheek and it took her a long time to let go. I asked how she was doing and she said, "Better, now that I'm here." I'm surprised I didn't start crying my eyes out right there in the middle of the store. How many places can I work where such a close relationship is formed with a customer? They're not customers, they're friends. They're mentors. They're family and we look out for our family. Addison brought her a box of pastries the day we heard the news and we will continue to walk with her as she copes with her newfound grief.

Last week I told Paul that I'm excited to be old, but I don't want to be old anytime soon. He said that was good because we wouldn't make very good old people right now. "Why's that?" I asked. "Because we haven't lived enough," he said. We haven't had enough experiences to shape us. We haven't overcome immense trials...we haven't even finished college. There's still so much life to be lived before we can possibly pass words of wisdom onto the next generation. For now I will continue to accept the wonderful advice that these women bestow on me. Take life slow. Even though college is stressful, it's all worth it in the end. Live life to its fullest. Don't worry about the future, all things work out. Live in the present because there's no other time like it.

Oh Moya, you are such a dear. Just let us know what you need, the Nielsen's family is here for you. Pastries, hugs and a listening ear, we'll provide them all. We love you.

Surprises

A lot of things have jumped out at me this quarter that I never really expected. From group's study of Matthew to withdrawing my SPRINT application to having a guy sweep me off my feet, it is safe to say that things are much different than I thought they would be. There is frustration in the uncertainty, but I am also finding bits of bliss here and there. There is a certain beauty in the not knowing.

group has been a challenge for me this quarter. We haven't had many planning meetings and that has caused my heart to not be in it entirely. I found myself caught in the motions of going to practice, showing up on Wednesday and closing off my heart. I became super upset with myself because this was not the point of being on staff this year. I was here to grow and I was merely standing in the same place every week playing one whole note after another. Two weeks ago I looked at the words on the screen and everything changed for me:

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. The same love that rescued the earth lives in me.

What?! Why wouldn't I want to be a part of that? Singing those words over and over again, I began to believe them wholeheartedly and just like that, my heart was back in it. As a follower of Christ, I am in a unique position to shine His light in the world. I shine that light through joy. Tyler told me that he is dumbfounded by the joy I posses, even on Monday afternoons in Comparative Political Systems. I don't know where it comes from; I think Mondays are lame, just like everybody else, but somehow I am still smiling. Bob pointed out that I find the same amount of joy in small things and big things. My heart leapt just as much when I got a position on group staff as when I took a bite out of an exceptionally crisp apple. I don't know where this comes from either...it seems like there is no other answer than God. With God comes purpose and with purpose comes an incredible gratitude to be alive. My life is a gift and I will use that gift to bring life to others as best I can.

I thought that spreading the love of Christ would come in the form of a SPRINT (Seattle Pacific Reachout International) trip this summer to Rwanda or Uganda, yet I decided to pull my application at the last second. It was a long thought process, but I feel at peace about it. The short version is that I knew my first trip overseas needed to be a personal one. I didn't want to go with a group of SPU students, I wanted to go on a personal journey that possibly had a connection to Bethany. I am now in the process of trying to do a 5 week (+/-) internship with World Relief in Rwanda working on church partnership between Bethany and local churches there.

I will be graduated in 18 months and I don't know what I want to do after that. This trip will be an insight into what living life overseas might entail and if it's really something I want to do. I have come to the conclusion more and more lately that I can't make decisions until I've scoped them out myself. Don't know what Africa is really like? My only logical solution is to go there and see it for myself. Perhaps this is too bold and unnecessary, but I know that it has the great possibility to completely change my life. There is need there and I feel that God has opened a door into Rwanda and that He has also opened my heart to take a leap of faith in jumping on a plane that will take me to the opposite side of the globe.

Does the uncertainty scare me? I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that it terrifies me. But there are so many here who are supportive of what might lie ahead for me and this support is what gives me the courage and confidence to go. So thank you. Thank you so much. For loving me, for praying for me, for caring for me. It is your love that gets me through each day and I would be hopeless without it.

On Board the Nostalgia Train

Two years ago I had never been on a train. I think I have spent days of my life on trains since I hopped on board the Amtrak to Bellingham in August 2009. First, it was Seattle to Bellingham. Next it was Augsburg to Friedrichschaffen. Friedrichschaffen to Basel. Basel to Kempten. Kempten to Munich. Munich to Salzburg. Salzburg to Prague. Prague to Augsburg. 6 Months later: Munich to Augsburg. Augsburg to Salzburg. Salzburg to Schladming. Schladming to Salzburg. Salzburg to Munich. Munich to Augsburg. And now here I am, Seattle to Portland.

