Cookies For Thought

Middle of the quarter.  Middle of the week.  Middle of the day.  This was the time I found myself in a few weeks ago and I never find the middle a nice place to be.  It feels melancholy and everyone has a tired feeling about himself.  I left work at about 4 o’clock and began walking up the steps that feel so much longer in the middle of the day.  I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my pea coat to shelter them from the dry, cold February air.  I found a delightful surprise in that pocket: My last heart shaped cookie from my dear friend, Holly Roe. 

I pulled the cookie out of its bag and took a bite of the delicious cookie covered in a delectable frosting.  This is a familiar taste, for these cookies have been at every big event for the last ten years.  Valentine’s Days, Christmas tea parties, my high school graduation, sweet sixteen’s, Oscar parties, every single birthday.  Whatever the event, the cookies are always there and I love them.  So, when I grudgingly made my way up the steps to my dorm, I suddenly forgot the melancholy of the day when I found this wonderful cookie in my pocket.  Memories began to fly into my brain of all those different events where the cookies were present, as well as many friends.

My first memory of the cookies (I’m sure they existed before, but this is my first recollection) is at Paula’s tenth birthday party.  We all got dressed up that year in our nicest dresses and piled into a limo to go an adventure all around the city.  Halfway through the adventure, we arrived at Carey Park and piled out of the limo.  We ran to the stone wall that protects onlookers from falling into an endless cliff of blackberry bushes and we sat down.  Soon, there was a plate of sugar cookies in front of me, all the numbers 1 and 0: ten years of life for the lovely Paula Roe.  I bit into that cookie and I had never tasted anything more delicious in my entire life.  It was time for seconds.  And thirds!  The cookies were scrumptious!

Since then, these cookies have appeared everywhere in all different shapes.  Hearts, Stars, 13, 16, 50, 2002, and most recently 2008.  Parties to celebrate performances, birthdays, graduations and even those that celebrate nothing at all, just the joy of being together.  I was so excited when that particular plate of cookies arrived at my graduation party.  This was what I was waiting for so many years: The cookies would be sitting on a table decorated with graduation paraphernalia for 2008.  And there they were, some strange sort of final step found in a plate of cookies.

I know that I love food, but I never thought that a simple cookie recipe would have so much of an impact on my life and stir up so many memories.  On this particularly long Wednesday, though, it was an absolutely wonderful reminder of the love that Holly Roe has shown to me and so many others through the years.  So, thank you for the cookies and for the friendly reminder of the love that we should all be sharing with the world. 

Notes on Love

I am taking a class this quarter called "Faith and Literature."  If you know me at all, you would know that there is no way that I would actually choose to take a literature class, but I ended up in this one because I couldn't get into any of the other classes I wanted to take.  My backup class was filled and so was my backup backup class, so I was left with no choice other than taking this class which I was told was interesting.  I have not regretted taking this class for one second.  Not even while I was writing an eight page paper on a novel that I finished a week too late.  Yes, this class was, as the title states, about faith and literature.  We read a few novels and discussed them intensely in class, but that's not what I have learned from this class.  This class has taught me something much more important than how to analyze a text in the context of faith.

This class was about love.  The love that we receive from God.  The love that we are intended to show others.  The love that we actually show others.  So many kinds of love boiled down into one bare concept: Love is not easy.  Love requires effort from both parties.  We cannot honestly accept love unless we can give love in return.  In a busy quarter, it is so easy to forget about others and think only of my own troubles.  My own homework that constantly causes stress and my own friendships that are struggling so often took priority over the troubles of those closest to me and I am ashamed of it.  Ashamed to say that I could be selfish enough to not even think about my best friends before myself.  I ignored Christ and then, through my professor's ridiculous British accent, I heard these words: "Trying to love is running a marathon.  It is a constant struggle to the very end."  

She went on and on about how love is not meant to be something easy.  If love were something easy, it wouldn't be God's greatest challenge to us.  "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."  (1 John 4:7-8)  It seems like such an easy thing to love those around us, but in the midst of our own troubled worlds, it becomes a constant struggle.  Ms. Wolfe told us that love means laying down your life.  Are we willing to do that?  Are we willing to lay down our own lives for those we love?  

