Travel Diaries #2: On Home and Service

I hopped off the train in Basel and saw a red pea coat attached to a beaming smile come towards me. Jillian takes my bag as I say, "The ride was beautiful, now where the heck is the bathroom?" This is the beginning of journey #2: visiting and staying with Jillian in her tiny village of Holzen, Germany.

It is always fun to see my friends in their homes with their families. In highschool, I saw this all the time, but I hardly ever get to see this anymore. As soon as Jill and I walked out of the station, Jill's dad (who I've never met before) threw his arms all the way around me and my monstrous backpack and welcomes me to his home. This was very different from when I first met Jill, which was in the awkward setting of our first floor meeting and then again in the quiet of a classroom. Now, fifteen months later, I am staying with her family in Germany for two days. How things change...

The next day, I was able to go into Kandern, which is the city that houses Jill's high school. It's not a German high school, though, it's a missionary school. Kids who go to this school are here because their parents are serving a group of people who are elsewhere. Jill's dad is the principal of the school which means he is the one who makes it possible for all these kids to have a place to consider "home." At least for a little while.

I think being a missionary kid would be incredibly difficult. To follow your parents from place to place without much say and never settle down would be so hard for me. Yet these kids do it and then they settle at Black Forest Academy until it is time to move on. I am impressed by these students and also by their teachers. The teachers are wanderers, too, but that doesn't stop them from serving their students.

I asked Jill if it was hard for her to move to Germany from Arizona. She said it wasn't, it was just the next place. Talking to her about that made me wonder what my life would look like now if we had moved to England when I was eleven. All the things that happened to me which seemed significant started to happen in Jr. High. These never would have happened if we had moved. I guess that's the beauty of it; the point was to stay and I don't need to know what would have happened if we had left. It's always part of a greater plan, stay or go.

Travel Diaries #1: Of First Impressions and History

I am now sitting on a train that is going west along the southern countryside of Germany. There are tiny villages scattered across the hills, each clearly visible because the steeples of their churches stand higher than any of the surroundings. I have just spent two days with a German family that reminds me very much of my own. He is the director of a Bible school and she is his ever supportive wife who puts a smile on the face of every student when she walks in the room. Their kids are my age, love music and sports, and are friends with each other. The only difference between this family and my own? One less daughter. Oh yes, they also live in a city on the Bodensee called Friedrichshaffen.

I love the culture of Germany. Everywhere I have turned, the people are so kind. Meals go on forever and conversations even longer. These conversations range from family to Christ to past and to present. Before I left, Gaby and I walked along the shore of the Bodensee. She told me that the city is so different now from what it used to be. When she told me that, I began to view it all with a different eye. Just seventy years ago, the very shores that I walked were torn by war. The walls I see have been destroyed and mended. The hearts of the people here have faced much more than the people at home.

Now, as I sit on the train, my curiosity aches for stories. That old woman sitting across from me...was her husband in the war? That city right on the Rhein...was it always so picturesque, or did boats once bombard its colorful walls? It's amazing how fast it all can change.

Gaby told me that as wealth has become more prominent in Germany, she is losing the Germany she loves. The traditions and culture of her old Germany are disappearing as modernity approaches. It seems from here statement that wealth is not always the solution. It is not in wealth that we band together. We don't grow stronger by living in a perfect, rich world. It is in our weaknesses that we learn to truly live.

Over the Past Year, I Give Thanks

What a year it has been, since Thanksgiving last year. I could type for days, the list of things I am thankful for, but I will spare you. There are some things in particular that very clearly stand out to me. Above all, I thank God for tearing me away from the life that I had planned for myself. The life I had planned was one of emptiness and selfishness. The one that now lies before me is very uncertain, but certainly full of joy. I thank God for proving me wrong and pushing me into something new.

I am thankful for new opportunities. As I stepped away from my plans of acting on the stage, I walked right into a band. Ben, Ben, Nate, Kevin, Alex and Noah. I am so happy when I am with these ridiculous boys, the "misfits", as Ben called us the other day. We hang out once a week and make music together and they are dear friends. It's also a chance to ensure that I see my dear brother once a week.

I am thankful for being let down. When I didn't become an SMC (again, my own plan), it was very hard for me. But through that let-down, I joined group staff. Though group was not the perfect situation right off the bat, it has turned into one of the biggest blessings in my life. Scott, Scotty, Brian, Braden, Gabe, Bob, Mary, Aly, Kael, Cristina and Leanne. Oh my word, how I adore them. Their quirks, their hearts, their minds, their prayers, their hugs, their encouragement and their love. They're great and I now treasure those fifteen hours a week that I spend with them.

