On Cocoa and Windstorms

This week has been relaxing, yet so busy all at the same time. The days seem to drag by and it is increasingly difficult for me to roll out of bed in the mornings. But there are things each day that keep me going. Like the peace of knowing that when I get into bed at night, Anna will be in her bunk above me and we can talk about our days. Or the fact that I can make a cup of hot chocolate and stare out the window as the wind blows away the final spots of orange and red off the trees. I am able to sit on our uncomfortable couch and feel the cocoa slither down my throat and not be swept away by the blustery day. These moments with cocoa and windstorms mirror my feelings about school right now.

Things have piled up and I've got more to do in the next two weeks than I have all quarter. But four of those days will be spent at home with relaxation and the company of good friends. I got a terrible grade on a biology exam, but I also got an A on an essay in Christian Scriptures. Things are never all bad and I am grateful for that. God has a way of mixing the cocoa with the windstorms and letting me remain in peace. Even when things feel like they're all going terribly, there are constantly reassurances that they're not. At work yesterday, there were moments when I just wanted to be in bed, but by the end of my shift, we were eating brie cheese on a giant flat of focaccia bread...now what could possibly be bad about that?

There is also no group service tonight, so I have mysteriously had fifteen extra hours of free time and I've been able to spend time with friends. They are wonderful friends who are sometimes frustrated with the fact that I am gone so often, but they are still encouraging and bear with me when I drive them crazy. It has been a joy the past three days to be able to sit in our room and laugh and do homework and simply be together. No, it's not much, but it's so beautiful to be in their company and I have learned this week not to take it for granted.

This post was nothing big, but I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks to God for bringing good with the bad and not leaving me in the dark. Thanks to the winter weather for keeping me cozied up inside. And thanks to my friends for loving me, even when life gets us all down.

An Attempt at Poetry (Take One)

I am distracted right now

with thoughts and dreams

of peaceful days.

I beg for a moment

to sit and to rest

on the shoulder of a friend.

I want worries behind me

and joy right in front of me

but it doesn't work that way.

I must swim through the bad

to wade through the good

and rest in a pool of peace.

I know the time will come

when I will look back

and smile, but right now

I stare out the window

and I count down the days

until Thanksgiving arrives.

I beg for the days

surrounded by family

and laughter and love.

I want those four days

without papers or books

full of leftover turkey.

I can almost taste it now

and soon it will be here,

but for now I will work.

I will re-write twelve pages

read a chapter or two

and go to bed late.

I am in college

and this is what we do.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

It will be just fine.

Yes

Yes, God, You were right. You always are; I don't know why this time was such a surprise compared to the last time. And the time before that. And before that...

Tonight, everything was made clear to me. Why I didn't get SMC, why Ben asked me to be in his band, why I ended up on the stage on Wednesday nights and not in the mass of students, why I didn't get into a play, why I ended up on Fourth Hill, why I went to Costa Rica. All of these things which were strange reality checks to me in the past now make perfect sense to me. There is a purpose in every path of life and, though so often difficult to see, so many paths were made clear tonight. This year has been a whirlwind of events and meetings and classes and it has been a huge struggle to find peace in the midst of it all. I have constantly been wondering why I am where I am and even though there are moments when it all makes sense, overall, Autumn Quarter 2009 has been one big confusing mass.

Let me explain to you why it all makes sense now. Each event along the way seemed so insignificant and tonight I saw the purpose in it all. I only played on about half of the songs at group, so I was able to stand with the masses and worship for about fifteen minutes and they were an amazing fifteen minutes. In those moments, I looked on the stage and listened to the band play and then I looked around the room and I saw other people from group staff worshipping, praying over the city, taking communion and washing the feet of their roommates. It was beautiful to see the deep impact that group has on students in their lives and relationships with each other and with Christ. So, when I played on the last few songs, I looked out and saw hundreds of people worshipping and growing together. This is why I am here.

Seeing those deeply concentrated faces, some mournful, some joyful and some simply at peace, I realized something huge. This is God is working through me. God is using me to spread his love to hundreds of people each week through the simple task of playing an instrument. How selfish it was of me to not see this before. It was selfish of me to say that I wasn't "getting anything" out of group. That's not the point, how foolish to think it was. God's work in our lives is meant to challenge us, not let us grow in faith without even trying. When I didn't get SMC, I was surprised, but my reaction was that there must be something else in store. Something more fitting for where I am and where God plans to meet me. That something was group and it has shaped into something beautiful. Challenging? Yes, it is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Worth it? Yes, a million times over. Yes.

