Wednesday

I remember Wednesdays quite distinctly. Two years ago, I remember sitting on the floor of Upper Gwinn, right in front of the beautiful Aly, and feeling terrified, but somehow free. I stared at the carpet watching the pattern stretch out all over a room that on any other day is nothing more than a place to hear a lecture or eat a meal. On Wednesday nights, though, it is a sanctuary. Perhaps I looked like I was spacing out as I stared at the carpet, but the reality is that I was grappling with the fact that I wasn't going to live the life I thought I would be living. The fact is that on that particular Wednesday night, my dreams of being on stage were tossed out the window for something bigger.

For some, the dreams of the stage are perfect. More than perfect, really. They have gumption and they have courage. They can handle being told "no" audition after audition and they still have the strength to try again. I couldn't do it. When we asked Candace in Acting I how she knew she wanted to be an actress. She said that she knew when she didn't have to think about it. People asked if she wanted to act and she said yes. No hesitation, just a single focus on the one thing she really wanted to. I hesitated for months until finally one night at group, God asked if I wanted to act and I said no. It was no longer a question...the answer was no.

Freedom.

The whole world was waiting for me and I had to get beyond my own dreams to see it. Now, I am looking forward to days of summer which could be spent anywhere. Rwanda, Germany or Federal Way...wherever God calls. That's what I keep telling myself and they are also the words that are hopefully getting across to people on Wednesday nights as we go through the book of Matthew.

There are clear calls that we receive in Matthew, but it is up to us to follow them. I followed a call two years ago and now I stand up front and help others to hear that same call. GO. Whether we go upstairs, next door, across the state or across the world, we are being called to take a step forward. What a blessing it has been to be on the other side of the worship service. We often sing a song that has some of my favorite lyrics: I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow. These are the lyrics that have been my life for the past two and a half years. There are days that I feel like I am overflowing and then there are days that I am bone dry. I need all of these days and God has been providing them without hesitation. I am thankful everyday I wake up because I know that God is letting me live a full life. A life of love, of joy, of adventure and of hope.

Don't Be So Specific

A man came into the bakery on Saturday and asked, "Been busy today?"

"No," I replied, "it's actually been incredibly slow."

"Aah, all those New Year's Resolutions, right?"

"Probably, but just give it time. They'll be back. They always come back."

New Year's Resolutions are never something I've been particularly good at. I'll do them straight for a month, screw up one day and then never do them again. So, this year I've decided that I need not be so particular. I can set general resolutions and follow them as best I can. What more can be expected of me than the best I can do? So, here we go:

1. Stay hydrated...because Ben Rowe and I have decided that dehydration is the root of all evil. I will drink a nalgene bottle a day...that's 32 oz. a day.

2. Read the Bible consistently...did you know that there's enough chapters in Proverbs to read one every day of the month? By the end of the year, I will read Proverbs 12 times.

3. Run...I once hated to run. Then I didn't. Then I did. Now I must get back into the trend of running. Three times a week is my goal, but I won't quit entirely if I forget to run one time.

4. Become a morning person...I've already started to do this, but I hope to continue to enjoy the beauty of the morning, no matter how late the night before goes. I wake up, turn on my lamp by my bed and open Rilke's Book of Hours where the poetry makes my soul at ease.

5. Be wholehearted...As Rilke said, "I live my life in widening circles across the world...I circle around God, the primordial tower." In all that I do, whether playing music in Friends & Family, studying geography, eating dinner with my housemates or preparing for group, I must unite all these aspects of my life with Christ.

I realize I should have written this blog three weeks ago, but things have been busy. Perhaps something else I must make a solid attempt at is writing on this blog once a week. For some of you who don't see me every day (and perhaps some who do), it is a window into my heart. These are often the thoughts in my mind that are not easily expressed vocally. There is something about the keys on this keyboard that help the words flow. So, there's a last resolution: to share more with you. My ten devoted readers, how I appreciate your patience.

New Year's Eve

I remembr that exactly one year ago I had just landed after Christmas in Europe and I was lying on the couch by myself watching old episodes of Glee. I am in a very different state this New Year's Eve of 2010. I am surrounded by my parents and their friends. I am HOME.

There's never been fear in my heart of God calling me to go somewhere far away. It's not because I'm brave or because I'm desperate to leave this place, but I feel confident enough to leave because I know I'll always have this place to return to. Perhaps not these same walls or the same trees growing outside, but the stories and lives will always be here. These eight people-my own parents and the parent s of some of my dearest friends-have been the greatest influence on my life. From feeding me many pounds of beef to picking me up from school to attending ever play I was in, they've always been there for me. How they've managed to raise their own children and also a small part of me, I'll never know. They are phenomenal and it has been an absolute pleasure to share this New Year's Eve with them. I thank the Lord for bringing all of our lives together and I pray that it will stay that way for many years to come.