It Began Before It Was Over

I woke up on Sunday morning disoriented.  I wasn't in my room at home surrounded by all the usual comforts I have come to know so well.  Instead, I was surrounded by partially unpacked boxes, cluttered surfaces and those heavenly XL twin jersey sheets.  How did I get here? How did summer end so fast and is school really starting in 8 days?  At times this summer, it felt as though it would never end, that I would never see my friends ever again and that the much anticipated 09-10 school year would never come, but now that it's here, I feel overwhelmed.  Round two is a whole different feeling than round one.  Last year, my boxes were packed a week before I needed to move.  I was ready to go to school and move onto something new.  This year, though, after a hastened trip to Disneyland, I packed in one day and moved the next.  I haven't had a moment to stop and realize that it's all starting over again, even though it feels like last year just ended.  

Saturday night, a group of old friends sat in my room as I unpacked and we talked for hours.  These were friends who a year ago, I didn't know existed and now they were sitting in my room having theological discussions.  It was a sign of growth.  Growth in my own life, but growth in all our lives as a whole.  Sophomore year will be something entirely new for all of us in different ways.  For me, it's a new major, a new roommate, a new appreciation and dedication to music.  For others, it's a new floor, a new position or a new school.  The point is, we're all in the same boat: Freshmen, sophomores, students, faculty...it doesn't matter.  We're all facing a new year, a new set of challenges and a new dynamic across the campus.  Do I fear this?  Yes, I'm terrified, but I am so excited to see where this year will take me and those around me.

I spent the weekend at a leadership conference with all the student leaders for this year.  I didn't realize that being on a worship team considered me to be an official "student leader" with roles and responsibility to the campus.  When I figured this out, my heart leapt a little, realizing that God has called me to something significantly bigger than I had assumed.  And when approached with the question "Why am I here?" I had to think about it for a long time.  I am on group staff because I wanted to be an SMC and didn't get it, so I had to choose the next best thing.  I thought to myself "what a dumb reason" but then found out it wasn't just me.  And then I realized that group isn't "the next best thing," it's a perfect fit.  

I am on group staff to lead worship and to grow.  To grow in my relationship with Christ and to deepen the relationships with the people around me.  Part of me is very sad that I won't be close to every single girl on my floor this year, but that is the reality of the matter and I'm starting to grasp it.  The girls will still know me and I will still know them, but it just won't be the same creation of deep relationships as last year was.  And that's okay, every sophomore faces a situation like this every year and when the freshman become sophomores, they will understand.  

None of us know what the world will look like by the end of this year.  Perhaps it will be drastically different or perhaps the only thing that will change is the kind of espresso we drink in the morning.  That's what's exciting to me.  None of us know and that's the beauty of it...the world is wide open to us! We can go anywhere and do anything and only time will tell where we'll end up.  

Now I sit here on my couch staring out the window at the beautiful view of the trees that are already changing colors.  I hear not the whir of the coffee grinder, but that of plant services making sure the lawns are freshly manicured for Freshman Orientation.  A week from now, I'll be at work after a full Monday of classes and will steam another pitcher of milk wondering what awaits me this year.  I know it will be full of stress, lack of sleep and frustration.  I also know that it will be full of love, music, friendship and beauty.  And those surpass all else.

  

90 Years of Love and Life

My Grandma Nadine turns 90 tomorrow. To even comprehend living for another 71 years is too much to handle for me. How many experiences, how many people, how many days fill those years. We threw her a party to celebrate her 90th Birthday and 80 people showed up. Old friends, new friends, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, nurses, co-workers. All of these people were people that she had impacted at some point or another in her life and they all made their way out to Fresno, CA on their labor day weekend just to celebrate her. When my dad asked me if I wanted to say something, I wasn't sure I did. How could I put all that I felt about Grandma and all the stories into one thirty second speech? She's meant a lot to me, that Grandma Nadine. So what story was I to tell? I couldn't pick one, all that I felt I could share was about love. The love that she had for everyone in her life from the beginning until now.

