Your Will

I have been struggling to the point of madness over the past two weeks trying to figure out what on earth to do with my life.  To be a student ministry coordinator, to play on the Wednesday night worship team, to be in the plays, who to live with, what classes to take, what major to be, on and on and on.  This is what college is to me right now: an institution where we sit in classes to learn, yet our minds travel elsewhere.  Our minds travel to questions unanswered and a desperate search for the correct answers.  Relationships are muddled by the confusion in our own lives.  Tolerance levels for the people and actions around us are at an all time low.  It has been much too much to handle.

On Sunday, though, my wonderful father gave a sermon that was exactly what I needed to hear, perhaps even what I wanted to hear (So often, what we need to hear is not at all what we want to hear, I'm sure everyone has felt that way at one point or another).  So many questions were buzzing around in my mind and I wanted to find the answers.  No, I didn't want God to present them to me, I wanted to find them myself.  I wanted CONTROL, who doesn't want control of their own life?  The sermon was about us living the will of the father, rather than the will of ourselves.  Exactly what I needed to hear.

If I am to call myself a Christian, I cannot go about doing whatever I please.  There are things in my life that I love and have passions for, but I need to make room for new passions.  I need to do the things that Christ is calling me to do, but the struggle has been in hearing that calling.  It shouldn't have been such a groundbreaking realization to me as to why I couldn't hear that calling.  I was too busy and caught up in my own world to listen to His voice.  We all get caught up in our own thoughts, struggles and feelings, leaving no room for what is truly important: His voice in our lives.  One thing that stood out to me most was when he told us that one of the reasons we stop listening to God is that we're afraid of being called where we don't want to go.

After this statement, I realized that the Christian life is not meant to be a burden, it is meant to be an adventure.  I read a verse in Luke (in the Message translation) Chapter 6, vs. 24 that showed me this.  

"But it's trouble ahead if you think you have it made.  What you have is all you'll ever get."

If we don't take any risks or leaps of faith, we'll never get anywhere.  We will stay in the same comfortable place all our lives and never see the world that has been set out before us.  Faith is meant to take us places where we would never otherwise go.  It is meant to spread our capacity to love all over the world and live a Christlike life here on earth.  I have to give up my life to God, give up everything I have, drop it all and follow Him.

On Wednesday night, I came to the realization that no matter what I do next year, God has His hand over it.  What peace I found from such a realization.  How silly of me to hear the words "Your will, not my own be done" and never truly understand the meaning until now.  How foolish I was to sing the words of worship songs and on so many occasions, barely even believe what I was saying.  Oh, how my life has changed this year.  I thought coming to SPU would be going back into a safe and familiar Christian bubble of a world.  Yes, it is a wonderful Christian community, but it has challenged me in ways I never would have been challenged if I were on a different campus.  

This week is Holy Week and we sang tonight "Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again."  I sang these words with the realization in my heart that Christ gave up His life for the broken human race.  He gave His life to ensure the salvation of a group of broken people.  We are helpless, but through Christ's death and resurrection, we are able to have hope in a dark world.  I sang the words with a smile on my face: CHRIST WILL COME AGAIN! 

Spring is Coming, I Can Feel It

I am sitting here at my desk, yet again.  I often find myself here at my desk when I should be cleaning my room.  I also often find myself cleaning my room, when I should be here at my desk.  That's just the way life is for me at SPU...constantly distracting myself with the endless variety of other things to do.  I look out my window and I see students slowly trickling their way back to the dorms after their finals.  Some are going back to bed.  Others are going to study for more finals because for some, the finals never seem to end.  And then there are the ones like me, who should be packing and getting ready to head out, but find themselves endlessly distracted.  We're all so close to Spring Break, but it feels as though it will never come.

It's been "so close" for weeks now, can't it just be here now?  Our lives for the past few weeks have been like the tree that is right outside my window.  We're the blossoms on the end of the branches, waiting so desperately for the cold of winter to die down.

I became acquainted with the tree on move in day, which was six months ago.  How did time fly so fast when it was full of times like these, where each day drags out as long as possible?  On move in day, the tree had big green leaves on it and I was nearly too busy to even notice.  As the quarter went on, the tree began to lose its leaves as we began to lose sight of high school and adjust to the wonderful new college life set out before us.  When the tree's leaves were completely gone, I was able to look into the main lounge and watch certain someones play the baby grand.  I left the tree for Christmas while its branches were bare and all I could see was its sturdy trunk.

