Without a Voice

I've never broken a bone, never needed to wear glasses and have always been able to hear and speak. Goodness, I didn't realize how easy I have it. My voice began to give out on Friday night and by Sunday afternoon, it was gone completely. It was brutal not to wish people a Happy Easter on Saturday at the bakery as I forced myself to do dishes in the back all day. Not being able to sing at church on Sunday was awful. I broke down when I came home from church because I was unable to talk to anyone. Not the boys in the soundbooth, not the worship team, not the people handing me a scone. The adorable old couple next to me probably thought I was just an unfriendly college student who is afraid of senior citizens. None of these things are true. You are all so great! And I want to talk to you...but I can't. My voice is gone.

How selfish I feel when this is a huge problem in my life. Not being able to speak for two days...it could be worse. I could be this way for the rest of my life. I could have never spoken a word since the day I was born. I can handle a few days of this, but it is very irritating. There is now a constant fear of being misunderstood. No, I'm not telling secrets or passing notes under the professor's nose. I'm not ridiculously shy and I have plenty of things I want to say in class. What a blessing it is to speak. How important it is to watch what we say. I realize now how loud I really am--always yelling to my friends across campus and asking questions in class. I realize the power that words can hold, both good and bad. Perhaps silence is good for a time, but the return of my voice would be much appreciated in the next few days.

I have things to say. There are so many things I want to know that I was unable to ask today.

In UCOR (philosophy): If a sinner is one who openly rejects God, is the ultimate punishment really eternal separation from God? If they didn't want to be separated from God, they wouldn't have so blatantly rejected Him in the first place. Or would they?

In Political and Economic Development of Nations: How long does it take a barge to get from China to the United States? If they really tip over as often as you say they do, does that mean there's a whole lot of junk just sitting at the bottom of the Pacific? Are environmentalists concerned with that?

In History of Africa: If Europeans had never landed on African soil and the different chiefdoms continued to exist as they had always done, would Africa be considered impoverished the way it is today? They were not dissatisfied with their way of living...is it simply comparison to the West that made them realize they were not living life to its "greatest" standard?

In planning meeting: Too many questions...justice, evil, judgement, mercy, grace, hope...how do they all fit together?

Well, those are the thoughts that are running through my head and now you, the wonderful ten people who read my blog, are the only ones who know what is going on in my mind right now. Lucky you!

group

I remember the first time I heard the story of how my dad ended up becoming the pastor at Bethany Community Church. He had set some pretty high standards for God to meet and when God went above and beyond (a unanimous vote by the congregation to make him the senior pastor), there was no turning back. A similar thing happened to me last week. I'm on group staff, as you probably know. If you don't know, group is a weekly worship service at SPU and I am one of the 13 staff members. Over the last three years, group has played a huge role in my life and today marks another important day in my relationship to group. Here is the story of me and group:

Freshman year: I remember going to group the first week of school with the girls from my floor. I was excited to see Upper Gwinn transformed into a haven where worship took a whole new form. For the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable taking my shoes off in a worship service, sitting and standing as I desired and looking at art that students had created. group gave worship a new meaning to me. It wasn't just singing songs, it wasn't a church service, it wasn't a sermon. It was a strange hybrid of these elements, but more than anything it was a place where I was challenged to think more deeply about the words that I was singing. The lyrics of the songs fit so perfectly together with the scripture that we were studying. Then we began to sing that song that quite literally changed my life:

We must go. Live to feed the hungry. Stand beside the broken. We must go. Stepping forward. Keep us from just singing. Move us into action. We must go.

It was week after week of singing this song that made me realize a theatre major was not for me and there was a better fit. I let go of that plan and then asked God to give me a new plan. This leap of faith was not one that I was familiar with taking and I realized that this was a turning point for me. When I applied to be a student ministry coordinator and didn't get it, applying for group staff began to look like a very appealing option. I loved attending every week and I felt like I owed it to group to be a part of it the next year.

Sophomore year: The year began with an exhausting leadership retreat and I quickly began to doubt my decision to be on group staff. I decided to be on the staff of the service that was my place of worship, so where was I to find my place of worship? My heart was very uneasy and I was mad at God for the first time in a while. Something that felt like the perfect call was all of a sudden feeling very wrong and I was frustrated. But after one Wednesday in a pile of tears, everything began to get better. After a second leadership retreat, I realized that providing a place of worship for 300 students every week was a big deal and I felt blessed to be a part of it. In the words of my dear friend Stephanie:

God touches us with His love so that we might touch others with His love.