I see this love all around me now.  I see it in the heartbreak of those around me and the comfort they can find so easily.  I see it in the support through daunting tasks that stir fear within us.  I see it in the constant effort others put forward to make a busy quarter just a little bit less stressful.  It is in the hugs, the cookies and the walks by the canal.  The listening ears and the comforting words.  It is everywhere and I want to be a part of it.

It is a challenge to love, but it is not an impossible task.  God does not call us to do the impossible, he calls us to do the things that stretch us.  If he does not challenge us, how then are we to grow?  I know I have grown this quarter exceptionally due to a class that I was placed in by mistake.  I don't think it was a mistake anymore, it is proof that everything happens for a purpose.  If I hadn't been placed in this class, I would have forgotten what love truly means.  I hope that you don't forget like I did, for "this is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another."  (1 John 3:11)

All I Am Is Yours

At 11 o clock last night in the Hill Hall main lounge, I witnessed something beautiful.  There I was, standing in front of the room with the other band members, and for a few split seconds I was able to look up from my violin and watch the Holy Spirit speaking to a room full of college students stuck in the middle of a long quarter.  Mid-terms began two weeks ago and have somehow found a way of stretching themselves into week seven of the quarter.  Friendships and relationships are struggling.  Spirits are feeling week as the quarter drones on and on.  A cold epidemic has hit 60% of us and we are tired.  We are broken.  We have nowhere to turn, but to Christ.

That is why watching these students worship last night was such a blessing.  I was able to realize that, in the end, we are all in the same place.  Just because some of us were in the band does not mean that we are, by any means, living a perfect life.  We are all hurting so much and it is such a blessing to be able to turn to Christ, to be able to gather together on a college campus and worship together, to bear each other's burdens together.  During one of the last songs, students were singing with so much passion:

"Here I stand, with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all.  I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours."

What a beautiful verse to sing.  What more can we do, but surrender all we have to Christ?

In the present times in our own personal lives, our country and the world, we all feel so much despair.  It feels as though the world is coming to an end, but by living in a Christian community, I have realized the hope we have.  This is not the end, and we WILL get through with the help of Christ.  His love and mercy are unfailing:

"But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom."

We mess up so many times, yet He forgives us every time.  A love that is unfailing and a love that lasts, that is the love of Christ.  That is why we should not have feelings of despair, but of hope.  Hope that Christ will bring us through the next difficult chapter of our lives and walk with us into whatever challenge may lie ahead.

"You're the light in this darkness, you're the hope to the hopeless, you're the peace to the restless, You are."

A Joyful Life

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." 

-"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

For some reason, it has been a very difficult month for me to find the right words to write.  When I got back to school, the days seemed so long, yet my mind was blank at the end of them.  Tonight, though, the words flowed.  I told my life story to my floormates and it was interesting to see the way it turned out.  

I had planned out the stories I was going to tell them, some funny and others heartwrenching, but when I actually got around to telling them about my life, I didn't end up telling all those stories.  It ended up being a myriad of all the joyful moments in my life.  It felt like "It's a Wonderful Life" when, in the end, he realizes that his life is really not so hard.  He has a family who loves him, a town supporting him and hardships are just not so hard for him to face because he doesn't need to face them alone.  No, I don't have a town supporting me, but I have my family and I have my floor.  

I started my story with my June 3rd birth in Anacortes and moved through my elementary school years.  I told them about my horrifying first day of first grade and my third grade teacher who loved Winnie the Pooh.  There was the day I went to the top of the Space Needle in fifth grade to learn geography with my mom.  I did tell them that my school transitions were difficult and that many tears were shed during those transitions, but I didn't tell them the stories I intended to that happened during high school.  My funny stories and awkward situations just kept coming and I was getting so excited to share these moments with them.  I couldn't shatter the moment by telling them about my friend who jumped off a bridge when she was fifteen.  

You see, my floor has changed my feelings about that day at Camp Casey when I got the news that a friend of mine had lost her life.  I still remember distinctly the evening of March 6 when my friend got a text saying Maren committed suicide.  I hadn't been to Casey since that day and when I went back for the Hill Hall Retreat, a chill went up my spine as I looked out at the water.  That heartbreaking memory screamed at me, but I viewed this retreat as a way of making a new memory of this truly beautiful place.  As I watched the sunset with my new friends and I lay beneath the stars, I no longer had a fearful image of Camp Casey in my mind.  Fear was replaced with beauty and love.