Though it's no train along the Rhine, through the Alps or across the Danube, it still carries me away. When I sit on a train, I often have grand intentions of accomplishing something, but this is never the case. Novels aren't read, homework is never even started and knitting projects bore me quite quickly. I often end up staring out the window with beautiful music streaming through my headphones.

My mind begins to wander sometimes to the past and sometimes to places still unknown. As the sun begins to dip into the edge of the sky, my heart is at peace. I see images on this Northwest train right now that make me feel like I am on my way to visit Kristi in Kandern. The silhouettes of birds flying across a dusky sky framed by bare winter branches are a beautiful picture that can be seen anywhere in this expansive yet miniscule world.

Trains have most often been a place of solitude for me and I enjoy that. It is quite possible in fact that when I am rocking back and forth ever so gently as a train chugs along, my heart is most at peace. Planes are full of people in a hurry and often full of stress, sometimes fear even. Cars require responsibility and concentration. But trains...trains are a place to sit down and take life a little bit slower. They are a place to contemplate and imagine. They make me feel so free. As much as I wish this train would magically end up in Basel with my sister waiting at the opposite end, I'm quite happy to simply be her in car #9, seat 15. The homework will remain untouched and my soul will continue to be refreshed. I will soon be greeted by six beautiful women at the train station for a fabulous long weekend and, thanks to the train, it is already off to a very good start.

Dalmation Pancakes

A great man once occupied the chair that I am presently sitting in. The brightly colored blanket covering it always meant that this was Grandpa's chair, as opposed to the more neutrally toned blanket covering the chair it sat next to. I am in Bend, OR right now and memories always fly back when I am in this place. Not necessarily Bend, but the place where my Grandma Ruth resides. Whether our property in the North Cascades, the TTN campsites, Coarsegold or here, I always feel like I am in the same place. The eagle in the window, the giant stuffed chipmunk, the dishes and the warmth always make this place feel like home. I awoke to see Grandma sitting in her chair, waiting for me to wake up and eat breakfast with her. "What would you like for breakfast?" she asks. She knows she doesn't need to ask...Norwegian pancakes it is.

When one of the pancakes was put onto my plate, I looked at it and felt like a kid again. It was a pancake that had lots of spots on it that are just a bit more cooked than the rest of the pancake; I always called them dalmation pancakes because they reminded me of my favorite movie, 101 Dalmations. I took a bite of the pancake and I was back in the trailer, watching the birds outside as CNN played in the background. I miss that time of life when cares were few and days were long. Now I am here because I am going to a conference about social justice and the church, trying to figure out what the next step is for my life. I'm not here for arts and crafts time with Grandma, but I am so glad I am with her. When life becomes full at school, it is really nice to be able to run away from Seattle for a few days and relax. I am now realizing that this is one of the quietest places I've been in a long time.

I understand why Grandpa liked to watch the birds. They're beautiful, they're quiet and they are mesmerizing. I watch them fly and land on the tree and then watch them fly away over and over again and my heart feels so much peace. It's the same thing that happens when I look at the stars. When I stare out at the sky in the middle of the night, my heart is at peace. I look at the creation and I think of our Creator and how all of these things-the birds, the stars, the world-are part of a brilliant plan. Day by day, we fly around and land on different branches: different circumstances, different decisions, different plans. At the end of the day, we rest and we stare at the infinite expanse beyond.

Right now, I am staring at the vast expanse in front of me. There is not much to see and many plans have yet to be made, but I am at peace. I know that each day God will dot my sky with yet another star so that eventually I will be looking at a brilliant sky. For now, I go about living each day with the certainty in my heart that there is indeed a plan, I'm just not sure what it is yet. And that's half the adventure, isn't it?

Wednesday

I remember Wednesdays quite distinctly. Two years ago, I remember sitting on the floor of Upper Gwinn, right in front of the beautiful Aly, and feeling terrified, but somehow free. I stared at the carpet watching the pattern stretch out all over a room that on any other day is nothing more than a place to hear a lecture or eat a meal. On Wednesday nights, though, it is a sanctuary. Perhaps I looked like I was spacing out as I stared at the carpet, but the reality is that I was grappling with the fact that I wasn't going to live the life I thought I would be living. The fact is that on that particular Wednesday night, my dreams of being on stage were tossed out the window for something bigger.

