Three Lives

I've been living three distinct lives as of late. All of them have been most excellent, but I have been trying to separate them when they really ought to be flowing together. Here are my lives:

Life #1: School

If you know me at all, you know it's never been my favorite thing. The papers, the exams, the reading, the quizzes...it's too much for me. I get worn out and discouraged, I almost always fail multiple choice tests and my scatter-brained mind doesn't know what to do when I have more than fifty pages of reading at one time. The lectures, though, I love the lectures. I love LEARNING, I just don't like the fact that I am forced to do homework and get graded on it. So here I am, week 9, and wondering, "How have I even made it this far?" I have read three textbooks cover to cover. I have written a twelve page research paper. I have struggled my way through philosophy. I have memorized the countries and capitals of the world for the third time (I must admit, I will miss my geo-quizzes). Yet, as I reviewed for my final tonight I realized how amazing it is to be in school. I am in school because I want to learn more about the things that have sparked my interest. I want to be an informed citizen of this country and steward of this world. I want to be able to get a job doing what I love when I graduate from college. Call me crazy, but the 9-5 life doesn't sound so bad to me as long as I'm working for the greater good. But that's a long way off...right now I've just got to make it through the next two weeks.

Life #2: Rwanda

Are you aware that I'm getting on a plane on June 16th and flying to Kigali? You can read more about that journey here (www.hollydahlstrom.wordpress.com), but let me just tell you why it has been consuming my life. Not only am I trying to raise a huge amount of prayer and financial support, I am also so completely distracted right now. The more I learn about Rwanda and the closer I get to it, the harder it is to be present right where I am. I want to go meet the people that I am told I will meet. I want to see where I will be living. I want to meet the World Relief program director. I want to smell the supposedly smelly city. I want to feel the warmth of the new climate. My heart is having trouble staying in Seattle at present because I am anxious to do this. All that I have been learning is about to be put into action for the first time and I am beyond excited.

Life #3: group

Yes, it has been consuming, but I absolutely love it. A couple weeks ago, every spare minute I had was spent conducting an interview. Then there were auditions. Then there was the absolutely grueling process of choosing my staff for next year and that sick feeling in my stomach after we told so many people "no." Then there came Saturday. Normally "leadership kick off" is an event that I scoff at, but I felt that I needed to get over that if I am the coordinator. Yes, LEADERSHIP KICK OFF! It was actually one of the greatest days of the quarter. We volunteered at a place called the Nature Consortium and pulled invasive blackberry plants to preserve a forest in the city. A few hours later, after a couple ridiculous conversations and dozens of root balls pulled from the ground, I was surrounded by new friends. I cannot express to you how excited I am for this unexpected opportunity in my life. It will be challenging and tiring, but the hours spent with this new group of friends will be beautiful, I can already tell. I am also very much invested in this year's staff, though, and my heart aches when I try to imagine next year without them. Braden won't sneak up behind me and grab me by the shoulders every day. I won't hear the phrase "Holy smokes!" nearly enough times. I won't be lulled into a very peaceful state every time Aly's fingers touch the keys of the piano. I won't have those three minute rides to practice that serve as a time to catch up on life. Things will be different next year, but for now I must immerse myself in the beauty that is this year.

Three lives, but slowly they are all coming together. School is preparing me for Rwanda. Rwanda will teach me so much. I will be able to bring lessons back from Rwanda and bring aspects of a new culture into group. And group will once again change my life.

Missing You

No one laughs at God in a hospital.

No one laughs at God in a war.

No one's laughing at God

When they've lost all they've got

And they don't know what for.

No one laughs at God

On the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see

Is a pair of hateful eyes.

No one's laughing at God

When they're saying their goodbyes.

(Regina Spektor, "Laughing With")

Five years ago she jumped and the world stopped. We all closed our eyes, took a deep breath and desperately hoped the nightmare would be over the second we opened our eyes again. When we finally had the courage to open our eyes all we saw was reality staring us in the face: she was gone. When I stare out my window every night at the Aurora Bridge I see a beautiful sight, but there is also fear. When I see lights flashing I pray to God that no one else has jumped. Please God, don't let anyone else feel the pain that so many have felt due to this sort of a death.

On May 6 of each year, I am reminded that life is fragile. I have a friend at a memorial service this weekend for his dear friend who died three years ago. She was young. Why is there death of the young? Whether by accident or a moment of hopelessness, the death of someone so young is unfair. Talking about it with friends who have faced similar things, we all notice the same thing. Good things do come of situations like this.

But is it really worth it?

Is it really worth the loss of life for a group of stupid 16 year olds to realize that we ought to be nicer to one another? I struggle with this logic, yet it seems the only explanation. It seems that we are all moving too fast. We are so caught up in our own worlds that the only way the world can get our attention is by yelling at us. My hope for my life is that I will learn how to stop. Look at the stars. Listen to my roommate. Walk to the store. Go out of my way. The world is too big to face alone...hold onto the love you have and never let go...not for anything in or out of this world.

Moments

Life is made up of moments. Some of them last only a second yet those are so often the most significant. A single tear that rolls down my cheek. A burst of laughter as loud as a big dog's bark. A touch of the hand. A scratch of the back. Eyes that meet. Warmth of the heart. The coldness of fear. There are feelings wrapped up in the midst of the everyday. There is more to life than the schedule that is kept.

I hear two alarms go off before my own. I never open my eyes because that would make me enter reality sooner than I would like. But I think of them in these half asleep moments and pray that they have good days.

The alarm goes off at 7am and the sun is already awake. I pour the yogurt and granola in the ceramic bowl homemade by two very loving hands. I think of her in this moment every single morning.

I grab the lime green nano puff as I head out the door. It's never the color I would have chosen, but it was a gift from him and I have grown to adore it. Every time I walk out the door I think of him in this moment.

The keys on the hook hold a keychain from South Africa. It is a continent that seems so very different and far away, but the moment I hold the keys in my hand I am reminded that I will be there soon.

I walk past the door of Demaray 356 and remember a day before I actually attended SPU when I took the SATs in that room. It is in this moment I remember there was a time before college and I realize how much I have changed.

I see two ducks sitting outside the SUB. This is not where they normally reside, but perhaps they are here in this moment to remind me of her. She is very special to me and I love her so much.

OMH is a dreadful place, but there will forever be her voice saying "Otto Miller 127" in my head. I think of her every moment I walk through the dark drafty hall of Otto Miller.

These are just moments from the day to day. To get started on the specific moments that have been significant would mean this blog post would go on for eternity. Because life is made up of a thousand tiny moments, each holding their own significance and meaning. It is in these tiny moments that we feel, that we learn and that we remember. Moments are beautiful things and it is here in this moment that I realize how blessed I am that I can look back on my moments in fondness. Each moment leads to the next and each one has a purpose. Sometimes they are painful, but they are somehow beautiful at the same time. It's funny the way God works through our pain to bring beauty. He truly does make beautiful things out of the dust.