A year ago, I would have looked at my life and told you these few things about myself:

• I'm a freshman at SPU.
• I believe in God, but I haven't seen Him work many wonders in my life.
• I'm a theatre major.
• Yes, that's a violin and the other one's a viola, but I don't play them very often.
• Was SPU my first choice? Not really, but it was the cheapest option for me, so...here I am.
• I'm in college because that's what you're supposed to do.
• I live on Fourth Hill, it's alright.

Now, I look at my life and I see how drastically it has changed. I'm a sophomore and God has turned my life in a direction I never would have come up with on my own. I never had a strong urge to try out for a play, so my theatrical endeavors faded away. I'm a global development studies major with a hope to change the world. Those instruments sitting in the corner? They're brought out of hiding and played for about ten hours a week. It's true that I only came to SPU because it was cheap, but my God, I am so glad that I'm here. I'm here for so much more than I ever intended and God is using me in ways I never would have imagined. And Fourth Hill...where do I even begin with Fourth Hill?

Fourth Hill 2008-2009 was the biggest blessing in my whole life and it has shaped who I am right now. This is where I met women who challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone, to explore my passions and see where they might take me. These are the women who got me to play my instruments again, to tap dance, to think about the world as oppose to the small world that I live in, to read my Bible and meditate on it, to try out for group and the biggest lesson of all: to love. Teylar Greer, Rachel Smith, Aly Quatier, Lara Musser, Becky Jo Tuell, Anna Barton, Jessica Marshall, Alina Sayre, Jillian Leavitt, Rachael Cherryhomes, Valerie Moser. These are the women who changed me, prayed for me and supported me through a year full of change.

As my dear friend Stephanie just told me, "God puts us in places not to be touched by His love, but to touch others with His love." Last year, I was touched by His love and the call this year is to share that love with everyone around me. With the girls on my floor, the students at group, my staff, my professors, my friends, SPU, Seattle, the world. The world goes on forever and so does God's love. It is our job as Christians to be sure that His unending love will spread far and wide to all the forgotten corners of the world. That is what I have learned and that is why I am right here right now.

Personal Reflection: Holly Dahlstrom (group viola & violin)

When we sat down last Monday night to discuss John 12-15, so many different parts stood out to me. There are verses that applied to the disciples 2000 years ago and those same verses apply to our lives here, today, at Seattle Pacific. In John 13:7, Jesus tells Simon Peter, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” This constantly rings true in my own life. I never see at the time the work that God is doing in my life, but once it is finished, I understand. When Jesus was washing the feet of the disciples, they didn’t understand, but it was later made clear.

Jesus washing their feet is one of the most beautiful pictures in the Bible. Here He is, the Son of God, and he is stooping to the lowest task of washing the feet of his own disciples. Just like entering Jerusalem on a donkey, this was another act of humility. Our challenge at group is to do the same thing, to be humble and tear down the walls of pride that so often separate us from those close to us. Jesus came to the level of the disciples and he was honest with them. There is a harsh transition when He explains that He is about to leave them. The whole book of John has been building up to Jesus’ triumphal entry and that dramatic build up ends when Jesus says in 13:33 “My children, I will be with you only a little longer.”

I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to hear those words from the mouth of Jesus. But Jesus explains quite clearly that His death will result in something better. He explains the hope they are able to find in him. He is, once again, expressed as light in the darkness and the disciples are told to “put their trust in the light while they have it, so they may be sons of light.” Above all else, we are called to love. If only one thing comes out of Wednesday night, it is my hope that we will understand how important it is to love. Love is how we are able to go on each day and we are commanded specifically to love. John 15:17 “This is my command: LOVE EACH OTHER.”

--Holly Dahlstrom

Ecclesiastes, You've Done it Again

What a week it's been. Moments of laughter. Moments of tears. Joy. Heartache. Late nights. Early mornings. Saying too much. Saying nothing at all. Fear. Confidence. Stress. Peace. Where does the up and down end? I ask this to myself everyday and everyday, I hear the answer I don't want to hear: It doesn't end. And then one day, I heard a different answer: Ecclesiastes.

It's The Byrds song and it's the word of God. A Time for Everything.

There is a time for everything

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Israelites once felt the same thing I did. They also felt lost and these were the words they heard. The whole book of Ecclesiastes is very somber because the premise is that "everything is meaningless," but I find immense hope in little places.

When times are good, be happy;

but when times are bad, consider:

God has made the one

as well as the other.

-Ecclesiastes 6:14

God created the good, but He also created the bad. He made the world in a perfect balance, so that we can brace ourselves for reality, but we can also see the hope that we find in the Lord. We see hope in the fact that each day is a new day.