I meant to tell them this, I really did, but I couldn't do it.  I was happy to be sharing my joyful moments with them; I could save my sadness for another day.  What I realized at the end of the story (of my life) is that it has been a good life.  I have been so happy for 99% and that other 1% has been the basis of so much growth.  There is a purpose for all that happens and Christ has helped me to find that purpose.  As Benjamin Button stated above, it's up to us to be who we want to be.  Sometimes things happen along the way that alter our plans, but we have the freedom to see those alterations as a benefit or a downfall.  If we are wise, we will not let anything put us down and we will realize that tomorrow is always a brand new day.

When the World Stands Still

Snow has hit Seattle and not in a small way.  No, not small at all, for I am looking out my window at an entire foot of snow covering every surface.  The snow has been building up for a week now and the more that piles up, the quieter the city becomes.  At night, there are not cars speeding up and down the streets.  Instead, there are couples out walking their dogs and children inside drinking their hot chocolate.  I personally found myself sitting on the couch, curled up in a blanket and reading.  I, of course, didn't get very much reading done, but instead found myself staring out the window at the world around me that has been moving at a much slower pace.

The snow has forced us all into a much simpler lifestyle.  We are walking to where we need to be, we are spending time together when we would normally be running around town and we are forced away from malls and and the holiday stress that they cause.  What a blessing to be able to live in peace during this season and to be at enough peace to remember the true meaning that this holiday brings.  

Our Sunday church service was one that I will remember forever.  I trudged through the snow for a mile with my pastor father and we arrived at church very early to see if anyone was there.  No worship team showed up, no advent readers, no one to prepare the service as usual.  It was a Sunday for improvising and dad went to the shiny grand piano and began to play Christmas carols the way he often does at home.  A long time family friend sang along with him and it was worship where the meaning of the song lyrics resounded quite clearly in our heads.  What made the service even more beautiful was staring out the wall of windows in our new building and watching the snow fall freely.  The usually bustling street was quiet and all you could hear was the sound of our own voices.  This is what Christmas should be about: Coming together with our family and friends with nothing standing in the way of it.

 

When I moved out of my dorm a week ago, I was sad to leave it, but there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather be right now than in the comfort of my true home.  Here in my seat by the window, I am able to watch the passers by and watch their happiness.  I was sick the entire week and the snow cancelled work all week, so I was forced in this position, but I am so thankful for it.  Yes, I've lost my voice and no, I didn't earn any money this week, but I have been able to slow my life down for an entire week.  

Now, as the rain begins to defeat the snow and it will all melt away soon enough, I will remember the peace that it brought.  I will keep this peace of mind throughout the rest of the holiday and not forget that it is about Christ and the love that he brought us two thousand years ago.  

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Luke 2:14

Giving Thanks for Thanksgiving

It has been an exhausting and emotional past two weeks, but scattered with bits of joy here and there.  Now, I am settled down at home (that is, my true home, not my dorm home) and I am at peace for the first time in a long time.  It's quiet here and all the familiar sounds make my heart at ease.  All the stress and fears of yesterday are diminished as I hear my parents voices coming from the kitchen.  I am happy when I realize that so many of my friends who have been going through so much more than I have are also feeling this peace.  They are on their way home now as they read their books on the train or plane and there are those who have found themselves in the cars of newfound friends.  

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is an answer to prayer for so many of us.  We started the year off strong, but it progressively got more difficult.  As soon as mid-terms hit, we all lost touch with reality and were suddenly caught in a whirlwind of homework and events and our only moments of peace were found in the few hours we slept.  As we prayed together and cried together, the only thing we could think of was that Thanksgiving was on its way.  And now, it's finally here and we are finally home.  I don't live far away, only three miles, but there are times it feels like there is an ocean between us.  Times when I realize that I can't cry in my mother's arms and need to face it on my own, but this is the way that we grow.  

It's been a big year for me full of tears and troubles, but my blessings outnumber those trials a million to one.  I have a family who loves one another and enjoys to spend time together every Sunday.  I graduated high school with honors and achievement.  I have a group of friends who will support me in anything I take on.  I have gone to a wonderful college for two months and have already grown so much.  I have Christ by my side every step of the way.  When I look at all of these blessings, why do I have reason to cry?  