I am thankful for Fourth Hill. The summer before I went to SPU, it was just a room number. A year later, it was a place that shaped me into an entirely different person. It was a place that helped me to grow, to live differently and to love in a way I had never known. Em, Jill, Rachael, Lauren, Lara, Mary, Heather, Jamie, Becky, Bryn, Alyssa, Becky Jo, Sarah, Kristin, Beckah, Grace, Teylar, Alina, Caitlyn, Katherine, Leanne, Anna, Candice, Mary, Missy, Aly, Liz, Jessica, Rachel, Valerie, Emily, Ali, Krista, Jenna, Megan, Emma, Anna, Natalie, Nicole, Hannah, Dani and Jessica. Those girls, each and every one of them, have been a part of my life and I am so grateful to them. I am grateful to Teylar, for keeping us all together and I am grateful to that silly triple from Ashton-Jessica, Rachel and Valerie-for teaching me how to live.

I am thankful for the Ballard crew. Dan, Adrienne, Irene, Spencer, Erin and Daniel. No matter how many times I am too busy to hang out, I am always invited. They keep pushing and pulling and they'll never let me go and it makes me so glad. They, not too long ago, were a huge part of my life and I would hate for that to disappear entirely. I thank them for not being bitter when I could no longer be involved in the play that we were planning. I thank them for still loving me, even when I do things that should let them down.

I am thankful for those who aren't afraid to tell it like it is. Professor Wolfe: She taught me what love truly is and I realized that I wasn't truly loving. My closest friends: They keep me in check and they don't let me get away with things that are no good. Dr. Ediger: Though her class is ridiculously tough right now, the whole class has taught me to look at the world through much different eyes. My dad (also, my pastor): For teaching me that we live in a dark world and that we are the ones who are able to bring the light. Bob (group 08-09): It taught me to let go. To leave what I know and step into something new. Not only did it teach me that, it also gave me the strength and courage to do so.

I am thankful for those relationships that are hanging by a thread: They're still being held by that thread and, so long as the thread doesn't break, they will be easily mended in the days to come. For those that have broken, I will still search for the supplies and the strength to mend them. But I know I will be able to, I always am.

I am thankful for Kristi and Noah. My best friends in the world, I could ask for nothing more. I am thankful for the times I get to spend with them and the lives that we share with one another. They are the ones who keep me going and I love them so much.

I am thankful for my parents. The fact that I get to see them so often, even though I'm "away" at school. I thank them for the opportunities they bring into my life and the support they show, even though I have no idea what I'm doing.

I am thankful for the peaceful moments betwixt the madness. The moments when the sun hits the window just right. When the leaves fall like snow. When the sound of a piano is faintly heard above the murmur of friends. When the rain falls so fast that the world can barely handle it. When Anna and I lie in bed and all is said that needs to be said, even when no words are spoken. When the snow makes the world go slower.

I am thankful for the joyful moments in midst of sadness. When my arm is grabbed and I am dragged in the rain to go puddle jumping. When I laugh so hard I cry. When I can drop the books and go play hopscotch. When we get into our footie pajamas. When we can forget the world and school for just a second and pretend we are kids again.

It's a good life, a good year and for that, I give thanks. There is much to be thankful for and that is reason enough to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Oh Mother...

It's November in Seattle, and that means that my lips are chapped ALL THE TIME. This seemingly insignificant fact about my lips and the cold weather reminded me today of the love of my mother. I walked into her office after work, she took one look at me and she smothered my face in chapstick. Oh, mother, how I love you. This is something you do to your eight your old daughter, but you did it to me and I appreciated it so much. It reminded me of the fact that, even though I'm in college and feel old, I'm not. Not really. I'm still your daughter and definitely not ready to face the world alone. Thanks for the reminder Mom, I can't wait to be home.

Retreat!

There are twelve of us on group staff and we are one big happy family. Bob, Mary, Gabe, Aly, Brian, Braden, Scott, Scotty, Kael, Cristina, Leanne and myself. Each of us was chosen with our own talent, whether musical or artistic or having a great theological mind, and we each bring those gifts to the table to create a service on Wednesday nights. About fifteen hours a week go into one group service and at the time it is so exhausting. But every Wednesday night, after all the speakers, mic stands and backdrops are put away, we gather and are thankful for the service that happened. We are grateful for the positive responses that we receive from our peers who take time out of their busy lives to worship with us for an hour each Wednesday nights. It's been almost a quarter and group has finally become something regular in my schedule and it's no longer a huge time commitment. I mean, it is, but it's not. Not really. Yes, it's still fifteen hours a week, but it doesn't feel like it anymore. Now, I am so full of joy to be with that staff and they are such a huge part of my life.