For some, the dreams of the stage are perfect. More than perfect, really. They have gumption and they have courage. They can handle being told "no" audition after audition and they still have the strength to try again. I couldn't do it. When we asked Candace in Acting I how she knew she wanted to be an actress. She said that she knew when she didn't have to think about it. People asked if she wanted to act and she said yes. No hesitation, just a single focus on the one thing she really wanted to. I hesitated for months until finally one night at group, God asked if I wanted to act and I said no. It was no longer a question...the answer was no.

Freedom.

The whole world was waiting for me and I had to get beyond my own dreams to see it. Now, I am looking forward to days of summer which could be spent anywhere. Rwanda, Germany or Federal Way...wherever God calls. That's what I keep telling myself and they are also the words that are hopefully getting across to people on Wednesday nights as we go through the book of Matthew.

There are clear calls that we receive in Matthew, but it is up to us to follow them. I followed a call two years ago and now I stand up front and help others to hear that same call. GO. Whether we go upstairs, next door, across the state or across the world, we are being called to take a step forward. What a blessing it has been to be on the other side of the worship service. We often sing a song that has some of my favorite lyrics: I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow. These are the lyrics that have been my life for the past two and a half years. There are days that I feel like I am overflowing and then there are days that I am bone dry. I need all of these days and God has been providing them without hesitation. I am thankful everyday I wake up because I know that God is letting me live a full life. A life of love, of joy, of adventure and of hope.

Don't Be So Specific

A man came into the bakery on Saturday and asked, "Been busy today?"

"No," I replied, "it's actually been incredibly slow."

"Aah, all those New Year's Resolutions, right?"

"Probably, but just give it time. They'll be back. They always come back."

New Year's Resolutions are never something I've been particularly good at. I'll do them straight for a month, screw up one day and then never do them again. So, this year I've decided that I need not be so particular. I can set general resolutions and follow them as best I can. What more can be expected of me than the best I can do? So, here we go:

1. Stay hydrated...because Ben Rowe and I have decided that dehydration is the root of all evil. I will drink a nalgene bottle a day...that's 32 oz. a day.

2. Read the Bible consistently...did you know that there's enough chapters in Proverbs to read one every day of the month? By the end of the year, I will read Proverbs 12 times.

3. Run...I once hated to run. Then I didn't. Then I did. Now I must get back into the trend of running. Three times a week is my goal, but I won't quit entirely if I forget to run one time.

4. Become a morning person...I've already started to do this, but I hope to continue to enjoy the beauty of the morning, no matter how late the night before goes. I wake up, turn on my lamp by my bed and open Rilke's Book of Hours where the poetry makes my soul at ease.

5. Be wholehearted...As Rilke said, "I live my life in widening circles across the world...I circle around God, the primordial tower." In all that I do, whether playing music in Friends & Family, studying geography, eating dinner with my housemates or preparing for group, I must unite all these aspects of my life with Christ.

I realize I should have written this blog three weeks ago, but things have been busy. Perhaps something else I must make a solid attempt at is writing on this blog once a week. For some of you who don't see me every day (and perhaps some who do), it is a window into my heart. These are often the thoughts in my mind that are not easily expressed vocally. There is something about the keys on this keyboard that help the words flow. So, there's a last resolution: to share more with you. My ten devoted readers, how I appreciate your patience.

New Year's Eve

I remembr that exactly one year ago I had just landed after Christmas in Europe and I was lying on the couch by myself watching old episodes of Glee. I am in a very different state this New Year's Eve of 2010. I am surrounded by my parents and their friends. I am HOME.

There's never been fear in my heart of God calling me to go somewhere far away. It's not because I'm brave or because I'm desperate to leave this place, but I feel confident enough to leave because I know I'll always have this place to return to. Perhaps not these same walls or the same trees growing outside, but the stories and lives will always be here. These eight people-my own parents and the parent s of some of my dearest friends-have been the greatest influence on my life. From feeding me many pounds of beef to picking me up from school to attending ever play I was in, they've always been there for me. How they've managed to raise their own children and also a small part of me, I'll never know. They are phenomenal and it has been an absolute pleasure to share this New Year's Eve with them. I thank the Lord for bringing all of our lives together and I pray that it will stay that way for many years to come.