It is so easy to get caught up in our troubles and forget what Christ has done for us.  He has given us hope in hopeless times and it is selfish not to accept that hope.  We are intended to carry out Christ's love and hope, not dwell on the things that make us unhappy.  As I sit here listening to my music in my warm bed, I can't believe I was ever so unsatisfied.  Tomorrow I will be among the ones I love and that is enough for me.  That's what Thanksgiving is about to me: It's about being with the ones you love.  That's what the entire holiday season should be about, not stressful shopping and gifts, but Christ's love and the ones that we care about.  

So, thanks for Thanksgiving, it's already been a wonderful time to catch my breath before I head in for the push to the finish.

It's a Ben and Jerry's Kind of Day

The past few weeks have been hectic as I suddenly realize I am done with my sixth week of college.  I wonder where those weeks went and what I have done with all that time.  It didn't disappear into thin air, but here everything seems to fly by and it is hard for me to even remember what I did yesterday, much less two weeks ago.  This week was a week to top it all: the election, mid terms and a steady downpour.  These things all put together in one week resulted in a Thursday afternoon sitting in a chair curled up in a blanket with a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one hand and a spoon in the other while watching old FRIENDS episodes.  All of these things were intended to make my mood a better one.  

Did my mood get better?  No, of course not, no one actually feels great when the ice cream runs out and you must go back to the real world, but I did and as the evening unfolded, it slowly got better.  It got better through little things: Balsamic vinegar back at the salad bar, warm embraces, a disney movie, and scripture shared with friends.  It's odd how these are the things that made it better, but I am often surprised to see what makes me feel better.  When I came to college, some of the special things that made me happy have now become regular habits and it was time to find new things.  Let me share how the tiny and some seemingly insignificant things have contributed so much to this dreadful Thursday and my past weeks at college.

First is the balsamic vinegar, the one deliciously healthy alternative to actual salad dressing.  When I try to eat healthily in the cafeteria, it often results in a scrumptious piece of greasy pizza and a plate of lettuce with caesar dressing and goldfish crackers.  The one thing that was healthy was the lettuce, but it's health factor has been scratched out by the dressing, so I discovered the olive oil and balsamic vinegar.  Four weeks later, it disappeared and I was back to my unhealthy salad habits, which resulted in me feeling unhealthy no matter what I ate.  Then tonight, on one of the hardest nights so far, the healthy alternative was back and I was overjoyed.

Then there are the hugs.  Hugs from old friends and new friends alike.  Some in passing, others as greetings or farewells.  Sometimes simply a shoulder to lean on when I'm feeling especially alone.  Such a simple action with such a significant meaning.  Hugs are very important to me and fill me up inside.

Of course, where would I be without the Disney movies, an age-old medicine for when you're feeling low.  Tonight, it was "Monster's Inc." and every time you heard that little girl talk, my heart leapt a little bit with joy.  To be in a college dorm room, I assume that no one would find it cool to like Disney movies as much as me, but it's really brought us together on many occasions.  An escape from the broken world we exist in to the happy endings that occur in all Disney movies.

Fourth, scripture has never felt so important to me as it did tonight.  We were studying Hebrews 1-3, but my flighty eyes wondered across the page to chapter 4, verse 7:

"Today, if you hear his voice

   do not harden your hearts."

This one tiny sentence brought me hope to last forever.  Today, if I hear his voice, I will not harden my heart.  That was my trouble, I was not listening for His voice and my heart was hardened, saddened and simply ready for the week to be done.  It is so easy to forget in the fluster of our days that Christ is always there, always with us, even if we don't realize it.  Reading this verse was a much appreciated slap in the face for me and I am so thankful for being able to share these thoughts with my friends every Thursday night.

In the end, all it took to heal my painfully long week was reading a sentence in a book.  I didn't truly need the balsamic vinegar or "Monster's Inc."  All I needed was eleven words giving me hope for a healed today and a better tomorrow.  Essentially, that's what we all need isn't it?  Hope.  Just one tiny glimmer of encouragement that we can make it.  Thank you, Lord, for being with us in our darkest of times.