I remember that she was always looking out for me and my siblings growing up, making sure that we were good and spoiled, like every grandma does. There were always chocolate bunnies sent at Easter and chocolate Santas sent at Christmas. There was always a white dish on her coffee table filled with peanut m&ms. She sent money for school clothes and birthday gifts. She always brought a suitcase full of cinnamon bread when she flew to Seattle and we would eat grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner and toast for breakfast. This was her language of love. But as she has grown much older, that love language hasn't stayed entirely the same. Now, it is her turn to receive love. All her life, she has been caring for each person around her, whether by giving them a meal or a ride to church, she has constantly put others before herself.

She has faced hardship after hardship, yet she never let it bring her down. I went through old photo albums and saw love and joy in each one of those photographs. She was living a life full of fun and friends, just like I am having right now, but she had no idea the years that would follow. The loss of a child, a sister, her parents, her husband, another child and another sister. How, in the face of so much loss, can a woman remain so strong? Her love of Christ remained strong, even when His love seemed gone. It is amazing to me that, after all she faced, she still managed to touch so many lives and love so much. It is so easy to harden your heart when life turns in a downward direction, but she moved forward and she continued strong. That is a lesson to be learned from Grandma Nadine. And I will take advice from a 90 year old, they have seen more than I could ever imagine.

It was beautiful to see how appreciative everyone was of her. My siblings and I went through all of her cards with her and read them aloud to her. She knew each and every one of those people so well and when they said "Thanks for all the fun memories" she would start listing off those memories. These are real relationships and it makes me wonder who I will still be friends with when I reach an older age. Are we putting the time and effort into our relationships to make them last? I sure hope so, but if we're not, we should start. If we want to know the love and faith and joy that Grandma Nadine knows, we need to stop taking for granted all that we have. We need to learn to live in a deep love that is only found through Christ.

I Do

At SPU we have this little motto.  It goes like this:

RING BY SPRING.

It's pretty self-explanatory.  The couples who are 20 get engaged and get married.  I personally find it to be a horrible and unnatural thing, but that's just me.  There was an exception on Monday, the 17th of August, though.

Ben Rowe and Hannah Balenda decided to tie the knot.  Age 19 and 20 and they decided to get married.  Their engagement and wedding was one of the most beautiful ones I had ever seen, though, and it took me a long time to figure out why.  Why were they so special? Why wasn't this wedding so frighteningly young and fast like all the other SPU engagements?  

They simply aren't average people.  They're artsy, counter cultural kids and they are best friends.  I got to know the two of them much better over the course of their engagement and I realized that their love was based on a very deep friendship.  They had dated since high school and half of that was long distance.  If high schoolers can make a long distance relationship last, they must be doing something right.  Listening to Ben tell me about why he loves Hannah, I realized how perfect they are for each other and how this marriage is so right and not frightening.  And listening to Hannah's side of the story was beautiful as well.  She met him during the one year she moved away from Seattle to Texas and they kept their relationship strong when she moved back out here.  God works in mysterious ways, even down in Texas, I suppose.  They are such a beautiful couple and their wedding was a beautiful affair.    

Ben and Hannah and a very small number of their closest friends and family paraded down to a public beach north of Seattle.  Their were blankets and driftwood laid out as our seating for the ceremony and we all sat as Ben and Hannah proceeded with a short, traditional ceremony.  The sun was setting behind them and it cast a beautiful glow upon their faces that were already lit up by their happiness.  There was not a wedding party or a flower girl or a choir.  All they needed were their friends and family watching as they took a step into a huge new part of their lives.  The parents gave their blessing, they exchanged their vows and rings and then they became Ben and Hannah Rowe.  It was simple and it was all about them and their love for one another.  

At the reception, we played a song that Ben wrote specifically for his wedding.  There was art displayed on the walls that their friends had made.  The carrot cake was made by Ben's brother. There was a movie that Ben and Hannah made describing the story behind their wedding invitation.  And everyone was sitting at tables, eating ice-cream and hanging out.  When I sat down next to Ben and asked if he was happy, his response was "I feel so at peace right now. I feel great." And when I asked Hannah the same question, she simply said, "This is exactly what we wanted it to be. I'm really happy"  

So, as they enter this new stage in their lives, they now know that we are all with them each step of the way.  Their love for each other will continue to grow and their relationships with their friends and family will deepen.  That's what a wedding should be about.  Not DJs, dance halls or a three course dinner, but about the relationships that are growing and being nurtured by love.  

