Giving Thanks for Thanksgiving

It has been an exhausting and emotional past two weeks, but scattered with bits of joy here and there.  Now, I am settled down at home (that is, my true home, not my dorm home) and I am at peace for the first time in a long time.  It's quiet here and all the familiar sounds make my heart at ease.  All the stress and fears of yesterday are diminished as I hear my parents voices coming from the kitchen.  I am happy when I realize that so many of my friends who have been going through so much more than I have are also feeling this peace.  They are on their way home now as they read their books on the train or plane and there are those who have found themselves in the cars of newfound friends.  

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is an answer to prayer for so many of us.  We started the year off strong, but it progressively got more difficult.  As soon as mid-terms hit, we all lost touch with reality and were suddenly caught in a whirlwind of homework and events and our only moments of peace were found in the few hours we slept.  As we prayed together and cried together, the only thing we could think of was that Thanksgiving was on its way.  And now, it's finally here and we are finally home.  I don't live far away, only three miles, but there are times it feels like there is an ocean between us.  Times when I realize that I can't cry in my mother's arms and need to face it on my own, but this is the way that we grow.  

It's been a big year for me full of tears and troubles, but my blessings outnumber those trials a million to one.  I have a family who loves one another and enjoys to spend time together every Sunday.  I graduated high school with honors and achievement.  I have a group of friends who will support me in anything I take on.  I have gone to a wonderful college for two months and have already grown so much.  I have Christ by my side every step of the way.  When I look at all of these blessings, why do I have reason to cry?  

It is so easy to get caught up in our troubles and forget what Christ has done for us.  He has given us hope in hopeless times and it is selfish not to accept that hope.  We are intended to carry out Christ's love and hope, not dwell on the things that make us unhappy.  As I sit here listening to my music in my warm bed, I can't believe I was ever so unsatisfied.  Tomorrow I will be among the ones I love and that is enough for me.  That's what Thanksgiving is about to me: It's about being with the ones you love.  That's what the entire holiday season should be about, not stressful shopping and gifts, but Christ's love and the ones that we care about.  

So, thanks for Thanksgiving, it's already been a wonderful time to catch my breath before I head in for the push to the finish.

It's a Ben and Jerry's Kind of Day

The past few weeks have been hectic as I suddenly realize I am done with my sixth week of college.  I wonder where those weeks went and what I have done with all that time.  It didn't disappear into thin air, but here everything seems to fly by and it is hard for me to even remember what I did yesterday, much less two weeks ago.  This week was a week to top it all: the election, mid terms and a steady downpour.  These things all put together in one week resulted in a Thursday afternoon sitting in a chair curled up in a blanket with a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one hand and a spoon in the other while watching old FRIENDS episodes.  All of these things were intended to make my mood a better one.  

Did my mood get better?  No, of course not, no one actually feels great when the ice cream runs out and you must go back to the real world, but I did and as the evening unfolded, it slowly got better.  It got better through little things: Balsamic vinegar back at the salad bar, warm embraces, a disney movie, and scripture shared with friends.  It's odd how these are the things that made it better, but I am often surprised to see what makes me feel better.  When I came to college, some of the special things that made me happy have now become regular habits and it was time to find new things.  Let me share how the tiny and some seemingly insignificant things have contributed so much to this dreadful Thursday and my past weeks at college.

First is the balsamic vinegar, the one deliciously healthy alternative to actual salad dressing.  When I try to eat healthily in the cafeteria, it often results in a scrumptious piece of greasy pizza and a plate of lettuce with caesar dressing and goldfish crackers.  The one thing that was healthy was the lettuce, but it's health factor has been scratched out by the dressing, so I discovered the olive oil and balsamic vinegar.  Four weeks later, it disappeared and I was back to my unhealthy salad habits, which resulted in me feeling unhealthy no matter what I ate.  Then tonight, on one of the hardest nights so far, the healthy alternative was back and I was overjoyed.

Then there are the hugs.  Hugs from old friends and new friends alike.  Some in passing, others as greetings or farewells.  Sometimes simply a shoulder to lean on when I'm feeling especially alone.  Such a simple action with such a significant meaning.  Hugs are very important to me and fill me up inside.

Of course, where would I be without the Disney movies, an age-old medicine for when you're feeling low.  Tonight, it was "Monster's Inc." and every time you heard that little girl talk, my heart leapt a little bit with joy.  To be in a college dorm room, I assume that no one would find it cool to like Disney movies as much as me, but it's really brought us together on many occasions.  An escape from the broken world we exist in to the happy endings that occur in all Disney movies.

Fourth, scripture has never felt so important to me as it did tonight.  We were studying Hebrews 1-3, but my flighty eyes wondered across the page to chapter 4, verse 7:

"Today, if you hear his voice

   do not harden your hearts."

This one tiny sentence brought me hope to last forever.  Today, if I hear his voice, I will not harden my heart.  That was my trouble, I was not listening for His voice and my heart was hardened, saddened and simply ready for the week to be done.  It is so easy to forget in the fluster of our days that Christ is always there, always with us, even if we don't realize it.  Reading this verse was a much appreciated slap in the face for me and I am so thankful for being able to share these thoughts with my friends every Thursday night.