Freshman year had been a year of being filled with Christ and sophomore was my chance to pour it all out. An agonizing decision came into my life at the beginning of spring quarter: to be on staff again or not to be on staff again? The choice was basically mine and as soon as I said "no way," my heart was uneasy and I cried my eyes out when I realized my schedule would conflict with group. I went into my interview and laid out several scheduling conflicts before them and said I desperately wanted to be on staff. They took me and the conflicts worked themselves out.

Junior year: A (once again) reluctant heart headed out to leadership conference, but after about one second with this staff, I was overjoyed. This year has been excellent on several levels, but I have been participating with staff as though this was it...no more group after this year. Until about ten days ago. My one condition was this: I would not even consider applying for group unless Bob personally asked me to be the coordinator. The condition was far fetched and I thought there was about a 5% chance of it actually happening. I opened my email last Wednesday and there was a one line email from Bob:

Hmmm...has Holly ever considered applying for coordinator?

God, you've got to be kidding me, I said to myself as I remembered my one condition. I told Bob that I couldn't do it because I had no time. A cop out answer for sure. I quietly went into his office the next day and asked him to print off an application and told him that it didn't mean anything. Then I gave my references their forms to fill out. When I couldn't sleep that night, the answers to the questions on the application were racing through my mind so I filled out the application and turned it in the next morning. When Bob told me on Tuesday that nobody else applied for the position I said, "Okay God. You win." I went to my interview this morning and got the call offering me the position this afternoon. I smiled a big smile as I said, "Yes, I would love to accept."

Senior year: Shoot, there's no knowing what next year will look like. There is the potential of an entirely new staff. There are some crazy books of the Bible to study. There are hours and hours of very hard work. There are many afternoons in Bob's office. What I am certain of: this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

So there you have it. Holly Dahlstrom: group Staff Coordinator. Those are some words I never thought I'd say, but I must say, I'm glad to say them now.

Spurts of Thought

I have been getting some complaints (rightfully so) about the lack of blogging in the last six weeks. Let me say this: I've tried, but the final product is me having a thousand thoughts and you have nothing to read. That's not fair for you, so let me share with you the three that I started and never quite finished. Then I'll write a complete post for you--just for you--about my thoughts of this quarter to date.

3/30/11

One week ago, I was sitting in the window of a coffee shop reading A Severe Mercy as the sun poured over me. I was in a state of utter relaxation without a care in the world. I wasn't thinking about what was in the past. I wasn't pondering what lies ahead. I was just soaking in the beauty of the present. Yet here I sit, one week later: TERRIFIED. I stressed myself out the day before classes started and I have begun the quarter in an uneasy state of mind. Lord, help me. Help me to find the peace that was so prominent in my heart exactly one week ago. Take me back to the sunny table of the cafe where there was nothing but You, me and my book.

4/5/11

I can't believe I haven't written in a month. Okay, I can believe it, but that doesn't mean I'm proud of it. There were plenty of moments over spring break that I found myself in sunny windows, soaking in the joy of life and never wrote a word. I felt inspired then. Inspired by warmth that touched my skin and my soul. I was inspired by a head no longer studying political systems and reading A Severe Mercy just for fun. There was an early morning coffee with G.M. Roe to discuss development issues in our world. There was an interview with World Relief. Then, after about a week, it was just me and my thoughts for a little too long.

4/17/11

I know, it has been far too long since I have written anything on my blog. Sometimes time fills up, other times there is so much to say I am too overwhelmed to say anything at all, but the truth of the last month is that I just haven't known what to say. A lot has happened between Spring Break and now. I have learned much about myself, I have begun to look at the future, school has become something I deeply care about and life is beginning to take a very different shape than I ever thought it would. Between God's call and my stubborn self, it would only be a matter of time before I gave in to what He had planned for me.

You see? Blogging is no simple feat, especially when so much happens and cascades all over you at the same time. I'll give it a go, just one more try to explain all that has happened in my life since the sunny day in the cafe during Spring Break.