When I returned after an exceptionally long and snowy Christmas break, the tree was still there, looking just like it did when I left it.  I woke up four times over the quarter to a tree covered in sticky white snow, some days were fluffier than others.  Those mornings were always so quiet because I was up at 8:00 on a Tuesday or Thursday (unheard of in college!).  I would walk across the deserted campus shivering, wishing that I could watch the snow with a cup of cocoa in my hands, wrapped in a blanket.  The snow would be gone by 9:30, though, so I never would have had these precious, quiet mornings, had it not been for my 8:30 class.  It was a good class, but I am most thankful for these four peaceful mornings that the 8:30 hour provided me with.

When mid-terms surprisingly hit us, I looked out the window and saw green popping out of the branches.  New life had appeared overnight and it was beautiful.  Later on in the quarter, my crazy English teacher taught us all a valuable lesson about winter and the transition into spring.  She couldn't help, but notice the green on the trees outside the windows of Demaray 356, so she shared with us her views on the matter.  "Winter is a long hard journey," she said, "BUT YOU KEEP GOING!"  And now look outside the window and look at the new life exploding out of all the trees.  They were quite encouraging words during our exceptionally long winter quarter.  Now, every bird that chirps and every flower that blooms reminds me of her lectures on love and peace and perseverance.  My last quote from Suzanne Wolfe:

"You can sit on your ass for A THOUSAND YEARS wishing for wings and never get there.  OR you can get up and put one foot in front of the other, go for as long as it takes and eventually you'll get there."

She's right, all it takes is the courage to put one foot in front of the other.  This quarter, that required getting up when the alarm went off and heading to the classes I didn't want to be in.  It required taking time out of my busy days to simply rest, to sit, to listen to God.  It required praying about the questions I had and waiting patiently for the answers.  Answers which led me to have difficult, yet necessary conversations.  Answers which led me to tears at some points and laughter at others, but which ultimately led to the peace of mind I so desired. 

Now there are tiny pink buds nestled in between the bright green leaves.  They have been there for the last two weeks which have also been the busiest and most stressful two weeks of my life.  I just wanted the trees to blossom and show me spring, but they have thought otherwise.  Slowly, more buds come each day, but no blossoms.  The buds, just like God, have been telling me to wait.  It's not spring yet, spring will come when it is time.  You can't rush nature, no matter how much you desire to.  So, here I sit, staring at the hot pink buds, imagining what they are going to look like.  Of course, once I leave today for Disneyland, I will forget about the tree.  I will be in the warm weather of California with my family, what more could I ask for?

The tree will probably blossom while I am away, but I have come to accept that fact.  I will return to a new quarter and a new outlook on life.  No more winter blues, instead the hope and freshness of spring! 

Cookies For Thought

Middle of the quarter.  Middle of the week.  Middle of the day.  This was the time I found myself in a few weeks ago and I never find the middle a nice place to be.  It feels melancholy and everyone has a tired feeling about himself.  I left work at about 4 o’clock and began walking up the steps that feel so much longer in the middle of the day.  I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my pea coat to shelter them from the dry, cold February air.  I found a delightful surprise in that pocket: My last heart shaped cookie from my dear friend, Holly Roe. 

I pulled the cookie out of its bag and took a bite of the delicious cookie covered in a delectable frosting.  This is a familiar taste, for these cookies have been at every big event for the last ten years.  Valentine’s Days, Christmas tea parties, my high school graduation, sweet sixteen’s, Oscar parties, every single birthday.  Whatever the event, the cookies are always there and I love them.  So, when I grudgingly made my way up the steps to my dorm, I suddenly forgot the melancholy of the day when I found this wonderful cookie in my pocket.  Memories began to fly into my brain of all those different events where the cookies were present, as well as many friends.

My first memory of the cookies (I’m sure they existed before, but this is my first recollection) is at Paula’s tenth birthday party.  We all got dressed up that year in our nicest dresses and piled into a limo to go an adventure all around the city.  Halfway through the adventure, we arrived at Carey Park and piled out of the limo.  We ran to the stone wall that protects onlookers from falling into an endless cliff of blackberry bushes and we sat down.  Soon, there was a plate of sugar cookies in front of me, all the numbers 1 and 0: ten years of life for the lovely Paula Roe.  I bit into that cookie and I had never tasted anything more delicious in my entire life.  It was time for seconds.  And thirds!  The cookies were scrumptious!

Since then, these cookies have appeared everywhere in all different shapes.  Hearts, Stars, 13, 16, 50, 2002, and most recently 2008.  Parties to celebrate performances, birthdays, graduations and even those that celebrate nothing at all, just the joy of being together.  I was so excited when that particular plate of cookies arrived at my graduation party.  This was what I was waiting for so many years: The cookies would be sitting on a table decorated with graduation paraphernalia for 2008.  And there they were, some strange sort of final step found in a plate of cookies.