In the end, all it took to heal my painfully long week was reading a sentence in a book.  I didn't truly need the balsamic vinegar or "Monster's Inc."  All I needed was eleven words giving me hope for a healed today and a better tomorrow.  Essentially, that's what we all need isn't it?  Hope.  Just one tiny glimmer of encouragement that we can make it.  Thank you, Lord, for being with us in our darkest of times.

Down By the Sea

I am sitting under a tree whose leaves are falling all around me.  The sounds of the world around me grow louder as the thoughts in my mind settle down.  I've been at school almost a month now and the entire time since I moved in has been a whirlwind of events.  There have been people to meet, lectures to listen to, boxes to unpack, meals to eat and a hundred other things rushing around like mad.  I have been so desperately searching for a moment of peace amidst the madness and I have finally found it.  

I found it by the side of a canal full of ducks and boats and crew teams, each one making a different size of wave that crashes in front of me.  Those are the things that lie in front of me.  Behind me is a path scattered with various people walking their dogs, going home or perhaps they too are searching for some quiet.  Where I find the most peace, though, is above me in the beautiful blue sky scattered with puffs of white.

The sky is perfect today and I am at peace because I know that those people who I miss are all under this very same sky.  This sky has brought no rain, but instead a lovely sun that casts shadows across the sidewalk and creates a perfect reflection in the beautifully still water.  This sky was an answer to my desperate prayers for a place to pause and be silent.  Unfortunately, I must leave this wonderful place now to finish out the day, but I'll be back.  Yes, I know I'll be back.

It's Good in the Hood

I moved into a dorm two weeks ago and already it feels as though I've been there for an eternity.  There are so many things I enjoy about this new way of living like the feeling it's a sleepover every night or walking into the rooms of people who you barely know and have conversations about nothing of consequence, but what I enjoy most is the community that has been created so quickly.  The theme of our floor is "Welcome to the Neighborhood" and the purpose of this theme is for us to realize the importance of living together in community.  Yes, Fourth Hill has been living like this, but I've noticed so many beautiful moments since I entered "The Neighborhood" and it has always put a keen smile on my face.  

I came home last night (home to my parent's house, that is) and I was downstairs, but as soon as my father touched the keys of the piano that has been with him for 29 years, I ran up the stairs to grab my viola as my sister grabbed the other.  We played together, the three of us, as we always have, but there was something on this night in particular that made it so much more meaningful to me.  It was this music that made me feel like I was really coming home, not the house, not my bedroom, not the dishes, but the music.  As we were playing, I looked out the window and watched the neighbors outside.  Some coming as others were going, greeting each other sometimes with a casual wave, other times with a friendly embrace.  One greeting stood out to me above all others and that was the return of my neighbor who is in college in California.

She left in August and her absence has been very present in our lives as she broke our group of five 66th St. girls into a group of four 66th St. girls.  A month and a half later, I broke it into a group of three 66th St. girls and it felt like I was no longer one of them.  In my prayers the night before I came home, I said a prayer for each of them, myself included, not to lose ourselves as we separate from each other.  It was no mistake that she drove up from Chico on the first weekend that I came home, it was all intended.  She came back while I was watching the neighbors through the window and I saw the neighbors run across the street to her and hugged her as soon as she stepped foot out of the car and it was so beautiful to me.  Fourteen years we've all known each other and it all seemed summed up in this single embrace.

Another moment was while I was riding the bus with some of my floor mates.  An elderly woman got on the bus and a few stops later, another elderly woman walked onto the bus.  They saw each other and instantly I saw each of their faces light up.  They knew each other by the bus and their conversation continued until we got off the bus.  I don't know their story and I'll probably never see them again, but it is so touching to see these connections.  There was also an elderly woman who used to enter a bakery (that I frequent on Saturdays) and she would collect a bag of day old bread to feed to the birds.  A small gesture on the part of the bakery, but for her, it is her life.  Now, she it is hard for her to come in, so she sends someone else to get the bread for her, but we all know it's for her to give to the birds.  Such a small thing, but so meaningful at the same time.

My feelings are embarrassingly yet perfectly captured in the lyrics of an ABBA song called Slipping Through My Fingers and here they are: 

"Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time"

 

That's exactly how I feel about each and every one of these moments.  I wish that I could always see my neighbor in the warm embrace of others, the women meeting on the bus and the lady coming to get her bread, but the picture is not frozen and never will be.  She will go back to college and we'll pick up where we left off.  The women on the bus will have to stop riding the bus eventually and the lady with the bread is already slowly leaving us.  It is hard to move on when we see these beautiful moments and it just seems that it would be so much easier to freeze time in these moments rather than force it all to go on.  That's not the point of the neighborhood, though.  The point of the neighborhood is to form a community and that means supporting each other in the times of joy and sorrow alike.  It's going to be a good year, even if it's hard at times, but that is life and life goes on in the neighborhood.  