The sun rises and the sun sets,

and hurries back to where it rises.

-Ecclesiastes 1:5

It's a scientific fact with a poetic twist. "The sun rises and the sun sets." Fact. "Hurries back to where it rises." Poetry. To me, it's 13 words that help me get up every morning. God created day and created night and I think it's important to see the freshness in every new day. If we let the sorrows of yesterday seep into the realities of our today, how will we ever move forward?

Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?"

For it is not wise to ask such questions.

-Ecclesiastes 7:10

I must stop comparing this year to last year. This a new year and I need to get used to it and stop dwelling on the way things were. Was last year a beautiful thing? Yes, it was. It was the biggest year of my life, but this year can be just as big. I must move on with an attitude that says, "I will live and I will love." Above all things, I must love. Christ has shown me so much love and it is my job to spread that love. To live each day with love in my heart for the people who surround me every moment of every day.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

-Ecclesiastes 3:11-12

Late at Night

Late last night (or this morning, you could say) I was working on my homework for UFDN 2000: Christian Scriptures.  It was long and tedious and then I got to number 5: Write a lament.  Writing is what I can do well, here is my lament:

My God, my God, where are you?

Why have you left me?

I search for you,

Yet I cannot find you.

 

I cry out to you by day

And I cry out to you at night,

Yet I never hear an answer

And I am lost.

 

You have called me toward You,

And then you run away.

I try to catch up to You,

But you are faster than I can run.

 

You disappear into the distance

And I wonder.

Will I ever see your face again?

Will I ever be in your embrace?

 

Lord, come back.

I will listen this time.

I will walk in Your path.

I will follow you step by step.

 

I will live my life for You.

I will leave the life I know

And enter the life

That you have planned for me.

 

God, you have returned in the past

Please return again.

I have fallen before

But you always catch me.

 

You know the stars by name.

You make the day.

You make the night.

The world is in Your hands.

 

Father, You are beautiful.

You are a light in a dark place

And you hold us in Your arms.

The future is in Your hands

 

And You will save us.

A New Life

This year was supposed to be perfect. It is not. Student leadership was supposed to be the answer. It is not. Fourth Hill was supposed to be the answer. It is not. What is it, then? This year is shaping up to be so much harder than I pictured it being, desperately searching for the good in the bad and having difficulty finding it. As I walk to class dodging puddles and running to catch the light, I never stop and look around. When I never stop and look around, how am I ever going to find out the answer to life's great unanswered question: Why am I here?

I am now in the middle of week four of a quarter that has lasted a lifetime. Classes are harder, relationships are struggling to spring up and grow, and time is running away from me. At group last week, the world fell on me like a pile of sloppy wet leaves: my mind covered with confusion that I can't seem to shake off. Where, in the midst of the madness, do I stop searching for the answer and wait for the answer to come to me? Last Wednesday, I stood in front of 600 people and led them in a song with these lyrics:

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned,

in awe of the one who gave it all.

So I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered,

all I am is Yours.

These were some of the words that turned my life in a different direction, away from everything that is comfortable and into a world unknown.  A change of major, a change of passion and a change of heart. Now that I find myself in this new world, it's not as great as I hoped it would be. On Wednesday night, I didn't want to lead my peers into the same direction I had been led. But why? Why wouldn't I want to lead them into a world that is new and a world that is...better? 

Over the past week, I have found the good in the bad. I found the beauty in the leaves that are every different shade they could possibly be. I found the importance of being alone. Of being with God. Of placing all my worries, my fears and my anxieties in the hands of God. For He, after all, knows where I'm heading, all it takes is for me to be willing to follow. I must give all I am to God and He will shape me in the way He intends. 

After this grand realization, my life became 500 times better and I couldn't stop smiling last night at group. 

I once was lost, but now am found.

Was blind, but now I see.

Never had those words held so much meaning. I was lost, but now I am found. I suppose that sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize how lost we truly are. And once you're at the bottom, it's easy to be lifted up out of your total weakness. So, through the prayers of many friends and the reading of much scripture, I am now flying high above the worries that were consuming me. And life goes on...

I have beautiful relationships with the men and women of Fourth Hill surrounding me. Group staff is a group of 13 people, each of whom is so different from the next, but is also such a joy to be around. And as for me personally, life is new. God has given me a second chance for the fiftieth time and for that, I am grateful.

So what can I say, what can I do?

But offer this heart O God, completely to You.

I am in His arms and He will carry me out of the uncertainty into a world better than I can imagine. That world will be full of its own set of challenges, but the Lord will never let go of me, no matter how hard I try to shake Him off. Thank You, God, for loving me.