Of Beatles and Downpours and Dancing Shoes

The summer is proving difficult to find things to write about, but here be a post from long ago.  Enjoy!

Fourth Hill.  That's where I found out I was living last July and I didn't know what to think.  Hooray for Hill Hall, who cares what floor it was?  Little did I know that the floor is what would bring me so much joy in my freshman year of college.  Forty three girls live on my floor in twenty one rooms.  They're all arranged in unique ways, each filled with different things and different styles to fit different personalities.  At times, it feels like we couldn't be any more unique.  We have all grown up in different towns and attended different schools and we all ended up here, and I am so glad we did.  There have been so many times in the last week that I was so grateful to be on Fourth Hill and I want to share them with you.

Last week, I invited the whole floor over to my house.  I also invited the brother floor.  There were fifty of us crammed into our tiny Seattle home and we all sat there, eating and talking.  We could've sat there for hours if we hadn't felt so squished, but we needed to get out.  We went to the park and played ultimate frisbee.  There we were by Greenlake, my brothers and sisters of Fourth Hill all tossing a frisbee around with my dad and I was so proud to be his daughter.  To them, he is a pastor and a sometimes distant figure.  But here they were, hanging out with him and seeing him in his truest form.  That of a father, a mentor and simply a great man.  Soon after we started, the rain began to pour down, but we didn't care.  They had been in Seattle long enough to know that rain is something you should count on and they were no longer afraid of getting wet.  

We continued the game, not caring about the wet and we were having a marvelous time.  My favorite part was that my team was being DESTROYED by the other team.  When the score was finally "a lot to two" the other team decided to trade some of their teammates, but we would have none of that:

"These are our friends."

"We like our team just the way it is."

"We don't need your pity."

"Let's just keep playing, we're having a good time."

Those were our comebacks and the game continued while the rain continued to pour down on us, mixed with patches of sunshine.  It's spring quarter and we are going to make the best of it.

A few days later, I was sitting in my room as the sunshine poured in.  A few other girls joined me and we were sitting there for I don't know how long.  We put on the Beatles and sang along and we were just lying in my bed like a big pile of puppies.  The music played as a backdrop for our conversations and encouragement for this last month of school.  This, to me, was a picture of the biggest lesson I have learned this year: To pause for just a moment in your day and enjoy the people who surround you.  Enjoy the atmosphere of the place you are in and take a moment to be thankful for it.  Not very many college students are blessed with such a community and I feel so lucky.  This occurred just a few days before a beautiful evening full of food, friends and fun.

The Hill Hall Ball was a night I will never forget.  Essentially, it is the prom for the dorm, but significantly less awkward and much more fun.  The girls got all dressed up in old formal dresses and asked each other to do their hair and make-up while the boys...well, who knows what boys do when they get ready for such an event.  All I know is that when Fourth Hill showed up in the Hill Hall Lounge for our potluck dinner, I was just so happy to be among them.  I cannot even express how much they all mean to me, each and every one of them.  We made vats of spaghetti with sides of waffles smothered in Nutella.  A strange potluck, yes, but it is also a very strange floor.  We gathered around the huge table and talked and laughed and then had ourselves a little photo shoot.  We only look this good once a year, so we had to make the best of it.

After the photos were taken, we all crammed into tiny cars and headed to the ball, ready to dance and eat our "free" desserts.  The DJ set up his record player and then it all began.  A big mass of Hill Hall dancing to Paper Planes and the Cha Cha Slide.  It was no high school prom, it was one billion times more amazing.  There is no where else in the world I could have danced like such a fool and not be mocked in an enormous way.  I watched as my dear friend Anna put her cheek next to Ben's during the slow songs and I fluttered around the dance floor, making sure to see everyone.  We danced the night away until it all ended with a slow dance to Frank Sinatra singing "Fly Me to the Moon" as my friend Anthony twirled me around the floor.  It was a majestic evening and made me ever so thankful to be a part of this Hill Hall world.  

What a week it has been, one I will never forget.  Thank you, Fourth Hill, for being such a huge part of these beautiful memories. 