I know that I love food, but I never thought that a simple cookie recipe would have so much of an impact on my life and stir up so many memories.  On this particularly long Wednesday, though, it was an absolutely wonderful reminder of the love that Holly Roe has shown to me and so many others through the years.  So, thank you for the cookies and for the friendly reminder of the love that we should all be sharing with the world. 

Notes on Love

I am taking a class this quarter called "Faith and Literature."  If you know me at all, you would know that there is no way that I would actually choose to take a literature class, but I ended up in this one because I couldn't get into any of the other classes I wanted to take.  My backup class was filled and so was my backup backup class, so I was left with no choice other than taking this class which I was told was interesting.  I have not regretted taking this class for one second.  Not even while I was writing an eight page paper on a novel that I finished a week too late.  Yes, this class was, as the title states, about faith and literature.  We read a few novels and discussed them intensely in class, but that's not what I have learned from this class.  This class has taught me something much more important than how to analyze a text in the context of faith.

This class was about love.  The love that we receive from God.  The love that we are intended to show others.  The love that we actually show others.  So many kinds of love boiled down into one bare concept: Love is not easy.  Love requires effort from both parties.  We cannot honestly accept love unless we can give love in return.  In a busy quarter, it is so easy to forget about others and think only of my own troubles.  My own homework that constantly causes stress and my own friendships that are struggling so often took priority over the troubles of those closest to me and I am ashamed of it.  Ashamed to say that I could be selfish enough to not even think about my best friends before myself.  I ignored Christ and then, through my professor's ridiculous British accent, I heard these words: "Trying to love is running a marathon.  It is a constant struggle to the very end."  

She went on and on about how love is not meant to be something easy.  If love were something easy, it wouldn't be God's greatest challenge to us.  "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."  (1 John 4:7-8)  It seems like such an easy thing to love those around us, but in the midst of our own troubled worlds, it becomes a constant struggle.  Ms. Wolfe told us that love means laying down your life.  Are we willing to do that?  Are we willing to lay down our own lives for those we love?  

I see this love all around me now.  I see it in the heartbreak of those around me and the comfort they can find so easily.  I see it in the support through daunting tasks that stir fear within us.  I see it in the constant effort others put forward to make a busy quarter just a little bit less stressful.  It is in the hugs, the cookies and the walks by the canal.  The listening ears and the comforting words.  It is everywhere and I want to be a part of it.

It is a challenge to love, but it is not an impossible task.  God does not call us to do the impossible, he calls us to do the things that stretch us.  If he does not challenge us, how then are we to grow?  I know I have grown this quarter exceptionally due to a class that I was placed in by mistake.  I don't think it was a mistake anymore, it is proof that everything happens for a purpose.  If I hadn't been placed in this class, I would have forgotten what love truly means.  I hope that you don't forget like I did, for "this is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another."  (1 John 3:11)

All I Am Is Yours

At 11 o clock last night in the Hill Hall main lounge, I witnessed something beautiful.  There I was, standing in front of the room with the other band members, and for a few split seconds I was able to look up from my violin and watch the Holy Spirit speaking to a room full of college students stuck in the middle of a long quarter.  Mid-terms began two weeks ago and have somehow found a way of stretching themselves into week seven of the quarter.  Friendships and relationships are struggling.  Spirits are feeling week as the quarter drones on and on.  A cold epidemic has hit 60% of us and we are tired.  We are broken.  We have nowhere to turn, but to Christ.

That is why watching these students worship last night was such a blessing.  I was able to realize that, in the end, we are all in the same place.  Just because some of us were in the band does not mean that we are, by any means, living a perfect life.  We are all hurting so much and it is such a blessing to be able to turn to Christ, to be able to gather together on a college campus and worship together, to bear each other's burdens together.  During one of the last songs, students were singing with so much passion:

"Here I stand, with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all.  I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours."

What a beautiful verse to sing.  What more can we do, but surrender all we have to Christ?

In the present times in our own personal lives, our country and the world, we all feel so much despair.  It feels as though the world is coming to an end, but by living in a Christian community, I have realized the hope we have.  This is not the end, and we WILL get through with the help of Christ.  His love and mercy are unfailing:

"But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom."

We mess up so many times, yet He forgives us every time.  A love that is unfailing and a love that lasts, that is the love of Christ.  That is why we should not have feelings of despair, but of hope.  Hope that Christ will bring us through the next difficult chapter of our lives and walk with us into whatever challenge may lie ahead.

"You're the light in this darkness, you're the hope to the hopeless, you're the peace to the restless, You are."