There wasn't group last week, so we didn't get to see each other and there was a huge hole in my life. I was worried that I would really like the idea of having free time and that I would once again question my role on group staff. But the free time wasn't all I dreamed it would be. Yes, it was a little nice, but I really didn't like it. Watching Friends with my friends is nice, but it's not how I want to spend all of my Mondays and Tuesdays. When we finally all got together on Wednesday night to have dinner together, it was like we had been apart for a year. We sat in Kael's living room for hours and watched the wind whip the rain so that it fell horizontally instead of vertically. We ate soup and drank tea and shared about our weeks. We are able to talk to each other so meaningfully and intentionally and there is no shame. We aren't afraid to talk to each other about how we're really feeling and that is not a vibe I have felt in past groups I have worked with.


This last weekend, we went on retreat...if you can even call it that. We've decided it was more like a giant sleepover. We left SPU at 7 PM on Friday night and I was back in my room by 3 o clock the next day. But in those twenty hours, so much life was shared. So much laughter. Deep fried food. Birthday cake. Music. Games. French toast. Stars. Campfire smoke. JOY. I haven't felt as happy as I did on Friday night in such a long time. When I returned on Saturday, my heart was full of life like it was last fall. This is the point of a retreat, but I've never felt like this after one. Retreats are supposed to be an escape, a chance to get away from the troubles of the norm. That's exactly what this retreat was: Twenty beautiful hours to be with the ones I love and not be bogged down with papers and projects and a general feeling of weariness.


We are all tired right now and it shows. We're all much quieter than usual and fun-n-games are much less frequent than they once were. I'm not just speaking of group staff, I'm talking about all of us. The students of SPU are weary. Our souls are tired, our sinuses are stuffed up and our hearts are aching to be home. Even I am homesick. Home is so close, but right now, it has never felt further away. I can't imagine how any of my friends are coping right now, especially those who really can't go home, even if they wanted to. It's only three more days, I say, but they're long days. Full of class, study groups, work and practices. I'm excited to think of how I will feel once these three days pass and I can be in the warmth (well, in reality the dorms are warmer, but I'm talking about the heart) of my home surrounded by my family. Like I said, home has never felt so far, but I'm sure that it will never feel so good to go home as it will this week.


I think that our sleepover is what has given me enough strength to last three days and I am glad. It was a wonderful time and now I will be able to finish this race without running out of breath. By the power of God, the encouragement of friends and Sufjan Stevens' banjo, I will make it through these days.

On Cocoa and Windstorms

This week has been relaxing, yet so busy all at the same time. The days seem to drag by and it is increasingly difficult for me to roll out of bed in the mornings. But there are things each day that keep me going. Like the peace of knowing that when I get into bed at night, Anna will be in her bunk above me and we can talk about our days. Or the fact that I can make a cup of hot chocolate and stare out the window as the wind blows away the final spots of orange and red off the trees. I am able to sit on our uncomfortable couch and feel the cocoa slither down my throat and not be swept away by the blustery day. These moments with cocoa and windstorms mirror my feelings about school right now.

Things have piled up and I've got more to do in the next two weeks than I have all quarter. But four of those days will be spent at home with relaxation and the company of good friends. I got a terrible grade on a biology exam, but I also got an A on an essay in Christian Scriptures. Things are never all bad and I am grateful for that. God has a way of mixing the cocoa with the windstorms and letting me remain in peace. Even when things feel like they're all going terribly, there are constantly reassurances that they're not. At work yesterday, there were moments when I just wanted to be in bed, but by the end of my shift, we were eating brie cheese on a giant flat of focaccia bread...now what could possibly be bad about that?

There is also no group service tonight, so I have mysteriously had fifteen extra hours of free time and I've been able to spend time with friends. They are wonderful friends who are sometimes frustrated with the fact that I am gone so often, but they are still encouraging and bear with me when I drive them crazy. It has been a joy the past three days to be able to sit in our room and laugh and do homework and simply be together. No, it's not much, but it's so beautiful to be in their company and I have learned this week not to take it for granted.

This post was nothing big, but I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks to God for bringing good with the bad and not leaving me in the dark. Thanks to the winter weather for keeping me cozied up inside. And thanks to my friends for loving me, even when life gets us all down.

An Attempt at Poetry (Take One)

I am distracted right now

with thoughts and dreams

of peaceful days.

I beg for a moment

to sit and to rest

on the shoulder of a friend.

I want worries behind me

and joy right in front of me

but it doesn't work that way.

I must swim through the bad

to wade through the good

and rest in a pool of peace.

I know the time will come

when I will look back

and smile, but right now

I stare out the window

and I count down the days

until Thanksgiving arrives.

I beg for the days

surrounded by family

and laughter and love.

I want those four days

without papers or books

full of leftover turkey.

I can almost taste it now

and soon it will be here,

but for now I will work.

I will re-write twelve pages

read a chapter or two

and go to bed late.

I am in college

and this is what we do.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

It will be just fine.