It Began Before It Was Over

I woke up on Sunday morning disoriented.  I wasn't in my room at home surrounded by all the usual comforts I have come to know so well.  Instead, I was surrounded by partially unpacked boxes, cluttered surfaces and those heavenly XL twin jersey sheets.  How did I get here? How did summer end so fast and is school really starting in 8 days?  At times this summer, it felt as though it would never end, that I would never see my friends ever again and that the much anticipated 09-10 school year would never come, but now that it's here, I feel overwhelmed.  Round two is a whole different feeling than round one.  Last year, my boxes were packed a week before I needed to move.  I was ready to go to school and move onto something new.  This year, though, after a hastened trip to Disneyland, I packed in one day and moved the next.  I haven't had a moment to stop and realize that it's all starting over again, even though it feels like last year just ended.  

Saturday night, a group of old friends sat in my room as I unpacked and we talked for hours.  These were friends who a year ago, I didn't know existed and now they were sitting in my room having theological discussions.  It was a sign of growth.  Growth in my own life, but growth in all our lives as a whole.  Sophomore year will be something entirely new for all of us in different ways.  For me, it's a new major, a new roommate, a new appreciation and dedication to music.  For others, it's a new floor, a new position or a new school.  The point is, we're all in the same boat: Freshmen, sophomores, students, faculty...it doesn't matter.  We're all facing a new year, a new set of challenges and a new dynamic across the campus.  Do I fear this?  Yes, I'm terrified, but I am so excited to see where this year will take me and those around me.

I spent the weekend at a leadership conference with all the student leaders for this year.  I didn't realize that being on a worship team considered me to be an official "student leader" with roles and responsibility to the campus.  When I figured this out, my heart leapt a little, realizing that God has called me to something significantly bigger than I had assumed.  And when approached with the question "Why am I here?" I had to think about it for a long time.  I am on group staff because I wanted to be an SMC and didn't get it, so I had to choose the next best thing.  I thought to myself "what a dumb reason" but then found out it wasn't just me.  And then I realized that group isn't "the next best thing," it's a perfect fit.  

I am on group staff to lead worship and to grow.  To grow in my relationship with Christ and to deepen the relationships with the people around me.  Part of me is very sad that I won't be close to every single girl on my floor this year, but that is the reality of the matter and I'm starting to grasp it.  The girls will still know me and I will still know them, but it just won't be the same creation of deep relationships as last year was.  And that's okay, every sophomore faces a situation like this every year and when the freshman become sophomores, they will understand.  

None of us know what the world will look like by the end of this year.  Perhaps it will be drastically different or perhaps the only thing that will change is the kind of espresso we drink in the morning.  That's what's exciting to me.  None of us know and that's the beauty of it...the world is wide open to us! We can go anywhere and do anything and only time will tell where we'll end up.  

Now I sit here on my couch staring out the window at the beautiful view of the trees that are already changing colors.  I hear not the whir of the coffee grinder, but that of plant services making sure the lawns are freshly manicured for Freshman Orientation.  A week from now, I'll be at work after a full Monday of classes and will steam another pitcher of milk wondering what awaits me this year.  I know it will be full of stress, lack of sleep and frustration.  I also know that it will be full of love, music, friendship and beauty.  And those surpass all else.

  

90 Years of Love and Life

My Grandma Nadine turns 90 tomorrow. To even comprehend living for another 71 years is too much to handle for me. How many experiences, how many people, how many days fill those years. We threw her a party to celebrate her 90th Birthday and 80 people showed up. Old friends, new friends, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, nurses, co-workers. All of these people were people that she had impacted at some point or another in her life and they all made their way out to Fresno, CA on their labor day weekend just to celebrate her. When my dad asked me if I wanted to say something, I wasn't sure I did. How could I put all that I felt about Grandma and all the stories into one thirty second speech? She's meant a lot to me, that Grandma Nadine. So what story was I to tell? I couldn't pick one, all that I felt I could share was about love. The love that she had for everyone in her life from the beginning until now.

I remember that she was always looking out for me and my siblings growing up, making sure that we were good and spoiled, like every grandma does. There were always chocolate bunnies sent at Easter and chocolate Santas sent at Christmas. There was always a white dish on her coffee table filled with peanut m&ms. She sent money for school clothes and birthday gifts. She always brought a suitcase full of cinnamon bread when she flew to Seattle and we would eat grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner and toast for breakfast. This was her language of love. But as she has grown much older, that love language hasn't stayed entirely the same. Now, it is her turn to receive love. All her life, she has been caring for each person around her, whether by giving them a meal or a ride to church, she has constantly put others before herself.

She has faced hardship after hardship, yet she never let it bring her down. I went through old photo albums and saw love and joy in each one of those photographs. She was living a life full of fun and friends, just like I am having right now, but she had no idea the years that would follow. The loss of a child, a sister, her parents, her husband, another child and another sister. How, in the face of so much loss, can a woman remain so strong? Her love of Christ remained strong, even when His love seemed gone. It is amazing to me that, after all she faced, she still managed to touch so many lives and love so much. It is so easy to harden your heart when life turns in a downward direction, but she moved forward and she continued strong. That is a lesson to be learned from Grandma Nadine. And I will take advice from a 90 year old, they have seen more than I could ever imagine.

It was beautiful to see how appreciative everyone was of her. My siblings and I went through all of her cards with her and read them aloud to her. She knew each and every one of those people so well and when they said "Thanks for all the fun memories" she would start listing off those memories. These are real relationships and it makes me wonder who I will still be friends with when I reach an older age. Are we putting the time and effort into our relationships to make them last? I sure hope so, but if we're not, we should start. If we want to know the love and faith and joy that Grandma Nadine knows, we need to stop taking for granted all that we have. We need to learn to live in a deep love that is only found through Christ.