A Joyful Life

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." 

-"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

For some reason, it has been a very difficult month for me to find the right words to write.  When I got back to school, the days seemed so long, yet my mind was blank at the end of them.  Tonight, though, the words flowed.  I told my life story to my floormates and it was interesting to see the way it turned out.  

I had planned out the stories I was going to tell them, some funny and others heartwrenching, but when I actually got around to telling them about my life, I didn't end up telling all those stories.  It ended up being a myriad of all the joyful moments in my life.  It felt like "It's a Wonderful Life" when, in the end, he realizes that his life is really not so hard.  He has a family who loves him, a town supporting him and hardships are just not so hard for him to face because he doesn't need to face them alone.  No, I don't have a town supporting me, but I have my family and I have my floor.  

I started my story with my June 3rd birth in Anacortes and moved through my elementary school years.  I told them about my horrifying first day of first grade and my third grade teacher who loved Winnie the Pooh.  There was the day I went to the top of the Space Needle in fifth grade to learn geography with my mom.  I did tell them that my school transitions were difficult and that many tears were shed during those transitions, but I didn't tell them the stories I intended to that happened during high school.  My funny stories and awkward situations just kept coming and I was getting so excited to share these moments with them.  I couldn't shatter the moment by telling them about my friend who jumped off a bridge when she was fifteen.  

You see, my floor has changed my feelings about that day at Camp Casey when I got the news that a friend of mine had lost her life.  I still remember distinctly the evening of March 6 when my friend got a text saying Maren committed suicide.  I hadn't been to Casey since that day and when I went back for the Hill Hall Retreat, a chill went up my spine as I looked out at the water.  That heartbreaking memory screamed at me, but I viewed this retreat as a way of making a new memory of this truly beautiful place.  As I watched the sunset with my new friends and I lay beneath the stars, I no longer had a fearful image of Camp Casey in my mind.  Fear was replaced with beauty and love.

I meant to tell them this, I really did, but I couldn't do it.  I was happy to be sharing my joyful moments with them; I could save my sadness for another day.  What I realized at the end of the story (of my life) is that it has been a good life.  I have been so happy for 99% and that other 1% has been the basis of so much growth.  There is a purpose for all that happens and Christ has helped me to find that purpose.  As Benjamin Button stated above, it's up to us to be who we want to be.  Sometimes things happen along the way that alter our plans, but we have the freedom to see those alterations as a benefit or a downfall.  If we are wise, we will not let anything put us down and we will realize that tomorrow is always a brand new day.

When the World Stands Still

Snow has hit Seattle and not in a small way.  No, not small at all, for I am looking out my window at an entire foot of snow covering every surface.  The snow has been building up for a week now and the more that piles up, the quieter the city becomes.  At night, there are not cars speeding up and down the streets.  Instead, there are couples out walking their dogs and children inside drinking their hot chocolate.  I personally found myself sitting on the couch, curled up in a blanket and reading.  I, of course, didn't get very much reading done, but instead found myself staring out the window at the world around me that has been moving at a much slower pace.

The snow has forced us all into a much simpler lifestyle.  We are walking to where we need to be, we are spending time together when we would normally be running around town and we are forced away from malls and and the holiday stress that they cause.  What a blessing to be able to live in peace during this season and to be at enough peace to remember the true meaning that this holiday brings.  

Our Sunday church service was one that I will remember forever.  I trudged through the snow for a mile with my pastor father and we arrived at church very early to see if anyone was there.  No worship team showed up, no advent readers, no one to prepare the service as usual.  It was a Sunday for improvising and dad went to the shiny grand piano and began to play Christmas carols the way he often does at home.  A long time family friend sang along with him and it was worship where the meaning of the song lyrics resounded quite clearly in our heads.  What made the service even more beautiful was staring out the wall of windows in our new building and watching the snow fall freely.  The usually bustling street was quiet and all you could hear was the sound of our own voices.  This is what Christmas should be about: Coming together with our family and friends with nothing standing in the way of it.

 

When I moved out of my dorm a week ago, I was sad to leave it, but there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather be right now than in the comfort of my true home.  Here in my seat by the window, I am able to watch the passers by and watch their happiness.  I was sick the entire week and the snow cancelled work all week, so I was forced in this position, but I am so thankful for it.  Yes, I've lost my voice and no, I didn't earn any money this week, but I have been able to slow my life down for an entire week.  

Now, as the rain begins to defeat the snow and it will all melt away soon enough, I will remember the peace that it brought.  I will keep this peace of mind throughout the rest of the holiday and not forget that it is about Christ and the love that he brought us two thousand years ago.  

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Luke 2:14