And Then It Was Autumn

I am sitting at my desk in my new room that I will call home for the next nine months.  It is cozy here and I like it, but it's not quite the same as home.  I am writing this as I hopelessly try to avoid the sociology paper that awaits and I am daydreaming and letting my thoughts drift through the rain that falls outside my window.  Fall is finally upon us and this fall is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

The leaves started to change weeks ago, yet I have only been in school for 10 days.  I now eat waffles and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast instead of the usual bowl of Rice-Krispies.  At some points, it all feels so perfectly wonderful, but at other points I find myself crying because of all that is changing so fast.  Nobody likes change, even good changes have their own set of struggles.  Even chocolate chip pancake change.  So now, as things become more regular and the rain falls more steadily, I stare into space and wonder what lies ahead.

I wonder what I'll be thinking when the brightly colored leaves are no longer on the tree outside my window.  Will they be thoughts of peace, of excitement, of joy or of uncertainty?  I so often think "God only knows..."but I so wish he would tell me what lies ahead right now because I presently have absolutely no idea.  When people ask me my major, I clench up with fear of the unknown or the fear that what I choose will decide the rest of my life.  Yet I look at my pastor father and his education in architecture and it puts my mind somewhat at ease.  Ease that tells me I can do what I love and that I'll end up doing what I'm meant to do, all in due time.

  

I am confident that I will learn what I am meant to do because my faith in Christ has grown profoundly in the last ten days.  Through the past week, I have prayed to God more times in a day than ever before and this huge adjustment to college has caused me to grow so much deeper in my faith...and it's only been one week.  It is so amazing to be able to go to college and pray before you build a set and discuss the role that Christianity plays in the subject you are studying.  It's refreshing and it is helping me to look at the world differently.  This new feeling towards Christ is helping me so much and I am so excited to see where it will take me.

Sunrise, Sunset

My mom and I were cooking dinner tonight and listening to Fiddler on the Roof.  As she was stir-frying the chicken and I was doing my best to cut up a pineapple the song "Sunrise, Sunset" came on.  The words feel like they're about me.  About my parents.  About our lives and how they are changing.

"Wasn't it yesterday when they were small?  Sunrise, Sunset.  Swiftly go the days.  Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers, blossoming even as we gaze...Swiftly fly the years, one season following another, laden with happiness and tears."

I am moving out on Thursday and my parents will be alone for the first time in nearly 24 years.  How much it seems we've been through together, yet there is still so much ahead of us.  It feels like yesterday that I was starting first grade with a fearful smile and when people ask me if I can believe I'm starting college, I frankly tell them "I'll believe it when it happens."  Even then, it will be hard to believe that I am eighteen and starting this ridiculously big chapter of my life.  In the blink of an eye, highschool was over and in the next four years I'll blink again and I'll be graduating from college.  How does it happen so fast?  How can 18 years be just an instant?  To be honest, I never thought this day would come and there is a nervous feeling inside me telling me it's not actually happening.  

I looked through my memory box recently and found relics of the past.  Drawings for Fathers Day, paper hearts from Valentines Day, elementary school projects, report cards, Sunday school books, programs and awards.  Everything came back into mind so vividly and there were tears and laughter as I went through it all.  Finding funeral programs from too many who died too young.  Finding paintings from the first grade that look just as good as anything I've done lately.  Photographs from my first steps to receiving my diploma.  It's all there, 18 years of memories put into one big, purple, rubbermaid box. 

There have been many seasons of life for me, but they have all looked relatively the same.  I start something new, I fear the change, I find the good in it and I smile.  Repeat.  That has been my life and now I am starting something very new.  Newer than starting high school.  Newer than learning how to tap dance, than learning how to act.  Thanks to those 18 years behind me, the fear is gone.  I am starting something new for the first time with courage rather than uncertainty.  These will be good years, like the songs says, "laden with happiness and tears".

Whatever Way Our Stories End

Song lyrics have started to mean so much more to me lately.  I feel like they are expressing my feelings better than I ever could, so I am sharing them with you. 

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn.  And we are led by those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return...It well may be that we may never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: So much of me is made of what I learned from you...and now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend."

--"For Good", Wicked

I first heard this song on my last day of high school and it was shared with me by my dear stand partner and friend.  She told me that it was a story about me and her, which is true, but it is also the story of me and many others lately.  There are so many people who have been in and out of my life, yet they have all been so important in shaping it.  Without them, I wouldn't be listening to these showtunes and letting them touch my life so deeply.  It is so true to me that people come into our lives for a reason and though that reason is sometimes not seen until those friendships are over, it was still a reason.  So when I have been saying good-bye to my friends as they head off in separate directions, I realize that some of them I may never have the same relationship with them.  Even though those friendships will not be the same, I will still never forget them and they will still be so important to me.  As we head off and our paths become more clear, with a few clouds along the way, we will not forget the things we learned from each other.  No, we will take the lessons with us and we will never forget the impact we had on each other's lives.