Too Much

In church today, we were asked to think of how God could use us. How God could use us. We are tiny broken humans who only exist for a blip in time, yet God wants to use us for the greater good. He says it right there at the end of Matthew: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Through many conversations, much prayer and a few life-changing decisions, I have come to understand something very interesting about Jesus and the great commission. He doesn't expect us to be perfect in order to spread the love of Christ. All he asks is that we do it. As my roommate pointed out, Jesus didn't walk with high rulers and rich kings, he walked with the helpless, the poor and the broken. And now, He is walking with us.

So there I sat, in a beautiful building surrounded by people who all share the same faith as me. And nobody is getting in trouble; nobody is being persecuted. We are being encouraged and supported to go and live a life of Christ in spite of our brokenness. "It's okay to struggle, just don't walk away." I was told that struggling was good, that it actually brings us closer to God. So where is my struggle? I attend a top rate college for practically nothing. I live with my best friend and we still love each other very much. My family gets along ALL THE TIME. I am taking classes that make me want to learn more every time I leave. I am blessed with almost too many friends. I am not afraid to move into the action God calls me to. I am on a leadership team that has strengthened my faith more than anything else. I live in the land of opportunity. There is no struggle. The struggle is in the lack of struggle. How do I use all that has been given to me? Where does God want me to go from here? The struggle is a lack of direction, a fear of the unknown.

Maybe in three years, I will be in Uganda distributing food to remote villages. Or maybe I will be in an office in Seattle, filing papers and making phone calls asking for donations. I fear the mundane, I strive for the adventure. But God often puts us in the places we don't see fit. He put me in Ballard High School, not Kings. He put me in a classroom at SPU learning about political issues in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, not on a Broadway stage. He has different plans and we need to accept them. We need to stop planning our own lives. As pointed out last week: "Stop trying to live the Christian life on your own so that you may realize you can only achieve the position to which God has called you to when you call on God." Yes, it's a lot to take in at once, but break it up. Stop trying to live the Christian life on your own. Only when you call on God will you be able to achieve the position God has called you to. God calls on us, but it is important to call back to Him.

It was when I was applying to my new major that I realized my total lack of direction. The question on the application: What do you want to do with this major? A harder question could not have been asked. That's the dreaded question of the college student. What will you do with that? I don't know, it's just an interesting subject to me. What kind of a job will it give you? I don't know, I'll probably go work for a non-profit somewhere. What area? I don't know, I'm open to going anywhere. Do you want to be a missionary? Maybe...I'm not sure. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW. Yes, I have found my struggle, I have found my brokenness. God has given me so much, but I have no idea how to share it. God has changed my life, but I'm having trouble acting on that change.

My prayer is that over the next couple years, direction will be found. More importantly, my prayer is that over the next moments of my life I will be able to share my blessings with those around me. "To whom much is given, much is also required." The next step is to call on God, to ask him to use me in my brokenness--in the selfishness of my blessing--to spread the love of Christ to which He calls us.