Some Things I Will Never Forget

There have been many moments this year that will never slip from my memory.  Beautiful and sometimes ridiculous moments with wonderful friends and lessons learned.    A lovely year, full of lovely times.  Let me share them with you:

1. Going to Fred Meyer at midnight my first night at school and breaking a bunch of vases.

2. Skipping orientation to watch Stranger than Fiction with Craig and Emily. 

3. Doing (unbeknownst to me) The Thizzle Dance with Liz in front of all the residents.

4. Driving to Deception Pass instead of Camp Casey.

5. Lying under the stars in a big field with Jessica and realizing the blessing that SPU was going to be for me.

6. Getting my face cut up by the blackberry bushes and calling myself Scarface the rest of the weekend.

7. Mattress Dominoes!

8. The day I wanted to be with an old friend and Allison Pringle miraculously appeared.

9. Listening outside my window to Brian Hibbard and half of Hill Hall worshiping in the main lounge on a random Tuesday night.

10. Teylar Greer.

11. Praying on the first day of class.

12. Floor dinners.

13. The last day of Fall Quarter when I bought Thai Food and sat and watched the wind blow outside my window.

14. The snowy Sunday at Bethany.

15. A white Christmas.

16. The fuzzy hats that Noah bought all of us for Christmas.

17. New Year's in Fresno.

18. Driving in the snow...it is not an easy thing to do.

19.  Snow on the first day back after Christmas.

20. Learning how to play the ukulele.

21. Playing music with Anna.

22. 4th Hill Christmas Morning, complete with Santa and cinnamon rolls.

23. group.

24. Inauguration day!

25. Teaching tap dancing to many girls on my floor and one boy from Ashton in the Hill Hall Lobby.

26. Tetris addicts turned into Oregon Trail fun.

27. Listening to all the different people playing piano in the lounge and, by the end of the year, knowing who they all were by their own style of playing.

28. Old-Fashioned Fridays.

29. Watching the snow fall on three different Thursday mornings with Teylar.

30. Teachings from Suzanne Wolfe:

• You are valuable to God simply because you exist.
• God works through us in a fallen world, it is grace through nature.
• True ugliness is ugliness of heart...the inability to love.
• Grace is frightening because it asks us to go from the place where we're comfortable to another place...it's meant to save us, but it instead terrifies us.
• If we give something, we give everything. If we give everything, we give nothing.
• Moments of pain and sin come with a purpose and GRACE
• Love means laying down your life.

31. A terrible class that led the way to a beautiful friendship (Jillian and I became friends during UFND).

32. Dahlstroms in Disneyland!

33. Applying for (and being rejected for) SMC.

34. The realization that my faith grew exponentially when I was entirely okay with not getting that position.

35. Deciding that theatre is no longer my life and changing my major to Global Development Studies.

36. Our band, Friends & Family.  Late night practices, the Q-Cafe show and savory crepes.

37. Hill Hall Ball...so many memories.  Fly Me to the Moon, Paper Planes and All the Single Ladies.

38. Ben and Anna...how exactly did that happen?

39. Late nights of talking with Aly.

40. Tucking in Krista and Ali Morgan.

41. Smallgroup picnic.

42. Quelf bringing me to tears.

43. Fourth Hill Talent Show.

44. Holly Pocket, Hollipop, and Mamma Holly.

45. Watching Life Size with the brothers.

46. Breakfast: Tator tots with Anthony, watermelon thieves and those Monday/Wednesday/Fridays with the lovely ladies of Fourth Hill.

47. Roomies with Chris Hanson.

48. Fourth Hill...the bro flo.  How I love them all... 

49. Seeing Hello Dolly with Paul.

50. My last night in the dorms: staying up until 4 in the morning with Megan and Anna.  Remembering what a year it has been and being so thankful.

It has been quite the year and I am constantly amazed by the blessing it has been for me.  I will never forget my Freshman year at SPU and I can only hope that next year will be just as wonderful!

One Fourth Finished

In the blink of an eye, my first year at SPU was over.  The room was arranged to its original state, I had turned in my fifteenth paper for Playscript Analysis and I had one last bowl of honey nut Cheerios for dinner in Gwinn.  Time had done something strange in the last week.  On Tuesday, I went to my high school's graduation and it felt like a decade ago that I walked onto the same platform to receive my diploma.  Then, on Friday, I dusted off the shelves, turned in my key and wondered where the year went.  The same time period was so slow, yet so fast at the same time.  I learned so much in a short nine months and I am in awe of the blessings that have been poured into my life over the past year.  Here is what I have learned:

1. In the great words of While You Were Sleeping, "Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect."

I often feel like I cam to SPU for all the wrong reasons.  It was in Seattle.  I got a tuition discount.  These aren't the right reasons for choosing a school, but it turned out better than I ever could have imagined.  I moved in on September 25th and by September 28th, I was already calling it home.  I was worried about entering a closed off Christian world, but that is not what SPU is.  It is a community that encourages its students to go out into the world and share Christ's love in whatever form suits them.  In art, music, science, English, and education.  It is not a community for Christians to hide, it is a community where Christians can grow.  

2. Nothing is required in college.

College is a place to make your own decisions, whether they are good or bad.  It is one step on the road to being "in the real world."  On the first day of orientation, I slept in and watched a movie instead of going to a workshop.  No, I'll never know what they taught that day, but I don't feel like I missed out on much.  I also skipped class one day to catch up, but that made me fall even farther behind.  It works both ways, but when you enter college, each decision is your own and so is each consequence.  The point is, what you get out of college is the same amount as what you put into it.

3. "Engaging the culture and changing the world" isn't such a bad idea.

My cynicism began before I even applied to SPU.  In my mind, I vowed that if I got another brochure that said "Engage the culture, change the world," I would not apply.  Unfortunately, it is on just about every envelope, letterhead and webpage, so there's no escaping it.  Eventually, you have to say, "If you can't beat them, JOIN THEM!"  So, I did.  I changed my major from Theatre Education to Global Development Studies.  I gave up on becoming an actress, lost the urge to become a teacher and instead decided I want to work in non-profits that make a difference all over the world.  In SPU's over-used words, they change the world.

4. More often than not, God has different plans for us.

What those plans are, though, is often very hard to figure out.  This year, I often felt "called" to one thing, but then God said, "no."  When I applied to be a Student Ministry Coordinator, I was told by many that I was a "shoe-in" for the position and I secretly felt the same way.  We were wrong and I had a sick feeling in my stomach that screamed "What now?"  My bible practically opened itself to show the words of Psalm 13: "How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?..Look on me and answer, O Lord my God...But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."  I couldn't fight with words like that, so I searched for a new opportunity and, after yet another long application process, found on in the form of group staff.  I will now be spending Wednesday nights playing violin on the worship team.  It is a better fit than SMC and, like always, God was right.

5. Love is what binds us all together.

I have never seen as much love as I have in the last nine months.  And I've seen a lot of love in my life, so that's saying something.  The girls who lived on my floor this year were all so full of love for one another and for the world around them.  The relationships that have been formed are so strong and deep, even though they are so short.  The love that teachers show for their students is incredible and so unique for a college setting.  My dear friend Anna is constantly mentioning how we, as Christians, are called to love.   This is why we love: We love one another so that we may show God's love.  If nothing else, that is our purpose here on earth.  God is love and we are meant to share that love with one another.  Being at SPU, that love was made clear to me every day in the community I was living, learning and growing in.  Love is a beautiful thing and it is what brought us all so close to one another this year.

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:12

It was an excellent year and I still can't believe it's already over.  I've learned and grown so much this year, I can't imagine doing it all again.  But I will.  There's a whole summer to recuperate and then I can only hope that I'll do it all over again.  That I'll be able to learn and grow as much next year as I did this year.  As Tevye said in Fiddler on the Roof: "Then we will leave it (the future) in His hands."  And that is what I will do, I will leave my questions about the future in His hands and I will continue to live and learn and grow.

A Good Weekend

Joy.  

That is all this weekend has been, one moment after another.  I have been surrounded by love and friends and the constant realization that this year has just been one huge blessing.  The weekend began at 2:40 on Friday when the movie in chemistry ended and we were all allowed to leave the darkness of Demaray 150.  When we entered the sunshine, Anna and I grabbed a blanket, some cards and some boys and headed up to Hill Hall Beach to soak up the sun.  We just sat there for two hours, listening to music and spending time together.  I sat there until I got a call from my beautiful sister and a few minutes later she appeared with crepe batter.  

We stood in the little kitchen in the main lounge and made a feast for ourselves.  The scent of the crepes in the frying pan filled the lounge and made everyone jealous who walked by, which resulted in our offering the crepes to anyone who so desired.  This is my sister: a stunning woman who shares love (and crepes) with everyone around her, even when life is so tiring.  Our sister-sister relationship has grown into a beautiful friendship and I am so blessed to have her in my life.  We went on from the crepes to Ingraham High School to see their production of Thoroughly Modern Millie, which was a joy to watch.  It was also a joy to see her and how she has put a mark on the lives of so many teachers and students their.  I love her so very much!

Saturday was another sunny day, busy and full of fun.  It began bright and early at the SPU Leadership Kickoff.  It was three hours full of the ice-breakers and team building games that I so often mock, but it was a really great time.  I have found my place for next year playing violin and viola on the worship team for next year.  It was a decision I rallied with for quite some time before finally deciding it was the right thing to do, but I know this is the right decision.  God has lead my life into directions I never thought it would go this year and I know this is yet another place where I can learn so much.  Saturday morning was a time of reassurance that I've done the right thing and I am so excited for the family that our staff will become.

Right after that, I went on to work, relatively uneventful, but still a good time.  The flower shop is in Fremont, "an artist's community" as my grandma calls it.  Not many customers, but I love seeing the difference in them.  Some buying a card in a rush between the wedding ceremony and the wedding reception.  Others ordering flower arrangements for anniversaries.  Grandmas buying gifts to spoil their newborn grandbabies.  A father buying a bouquet for his daughter, starring in "Oliver!"  Once all the purchases had been made, the floor had been mopped, the trash had been taken out, the planters had been taken in and the register had been put in order, I locked the door and hopped on my bike to head back to campus.

Waiting at campus was an evening composed of a ridiculous tradition called "Roomies."  The idea is that you set your roommate up with a date and everyone goes out for some sort of activity.  We all gathered in the lobby and shoved each other in the direction of our date for the evening.  I was pushed into a boy with red hair who plays the bass in a rock band and is 6'7".  Good work, Anna!  We jumped in to cars and ended up in a park in Magnolia that looks out over Seattle, the city which has been home for most of my life, but to nearly everyone else here, it is a newfound home.  We played games, roasted s'mores and enjoyed the love that flows between everyone on our floor.  So, as we played four square into the sunset and watched the moonrise, I realized what a joy it has been to be a part of Fourth Hill.  We're such a mismatched hodgpodge of people and it has been so much fun watching the way we all get along.  

When we got back to school, we stood in the parking lot for a ridiculous amount of time deciding what to do next...

"It's Saturday night, we can't just stay in!"

"Pizza!"

"I don't want to spend money, I'm poor and in college."

"Wendy's!"

"Fine."

Off we went to get the fast food that defines America.  It's delicious and we came back and enjoyed it under the stars.  Five of us all laid in the grass watching for shooting stars and talking about life for two hours.  People I didn't know existed nine months ago and I am still constantly learning new things about them.  It was a beautiful time and I won't ever forget it, as I leaned against a friend's shoulder and shared about my transition to SPU and the great blessing it has been.

We all turned in around 1:30 as we realized we had to get up in a few short hours for church.  What a school, SPU.  Sunday brought sunshine and the Hill Hall Beach Bash.  The Beach is what we call the big grassy area behind Hill Hall and it has been the place I have spent many hours not studying this quarter.  Today, it has been transformed into a huge party, complete with volleyball, barbecues and a slip and slide.  It's an unusual college that can make an entire afternoon of fun out of a steep hill, some dish soap, tarps and a hose.  It was such a good time and just topped off a beautiful weekend.  

It's nearly summer and we will have fun like this without homework lurking in the back of our minds, but what was special about this weekend was that we were all together.  Hill Hall has been my home for 9 months and I won't every forget it how beautiful they were.  We are a family and I can't wait for next year, when we'll all be together again for Round 2.  I love you, Hill Hall!